Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To ask about second weddings?

58 replies

Susurro · 23/12/2019 15:08

I'm in a scenario where I'm in a very happy relationship (at last!) and we're both certain that marriage is on the cards. We're both late 30s, no children on either side. He has been married before and I haven't. In the interests of no drip feeding - the marriage was after a fairly long relationship but didn't last long; mutual amicable split; we met when the divorce was well underway.

The question that I have been wondering about is - what is the 'norm' for this kind of scenario where it's a second wedding for one partner but first for the other? Is there a norm?? I've never wanted a huge fancy wedding and we're both atheists so no churches involved, but I've always imagined some kind of destination wedding (not Maui )/non-meringuey white dress/family and friends/celebration party type thing; not massive but not tiny. I just don't know if that's the done thing if he's already had the 'big event' white wedding in front of family and friends.

Can you do it twice? Or if it's a second wedding, even for just one of you, should it be very low-key? Is it really inappropriate to invite everyone to your second 'white wedding' (for want of a better description) and people would find it odd, or does it not matter and nobody would give a shit? I want to marry him regardless, I know the wedding is just one day and all that, but I'd still quite like a bit of a shindig and a nice tasteful white frock that I can only wear once and I genuinely don't know how it works in this situation!

OP posts:

Original poster

Susurro · 23/12/2019 15:10

Oh I didn't mean to include a vote thing, ignore that please.

OP posts:

Janaih · 23/12/2019 15:11

If it's a first for one of the partners then treat it as a first. But even if not, do whatever you want.

Just don't tell people your plans before they are set in stone. And bear in mind you cant get married without someone getting the hump.

NailsNeedDoing · 23/12/2019 15:13

I don’t think there is a ‘way it works’, you are free to have whatever sort of wedding you want.

Presumably the only people you’d invite would be ones that just want you to be happy and would be glad to celebrate in whatever way you want, so nothing else matters really.

I think the only thing I’d want to be careful of is receiving presents from his side of the family, it doesn’t seem right to me somehow to accept two lots of wedding gifts even if the people giving get to go to two celebrations. But plenty of people ask for no gifts anyway, especially if it’s a destination wedding, so that shouldn’t make much difference.

SadieContrary · 23/12/2019 15:13

My wedding was my first but second for DH. He told me to have a big wedding if I wanted as he didn't think it fair for me not to just because he'd been married before.
150 folk later and a three day party. We had a bloody ball.
Your wedding should be what you want, not what other people think you should do.
Congrats!

HotChoc10 · 23/12/2019 15:14

Do what you want and enjoy it! Millie Macintosh, Kim Kardashian and Meghan Markle have all had big white weddings for their second/third marriages.

OceanSunFish · 23/12/2019 15:15

I've been to a few weddings when it's the first time for one partner but not the other, and they've been basically the same as if it was the first time for both. I don't think there is a norm.

Now I think about it, with all of them it was the women's first time so maybe that's why - on the assumption that the woman usually does more of the planning and organising, the fact that it's her first time kind of overrides the fact that it's not his?

Ellisandra · 23/12/2019 15:15

Doesn’t matter if it’s both of your 12th weddings. You can do whatever the hell you want!

Oysterbabe · 23/12/2019 15:18

Do what you want! My uncle has been married 4 times, each wedding more extravagant than the last

WakeyShakey · 23/12/2019 15:20

There is no 'norm' OP, you do it how you want it, whether it be a small registry office affair or an all out all singing, all dancing extravaganza.
Congratulations.

Ijustwanttoretire · 23/12/2019 15:24

My second - DH first - we got married in a register office and had a blessing in a church followed by a brilliant reception. Only close family to register office (very small) and everyone else to the church bit. I'm not even sure if many realised it was a blessing not a marriage, or cared!

GlamGiraffe · 23/12/2019 15:34

People who are at your wedding are there because they're happy for you (and if they arent, they shouldn't be there). They dont mind what you do, they want to see you having a wonderful time looking radiant and really enjoying every minute. Regardless of what has happened before for either partner the wedding is "your moment" so do with it anything you want to. Every person is different and time has moved on to allow society to accept there are no longer norms and people can choose their own unique ways to celebrate their marriage.

