To ask about second weddings?

[Susurro]

I'm in a scenario where I'm in a very happy relationship (at last!) and we're both certain that marriage is on the cards. We're both late 30s, no children on either side. He has been married before and I haven't. In the interests of no drip feeding - the marriage was after a fairly long relationship but didn't last long; mutual amicable split; we met when the divorce was well underway.

The question that I have been wondering about is - what is the 'norm' for this kind of scenario where it's a second wedding for one partner but first for the other? Is there a norm?? I've never wanted a huge fancy wedding and we're both atheists so no churches involved, but I've always imagined some kind of destination wedding (not Maui )/non-meringuey white dress/family and friends/celebration party type thing; not massive but not tiny. I just don't know if that's the done thing if he's already had the 'big event' white wedding in front of family and friends.

Can you do it twice? Or if it's a second wedding, even for just one of you, should it be very low-key? Is it really inappropriate to invite everyone to your second 'white wedding' (for want of a better description) and people would find it odd, or does it not matter and nobody would give a shit? I want to marry him regardless, I know the wedding is just one day and all that, but I'd still quite like a bit of a shindig and a nice tasteful white frock that I can only wear once and I genuinely don't know how it works in this situation!

I wouldn't marry anyone on the rebound from their first marriage unless it was after being together several year.

I don’t think I could take vows again in front of lots of people knowing the first ones have already been broken

Im marrying for the second time in the next couple of years and my vows weren't broken either - my first husband died. My fiancé is divorced, so I guess you can say he's broken his vows, but what does it really matter? Some marriages end and people go on to want to marry again.

I got married in church the first time. I can barely remember the vows and only said them because that's what you do. The life that my husband and I built after the wedding defined our relationship, not the random words we had to say because tradition.

Next time we are having the legal bit, but will then go to a place that means something to us and say our own vows to each other. That's more meaningful.

Second weddings can be as small or as big as you want. For many of us who married young they represent the wedding we want, rather than the wedding we had because it was the way things were done and expected.

As for presents, if you want to buy something then buy it, if not don't bother. I've never known a couple who actually remember who gave them what anyway.

@FriedasCarLoad why would it be in poor taste?

If someone liked you enough to invite you to their second wedding, would you honestly not want to get them a gift to celebrate? Not much of a friend if you’re secretly thinking “you’ve had one toaster out of me, ya greedy bitch”, are you?

Haha I have always given a gift when I've been to a second wedding.

I've never been sent a link to a gift registry for one. I think they're more appropriate for when couples are setting up home for the first time.

But yes, if I'd given from a gift registry for the first wedding it would make me cringe a bit to be asked a second time!

I guess I feel that weddings are the one time its OK to give any hint of expecting gifts, but that it's a one time pass.

And I'll admit that it's probably heavily linked to that simply being what one did and didn't do according to the specific set of manners and etiquette I was brought up with. IRL I wouldn't pass comment... Well maybe in my head

@CalleighDoodle Thanks, It was good to share our very happy day.

@Susurro I don't really class it as a destination wedding when it's where one of you/half of the family is from - that's one of the 'unavoidable travel for some guests' situations I was referring to. And in this case - it being where the person getting married for the second time is actually the more practical location in terms of not costing guests lots to attend, so go for it and have whatever wedding you want!

thebakerwithboobs oh wow I love that song, it's so perfect!

I can 100% say that DP is not on the rebound, and we've been together for a while now. I also haven't made any vows to break, and whilst I guess he and his ex broke the 'til death us do part' one, it was a mutual decision. We wouldn't have a gift list, I'm genuinely not bothered about getting presents.

AndAnother yes you're right, it's not a typical 'destination wedding' as his family and friends are already here. It's just my lot who would have to travel, but the people that I'd want to be there have pretty much all said they're more than happy to make the trip.

Thanks again to everyone to took the time to post; I loved reading the happy stories, and feel a lot happier about how I'd like to do it now!

Do what's right for the two of you. Remember it's just the two of you in the relationship so have the wedding that suits you both.

I'm marrying my DP next year and it's just the two of us on a beach. DH hasn't been married before and never wanted the huge wedding and I was married before but my DH passed away so a nice day just the two of us works well.

We've planned a huge party for when we're back as well.