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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to know if DH is messing bedtime?

66 replies

Shahlalala · 23/12/2019 20:23

Tonight we went to my DM’s house for dinner, he was working so didn’t join. We always get back before bedtime because I have a small baby and a 5 year old.

Get home and DD is excited to see him, but he wasn’t here. I message and he has gone shopping (definitely nothing Christmas related) with his DB who is staying with us. Ever since his ‘D’B arrived he seems to think he is a guest to and can do duck all and abdicate all responsibility.

AIBU to say you let the other parent know if you’re fucking off for bedtime?

OP posts:

Original poster

Shahlalala · 23/12/2019 21:45

@TartanMarbled no I’m not going to start a fight, we aren’t teenagers and I can be irritated without it culminating into an argument.

Also as I have

OP posts:

Original poster

Shahlalala · 23/12/2019 21:46

Also as I have already said, I do not struggle with bedtime. As you say it happens daily and it just so happens I do it most days. My issue is the lack or communication for my DDs benefit.

OP posts:

TartanMarbled · 23/12/2019 21:48

Delighted to hear you're moving on and not having a go at him - hope your family all enjoys a nice, resentment-free Christmas

TartanMarbled · 23/12/2019 21:48

And your DD will be fine, don't worry

Original poster

Shahlalala · 23/12/2019 21:50

Luckily @TartanMarbled my ire has been shifted on now.

I look forward to future parenting/relationship tips from you.

OP posts:

TartanMarbled · 23/12/2019 21:55

Any time! Happy Christmas!

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 23/12/2019 22:27

Hi OP

Going against the grain but I think if you live with someone it's common courtesy to tell them if you're not going to be in for your usual routine.

Also I could never do bedtime for a baby and an older child, the baby breastfed for 45 min or so to sleep and the older one wouldnt have waited that long, and the older one wanted a book and song that the younger one would ruin by screaming / ripping out pages in the book etc and would go mental if I put her down for 2 min. Never seemed to work out feeding the baby and reading to the older one, there would always be some drama, so for the first year we definitely needed two of us to do bedtime!

Flamingolegs · 23/12/2019 22:42

I hear you. It's not about doing the bedtime itself it is the lack of communication.

My DH went out shopping straight from work tonight, despite telling me this morning that he would be home early... I always have to get DC from school/ nursery straight from work and never have the luxury of just popping to the shops.... I do bedtime 90% of the time, just once when he could get home in time it would have been nice to have been considered. It's not being considered that irks me.

Love51 · 23/12/2019 22:51

I get the impression DH is in 'holiday mode' with his brother, and forgotten to be in 'dh' mode. In my relationship we always know where each other are, some might find this suffocating, but in another way it is liberating as you don't have to expend energy on guesswork / planning meals that aren't needed etc. It doesn't take 2 minutes to send a text.

BetweenTheMoon · 23/12/2019 22:55

Jeez some people on this thread

I think it's totally and utterly reasonable to want to know what your OH is up to. I think it's utterly shit that he thinks it's just ok to swan off with no consideration or communication.

I have a 3 year old and an EBF baby too and bedtimes alone are doable but tougher and less calm for everyone. It's not unreasonable to want support at bedtimes or at least be mentally prepared for doing it alone.

ChocolateCoins19 · 23/12/2019 23:46

Just tell him in future to let you know. You can then tell dd. Daddy is shopping or caught at work etc.

The bedtime thing is nice to have someone else there. My dd is going through a regression.. I can't physically go up and down the stairs more than twice without being unbelievably out of breath. 36 w pregnant and low iron. So atm we take in turns he'd do it all but she wants me all the time.
Dh was out the weekend. And yes of course its manageable but over 20 times getting out of bed took it out of me. Even staying upstairs but it's the leaning over her bed a zillion times to tuck her in too that kills me

Original poster

Shahlalala · 24/12/2019 04:08

Thanks folks.

He usually would message to let me know, think that’s partly why it annoyed me so much.

I think you are spot on with ‘holiday’ mode, a bit like his weekend mode.

OP posts:

Phineyj · 24/12/2019 09:13

I get this. My DH sometimes slips into 'unattached male' mode around his parents, leaving me with extra work. It drives me bonkers. I don't do it to him.

Also I am of all these people who find their DC so easy to get to bed. It is often a two person job in our household because she is so difficult. Obviously we can and do do it solo when required but neither of us would be out at that time without letting the other one know.

Teddyreddy · 24/12/2019 09:27

I am also at everyone who finds bedtime easy. DH is out before the DC are up in the morning 3 days a week, and mornings by myself are no problem. However, they are still more work than mornings with an extra pair of hands there. Despite that, I would still be unhappy if DH just disappeared on one of the 2 mornings he is normally there without telling me - it's pretty rude to dump extra work on someone without checking with them!

Bedtime, however, is a whole different story. It is definitely a 2 person job in our house. We have a baby who still cluster feeds in the evening, and screams if put down - and 3 and 4 year olds who need chivvying along and some physical help getting ready for bed.

LannieDuck · 24/12/2019 09:47

It sounds like this is a more general issue of him not pulling his weight, and infact making extra work for you (inviting DB to stay and not booking time off work).

I would have a quiet word and tell him you expect him to pick up half the chores while he's off work, because you're exhausted and he's not the only one who's earnt a rest.

BlingLoving · 24/12/2019 09:54

I never cease to be amazed at the low standards so many women have for their partners. If her dh is usually home at roughly a certain time, which includes bed time, why on earth is it ok for him to simply not turn up and not message or call to say what his new plan is? Dh called yesterday to let me know he was stopping for coffee with his dad after gym. He wasnt asking permission, he was just checking in that a) all was ok at home and it wasnt inconvenient and b) letting me know so I dont think hes mia and can tell ds that daddy wont be home for bed time.

It's not a huge ask.

Also op, if he has gone into holiday mode which includes kot worrying about all the usual family chores etc that dont miraculously stop because its christmas then that's also a reason to be irritated. Dont let all these people who think it's ok for a man to piss off whenever tell you otherwise.

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