(DH was married before I wasn't, we had the most extravagant wedding possible because it was something we both wanted. It was something we did for ourselves.everyone had a lovely time, we had amazing one.)
If you want a certain style of wedding, I would reallycfiscusd with your fiance as I think if you settled for something far short of the mark you might always resent it. I would have really been disappointed.
Good luck, come back and update us😊

Original poster

Susurro · 23/12/2019 16:02

Wow, thank you all, I feel better about it now! Tbh I'd forgotten about MM having been married before; now imagining Harry telling the Queen that it was just going to be a low-key ceremony at the Registry Office

OP posts:

WhoTheFuckIsGail · 23/12/2019 16:06

I've been married before and DP hasn't. He has heavily hinted that a proposal may be on the cards in the future. I'm going to do it however we want to do it, I don't care that I've been married before at all.

lifeisgoodagain · 23/12/2019 16:12

There's no rules except that it's polite to state no gifts especially to anyone who would have attended the first wedding. I've been to elaborate 3rd weddings whereas personally I will opt for an intimate church wedding in the lady chapel followed by a lovely lunch in a restaurant.

Ellisandra · 23/12/2019 16:24

Polite to state no gifts? Who says?!
We actually did say no gifts - but I did at my first wedding too.
What’s the etiquette for my second husband then, if the gift given for his first marriage has broken in the last 25 years?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2019 16:30

Saying no gifts is in poor taste. Simply don't mention gifts or a registry at all. If your guests wish to give you a gift, it's because they want to. If they don't, they won't.

Tessabelle74 · 23/12/2019 16:42

My husband was married previously, massive, expensive do paid for by her parents. Our wedding was close family and friends paid for by us but he'd have had another massive do if I'd have wanted to. I don't know if there's a "done thing" but pretty sure no one thinks you shouldn't have whatever wedding you want just because one of you had a wedding before. Plan the wedding you want and have a great day

BarbedBloom · 23/12/2019 16:46

Do what you want, I have been to some big weddings and some smaller ones, which is also true for first marriages. It was my second wedding but DH's first and he wanted me in a wedding dress and to have all his family there, so we did that. It was still all done for under 2,000, but it made him happy. To be fair, I treated it like my first wedding anyway as I had no say at all over the first one.

BarbedBloom · 23/12/2019 16:48

We didn't say no gifts and people asked us what we wanted. I have never heard of not asking for gifts and have been to a few second weddings - I would always take a gift

vincettenoir · 23/12/2019 17:01

I have been to very fancy second weddings where there has been a lot of goodwill in the room. For a long time we have been living in an age where there is nothing unusual about second (and third) marriages. Unless your guests are made up of village dwelling Tory party members over 70 I don’t think there will be any expectation that the wedding should be low key.

TheArtfulScreamer1 · 23/12/2019 17:06

I got married 2 years ago for the second time DHs first we still had the wedding we wanted and I still wore a fancy frock the only difference was first time around I put a gift list with the invites second time around I made no mention of gifts and left it to the individual to decide.

silencebeforethebleeps · 23/12/2019 17:15

DH (2nd wedding) and I (1st time) had a low-key wedding, mostly because of finances. I was happy with the way the wedding went. I was however disappointed by the response of family and friends. They all seemed to think that because it was his second wedding there was no need to make any sort of fuss. We had barely any presents, some of his family members didn't bother to turn up, and some of my family didn't come because it wasn't your typical bells and whistles open bar extravaganza so not worth the bother.

Original poster

Susurro · 23/12/2019 17:53

Oh no silence I'm sorry some of your family and friends were like that. My family are great and his are too, but you can never predict how everyone will behave so if there were some of his friends who didn't want to attend that's up to them. We wouldn't be asking for any specific gifts at all, I wasn't planning on mentioning it one way or the other. I know my family will want to give gifts but if others don't that's absolutely fine. Fwiw DP doesn't care that it's his second wedding, he just wants me to be happy whether it's 5 guests or 50. I love all the happy stories from everyone so thanks again!

OP posts:

Guineapigbridge · 23/12/2019 18:01

Do what you want. Someone, somewhere might be miffed but that always happens with weddings whatever you do.

AndAnotherNameChanger · 23/12/2019 18:33

I'm not a big fan of destination weddings unless you and ALL your close family/friends i.e. anyone who it's important to you/ to them that they be there, are wealthy (or you're wealthy enough to pay flights and accommodation for those important to you to attend). I think it's unreasonable to oblige people to spend a lot of money and holiday to celebrate with you.

I think that's doubly true of a second wedding, most people forego gifts for destination weddings as they're already asking people to spend more than most would spend on a gift just to attend. Most people are saying you shouldn't ask his guests for gifts, but if you have a destination wedding just them attending is their gift in lieu. (What was his first wedding like, would guests have had to pay to travel/stay overnight or was it a very local affair?)

Go as big as you like in terms of your expense, but I'd be wary of plans which require your guests (or particularly his guests) to spend a lot just to attend (if it's avoidable - geographically scattered family/ friends may mean expense is unavoidable for the guests)

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread