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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know if DH is messing bedtime?

66 replies

Shahlalala · 23/12/2019 20:23

Tonight we went to my DM’s house for dinner, he was working so didn’t join. We always get back before bedtime because I have a small baby and a 5 year old.

Get home and DD is excited to see him, but he wasn’t here. I message and he has gone shopping (definitely nothing Christmas related) with his DB who is staying with us. Ever since his ‘D’B arrived he seems to think he is a guest to and can do duck all and abdicate all responsibility.

AIBU to say you let the other parent know if you’re fucking off for bedtime?

OP posts:
Andysbestadventure · 23/12/2019 20:24

It's one night, with his visiting brother, what exactly is the issue?

QueenofPain · 23/12/2019 20:25

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to want to spend a bit of time with his brother while he’s here.

Namechanger23455 · 23/12/2019 20:26

Meh for me it’s not a biggie to be honest, DH often might work late in a job where he can’t always lets me know. Same for me when I’m on maternity leave, as long as there is one parent home with the children for bed time I’m not overly fussed. I often do bedtime without my DH if he’s not in and I have no warning that he won’t be.

I

steff13 · 23/12/2019 20:28

I think it's fine, if his brother is staying for a few days. If he's staying for six months, then that's different.

Cornishmum00 · 23/12/2019 20:29

Ive never understood why both parents need to do bedtime, if you have a guest i think its understandable they he wants to spend time with them

NaviSprite · 23/12/2019 20:30

Not unreasonable for him to want to spend time with his brother but very unreasonable for using it to shirk responsibility and not to let you know in advance pretty much leaving you to do all the childcare IMO.

53rdWay · 23/12/2019 20:33

YANBU. It's not the doing bedtime solo that's the problem, it's him buggering off out without telling you and leaving you to it. That's just rude.

Bluebelltulip · 23/12/2019 20:33

Missing bedtime I don't see as an issue but not letting you know is. I can do bedtime by myself easily but DD would be asking where daddy was and actually knowing the answer would be useful. I think letting your partner know is common courtesy.

Sirzy · 23/12/2019 20:34

As a one off and when they are with a parent anyway I couldn’t get bothered about it

GloGirl · 23/12/2019 20:35

I'd be bothered about it because it's a small baby and you're both exhausted.

Look after yourself and tomorrow I hope you get to spend a bit more time together Flowers

Pfefferkuchen · 23/12/2019 20:38

AIBU to say you let the other parent know if you’re fucking off for bedtime?

Why do you need 2 parents for bedtime? Confused

Normally, yes, it is considerate to let your partner know you are not coming home at the usual time if you have a regular schedule, but you were not home anyway!

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2019 20:39

He could have told you he was going out.

Sofast · 23/12/2019 20:43

Depends how many nights a week you do bedtime on your own. Doesn't seen like a big deal to me

53rdWay · 23/12/2019 20:44

I definitely found it easier to have 2 parents around for bedtime when I had a small baby + older child for the first time. 7pm colicky screaming did not go so well with 7pm stories and tucking into bed. But either way, even when they were easy I wouldn't have headed off out at bedtime without letting DH know.

Original poster
Shahlalala · 23/12/2019 20:46

I’m fine doing bedtime (despite a shouting reflux baby) it’s the just not being here when DD expected him.

He has acted like he is a guest too, ever since his brother arrived and this was the straw that did it.

His brother lived with us on and off for years pre kids. It’s not a one off getting to see him kind of thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shahlalala · 23/12/2019 20:47

So yeah, my AIBU is he should have let me know rather than been here.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2019 20:47

YANBU. He should have told you.

Original poster
Shahlalala · 23/12/2019 20:48

@53rdWay it’s exactly that. A witching three month old and a 5 year old not getting a proper story or cuddles because of this.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 23/12/2019 20:51

Just do it to him sometimes. Pop out and don't tell him you'll be late back. See your friends more often and have time out on your own. He can do 50% of parenting if you leave him to. He might not put them to bed as smoothly as you do, but you just let him get on with it and don't critique him.

Pfefferkuchen · 23/12/2019 20:54

but the OP wasn't home....

LittleSweet · 23/12/2019 20:56

I would need to know in advance. But I'm autistic so it's really important for me to know what is going to happen at all times. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to know in advance.

mrsm43s · 23/12/2019 20:57

2 parents not needed for bedtime. Seriously.

If he was always missing bedtime - definitely a problem.

But, seriously, make bedtime a one parent thing (alternating). The other gets to have a bath/a beer/a glass of wine/a bit of quiet time to read etc.

Original poster
Shahlalala · 23/12/2019 20:59

Youngest is exclusively breastfed, I can’t at current abandon ship for the evening. I can’t even get a bloody shower some days without a screaming baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shahlalala · 23/12/2019 21:00

@Pfefferkuchen ... I was home before bedtime, so DD could see DH.

OP posts:
busybarbara · 23/12/2019 21:01

What really matters here is if you are able to take the same liberties for yourself on occasion? If you had a friend or family member over, would he be okay taking over bedtime while you had a little fun with your guest? If not then YANBU