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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish SIL would stop behaving like a bitchy school girl?!

72 replies

WildChristmas · 22/12/2019 23:28

Sorry just a rant really. And a - how would you deal with this?

I know it’s another IL rant, but I don’t know I still let it get to me, how do I become tougher?!

Out with DS5 today and I bumped into SIL, in the local shopping centre, who I haven’t seen in nearly 3 years. She totally ignores me, totally! But honed in on DS who asked her who she was, as he hasn’t seen her in 3 years either. She talked excitedly to DS for a full 20 minutes - as if he was the best thing ever, and grasped his face at one point! It was full on - when he was younger she had very little interest. She was telling him, even though he didn’t understand, how she’d gone to see all these other family members since she’d been back in the country (she lives abroad), who live virtually next door to us, which was a bit pointedly that she didn’t want to visit us.

To me it was a big display of ‘he’s my blood relative and I am going to make a huge fuss of him as he’s all I care about and you can remain invisible’.

I tried to make some sort of polite conversation but she ignored me and did not respond. DH said several times that we should move on to her but she seemed to revel in my obvious uncomfortableness.

I haven’t seen her because after DH decided to have a mid life crisis and leave for 6 months, and stay with MIL, the female members of his family kicked into overdrive with animosity towards me. I was pretty shocked at the time as I thought I’d got on okay - and it hasn’t let up at all despite me and DH being back together for the last two years. I had no arguments or fall outs, this animosity all happened behind my back and resulted in them just refusing to ever see me. I did not have an affair or do anything to DH either. I sent some small talk nice messages to ILs over the last two years to send olive branches and forgive / forget but these were just ignored.

I know it was silly of me, but I actually wanted to cry there and then. Obviously pulled myself together and didn’t. But it was one chance for her and me to just share a very small bit of small talk which would pave the way for an easier future.

The two SILs and MIL have for the last two years been very antagonistic still and this has been mostly through wanted time with DS without me, and going overboard with presents almost as if they wanted to alienate me from him and I find it disconcerting and grabby.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 22/12/2019 23:34

Should have just grabbed DS and said “Come on, we’re going!” I have no idea why you subjected yourself to that for so long. You literally chose to remain in that position.

Havaina · 22/12/2019 23:45

I agree with @justilou1 you should have grabbed DS and walked off.

DH decided to have a mid life crisis and leave for 6 months, and stay with MIL, the female members of his family kicked into overdrive with animosity towards me.

Are you still refusing to acknowledge that your DH fed them a load of crap about you when he left you for 6 months?

And he again failed to protect you from his sister today.

sicasaparrot · 22/12/2019 23:50

I can sympathise. My SIL hates my guts for no good reason, but she hates loads of people so I don’t feel special.

Sisters and mothers often have a weird possessiveness over “their boy” (your DH) and you’ll never be good enough for him (which was proven to them by when he left you), and they were probably affronted when he went back to you, as they “lost” again. It’s fu**ed up, but it is what it is. Just stay away from them as much as you can.

Pardonwhat · 22/12/2019 23:58

What was your ‘DH’ peddling to his family to make them all detest you so much?

Original poster
WildChristmas · 23/12/2019 00:04

Oh I know DH probably massively betrayed me! However the way ILs grabbed onto that with so much glee was a bit surprising.

I asked DH at the time and I know he was saying that I was overly bossy, that I would be moody, that I didn’t like him having female friends (yes because he had an EA and then an actual affair... which SIL knows about). They also were really against DH moving out of what they felt was ‘his’ family home. He is the main earner. DH realized they were still antagonistic and tried to stick up for me a few times, but they gave him hell each time and twisted it back as if it was me that was the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
WildChristmas · 23/12/2019 00:09

Agree should have just grabbed DS and walked off. I think it’s partly because I am paranoid that they think I’m ‘bossy’ that I didn’t, and also because I wanted to try and just bridge things a little. But by the end I just wanted the floor to swallow me up and SIL definitely reveled in that, and time be fair to DH he was desperately trying to get us to move on, she just wasn’t having it.

OP posts:
WhatsInAName19 · 23/12/2019 00:12

The problem isn't your SIL (although she sounds unbearable); it’s your DH. His badmouthing of you is the reason that they have taken against you and he completely failed to step up on this occasion as well. He should have put a stop to this within seconds, not allowed his sister to disrespect you for 20 minutes!

zasknbg · 23/12/2019 00:13

Perhaps you could have been blunt and said, look Sarah you're ignoring the things I'm saying to you so we're going now, have a nice Christmas.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/12/2019 00:38

Well they are not going to think worse of you than they do, so why not be what they think you are?!

Be bossy. Dont allow them to treat you or DS like this. And as for your DH, its up to you whether you want to stay with a spineless custard factory for the rest of your life, but you dont have to stand there and let him watch you be treated like that. SIL did it because she knew you'd take it. She went back and crowed to them all about how she treated you "Oh you should have seen her face when I ignored her!"

