To ask about second weddings?

[Susurro]

I'm in a scenario where I'm in a very happy relationship (at last!) and we're both certain that marriage is on the cards. We're both late 30s, no children on either side. He has been married before and I haven't. In the interests of no drip feeding - the marriage was after a fairly long relationship but didn't last long; mutual amicable split; we met when the divorce was well underway.

The question that I have been wondering about is - what is the 'norm' for this kind of scenario where it's a second wedding for one partner but first for the other? Is there a norm?? I've never wanted a huge fancy wedding and we're both atheists so no churches involved, but I've always imagined some kind of destination wedding (not Maui )/non-meringuey white dress/family and friends/celebration party type thing; not massive but not tiny. I just don't know if that's the done thing if he's already had the 'big event' white wedding in front of family and friends.

Can you do it twice? Or if it's a second wedding, even for just one of you, should it be very low-key? Is it really inappropriate to invite everyone to your second 'white wedding' (for want of a better description) and people would find it odd, or does it not matter and nobody would give a shit? I want to marry him regardless, I know the wedding is just one day and all that, but I'd still quite like a bit of a shindig and a nice tasteful white frock that I can only wear once and I genuinely don't know how it works in this situation!

I thought the etiquette was no gifts for a second wedding too as one of the guests have already bought one.

I personally think second weddings should be small and discreet but many don’t. I don’t think I could take vows again in front of lots of people knowing the first ones have already been broken however I wouldn’t be doing it a second time.

These days, second weddings are usually pretty much like first weddings i.e do what you like.

Lots of people aren't very keen on destination weddings, though. If they're not very close family they may not want to bother.

AndAnother I get what you mean about destination weddings but in this case the destination is actually where he's from and where we both live. I'm British, he's Canadian and we'd get married in Canada. His family and friends are already here and my family and the close UK-based friends I'd want to be there will happily travel (or so they've said!) - we can sort out accommodation for everyone. His first wedding was local to where they're both from.

Have the wedding you want. No matter if it's 1st or 5th. Those who have problems with it won't attend and you wouldn't want them there anyway.

I thought a few photos of my second wedding and my wife's first wedding might help you. We got married in 2004 and are still happy together.

You do what you like

Will be my 2nd wedding next year - first hubby sadly killed his self

My df is divorced so also his 2nd wedding

We are having a small close friends and family wedding then more friends in evening

All in one venue - my First was abroad - df was registrar office

Neither of us wanted a church tho can you marry in a church if divorced - seems negan did to Harry ......

I don’t think I could take vows again in front of lots of people knowing the first ones have already been broken

Well that's nice, I didn't break any vows and neither did my DH, his wife left him after getting pregnant by someone else. Should both of us be punished for that?

I married a widower. And my first husband left me for another woman when our third child was a tiny baby.

We went to Gretna and got married, just us two, had an amazing week in Greece and then had a lovely reception/party for all our friends when we came home.

Worked brilliantly, all our kids (five between us ranging from three twenty) had a great time - worked for us!

My ex married the other woman two weeks after our wedding, had my kids dressed up as page boys, your normal white dress, big wedding thing - and dint invite my eldest son! Partly maybe because he’s only eight years younger than hers!

I know which couple didn’t damage family relationships; I don’t think my eldest son will ever look at his dad the same way 😢

Gosh, excuse typos! I’m sure you all get the gist!

To be clear, our eldest son is eight years younger than my ex’s wife. Presumably that would have liked a bit awkward in the photos and that was more important than his feelings

Looked not liked ffs!

Do what you want.

Just dont pass on the cost to your guests.

Beautiful @John470322

DH had the big white wedding first time round and wasn't really bothered either way when we got married. We were both atheists but I wanted to marry at the church my parents married at and I was christened at, but the vicar didn't agree with marrying divorced people and was also really rude to us when we enquired about getting DS christened because we had him before we got married. We had a register office ceremony, I wore a full on meringue and we had a small reception at a social club. It was perfect for us but I did feel a little sad sometimes that I didn't have the lovely church photos. We did talk about renewing our vows in Vegas with an Elvis impersonator (for a bit of a laugh) but he died before we got chance to do it.

Well in my case it was also my ex husband who broke his vows so I don't see why my husband who had never been married before should have been penalised

When I got married it was my first wedding and DH’s 3rd!! We had a ‘white’ wedding in hotel but it wasn’t elaborate as neither of us wanted that

Beautiful photos John, you both look so happy ❤️ Some lovely stories here, and some bittersweet - AndNone I'm so sorry about your DH, and Blondes about your first husband, I'm so glad you've found happiness again.

It’s your wedding, OP. As long as you’re paying for it, I think you can have it any way you wish! And everyone who isn’t paying for it can keep their miserable opinions to themselves. Enjoy and congratulations!

I'm my husband's second wife and had all the questions you have plus a bit of a complex about her being 'first choice' (that was just me being a knob!) Anyway. My husband asked if he could choose the song I walked down the aisle to which he did, and I didn't know what it was until I started walking towards him. It was a song called 'The Luckiest' by Ben Folds and within the first two lines I realised exactly why he had chosen it. (Spotify it!)

Be a princess for the day and have an amazing time.

I’m in a similar position. Married twice before (still divorcing second husband, no children) new partner has never been married (though was in a VERY long term relationship, with children).

Should we get married, then I’ll go with whatever DP wants tbh. I’ve had both the low key (first) and blow out (second) wedding, and there were things I loved from both - the intimacy of the first, some of the details of the second.
Do whatever makes you happy. That’s the perfect way to start a marriage

@thebakerwithboobs that's so sweet of him! I love that song.

I married my husband in October and it was my 2nd wedding and the first for my husband. We had a registry office ceremony but it was a big white wedding. He's never been married so I wanted him to have the whole big thing

Thanks @Susurro. found a new loving supportive partner and one who made me a mummy as well - which I thought had lost my chance after dh died

Second weddings I've been to (whether for one or both partners) have often been indistinguishable from first weddings, with one difference...

It would be in poor taste to have a gift list or make any suggestion of presents. Best to request no presents.

Personal view; I think it is quite nice to have a bit of “difference” between the same person’s first and second wedding. Not necessarily smaller/less “white”, but not something that feels to close to a carbon copy of the first one, which feels a bit weird to