Fuck. That. Shit.

They think you are stroppy bossy old bitch? Fucking BE ONE And that includes to your DH too frankly.

Equanimitas · 23/12/2019 00:47

and time be fair to DH he was desperately trying to get us to move on, she just wasn’t having it.

Really, how difficult would that have been? I get it that he was taken by surprise, but surely at some point within that 20 minutes he could have either said "Well, good to meet you, afraid we have to get on" or, ideally, "Look, you're being blatantly rude to Wild, as you're not prepared to acknowledge her there's no point carrying on with this discussion" and all three of you could have walked away.

MyKingdomForBrie · 23/12/2019 00:52

to be fair to DH

Are you joking? He should have said (ages ago, not just today) 'either be civil to my wife or we are leaving' and then walked away when she did not comply. He is allowing his family to treat you like this, simple.

Original poster
WildChristmas · 23/12/2019 00:56

'either be civil to my wife or we are leaving' I get this. DH has social blindness, his family are rude to each other a lot. However there’s a ruthlessness there, in him and ILs, where I do feel like he doesn’t stand up for me. As he doesn’t even really see how bad it is?

OP posts:
Didkdt · 23/12/2019 00:56

I'm sure you are upset but ultimately your DH or you should have walked on.
Your poor little boy will have been so confused by the whole thing
Your dh was modelled by his family but you are allowing them to disempower you. Bossy is another way of stripping a woman from being assertive.
It's ok to cry it out but then take a deep breath and decide your future and your expectations for you and your Dh to protect and honour each other because he hasn't done much of that it seems

katy1213 · 23/12/2019 00:57

Must be going, things to do, take your child's hand and walk off. Husband can trot after you or not.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 23/12/2019 00:59

She talked excitedly to DS for a full 20 minutes

You need to grow a spine and just walk off. Who gives a fuck if it’s rude or they will talk about you? They’re are rude. Just walk off. Dont stand there allowing people to make you feel like crap.

Original poster
WildChristmas · 23/12/2019 00:59

I know I am still quite wobbly about DH, this doesn’t help. I couldn’t even say how upset I was to DH, in case he took it the wrong way.

I can’t tell you though how validated I feel with all your posts, thank you everyone. I do start to feel is it me? Did I just overreact? What the hell happened there?!

OP posts:
WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 23/12/2019 01:00

where I do feel like he doesn’t stand up for me.

He’s never going to. It’s who he is and it’s what you’ve accepted. You need to stand up for yourself.

Patroclus · 23/12/2019 01:02

Get rid of all of them

ReanimatedSGB · 23/12/2019 01:02

Did your H come back because his other woman binned him and he had nowhere else to go? He doesn't seem to be exactly falling over himself to convince you that he prioritizes you, does he? It does sound a bit as though you feel you can't stand up for yourself because he will just be all 'Well, I came back, didn't I? Makes me wonder why I bothered' if you are anything other than grateful and compliant.

BillHadersNewWife · 23/12/2019 01:12

In situations like this, I imagine I'm The Dowager from Downton Abbey or The Queen or someone very grand.

Then I say things like "Well it's been absolutely delightful! But I'm sure you're very busy. Goodbye."

Original poster
WildChristmas · 23/12/2019 01:13

Love this. Wish I’d said it. Next time!!!
Well it's been absolutely delightful! But I'm sure you're very busy. Goodbye.

OP posts:
Lilygrey77 · 23/12/2019 01:21

Not to sound rude but did DH slag u off the whole time he was back with his gang as that's what it sounds like and they're now holding a grudge

Original poster
WildChristmas · 23/12/2019 01:31

He did at first, and then realized they were getting carried away and started to tell them not to talk about me like that. To be honest I know it was DH who started it, but the two sisters and their mum couldn’t wait to make me an enemy. Looking back I can now see signs from before, I’m a different nationality, I work at a good job and have helped DS through a medical issue, and I know DH tried to ‘counter’ this by saying how proud he was of my work and help with DS - but they got even worse.
Last year, after DH specifically went to talk to them and told them to stop ignoring me - SIL held a huge family do and invited everyone, including DS, but not me. Sad They also started to ask frequently for DH to come to their house with DS and not me. Made me feel very uncomfortable like they wanted to take over as mum! So I started refusing and saying they could visit our house and see us all or forget it.

OP posts:
ACouchOfOnesOwn · 23/12/2019 01:36

You're diverting it on to your MIL and SILS but this is all on your DH. He took back tales and, presumably, then told you how horrible MIL and SIL were about you behind your back. He's deliberately driven a wedge between you all and isn't attempting to remove it.
It's not difficult to end a conversation and walk on. He didn't want to do it.

HoppingPavlova · 23/12/2019 01:49

I would think this is your DH’s doing. No doubt when he left he went back with tales of how monstrous you are. In their eyes when he returned to you it is like he ‘forgives’ you, but they are under no obligation to do so. You have a DH problem, not an in-law problem.

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