To wish SIL would stop behaving like a bitchy school girl?!

[WildChristmas]

Sorry just a rant really. And a - how would you deal with this?

I know it’s another IL rant, but I don’t know I still let it get to me, how do I become tougher?!

Out with DS5 today and I bumped into SIL, in the local shopping centre, who I haven’t seen in nearly 3 years. She totally ignores me, totally! But honed in on DS who asked her who she was, as he hasn’t seen her in 3 years either. She talked excitedly to DS for a full 20 minutes - as if he was the best thing ever, and grasped his face at one point! It was full on - when he was younger she had very little interest. She was telling him, even though he didn’t understand, how she’d gone to see all these other family members since she’d been back in the country (she lives abroad), who live virtually next door to us, which was a bit pointedly that she didn’t want to visit us.

To me it was a big display of ‘he’s my blood relative and I am going to make a huge fuss of him as he’s all I care about and you can remain invisible’.

I tried to make some sort of polite conversation but she ignored me and did not respond. DH said several times that we should move on to her but she seemed to revel in my obvious uncomfortableness.

I haven’t seen her because after DH decided to have a mid life crisis and leave for 6 months, and stay with MIL, the female members of his family kicked into overdrive with animosity towards me. I was pretty shocked at the time as I thought I’d got on okay - and it hasn’t let up at all despite me and DH being back together for the last two years. I had no arguments or fall outs, this animosity all happened behind my back and resulted in them just refusing to ever see me. I did not have an affair or do anything to DH either. I sent some small talk nice messages to ILs over the last two years to send olive branches and forgive / forget but these were just ignored.

I know it was silly of me, but I actually wanted to cry there and then. Obviously pulled myself together and didn’t. But it was one chance for her and me to just share a very small bit of small talk which would pave the way for an easier future.

The two SILs and MIL have for the last two years been very antagonistic still and this has been mostly through wanted time with DS without me, and going overboard with presents almost as if they wanted to alienate me from him and I find it disconcerting and grabby.

where I do feel like he doesn’t stand up for me. As he doesn’t even really see how bad it is

I would think he probably does see but doesn't care as it doesn't effect him, he sounds like an utterly selfish and immature person. He ran off to tell tales on you to mummy and sister, they believed him and then when it suited him he backpedaled, who knows how long his complaints had been going on, possible way before he left hence the coldness from them before his crisis. They believed him and unless he turns around and confesses he made it up or exaggerated they aren't going to stop believing his past lies.

Sorry another one who thinks it’s a dh problem. Outrageous behaviour.

He must have told them awful things about you for them still to be like this. If I had a friend that I thought was being abused by their spouse and felt they couldn't leave because of the children, but found a bit of happiness through an affair, then I and most people would 'blame' the spouse not my friend. And if they then did a complete 180 on their story I would just assume their spouse had got to them.

He needs to convince them that he was lying to them to try and excuse his bad behaviour, and if they wont be convinced, then he needs to take action and say he wont be seeing them until they can be civil. It was awful he just stood by and let you be completely ignored like that. What kind of message is that sending your son, that family dont need to give each other even a basic level of respect?

You have a DH problem.
She uses your DC to treat you very disrespect right in front of him and he is not insisting on ending the situation immediately.

Your DH and SIL both behaved in an appalling way and I would be beyond furious in your position.

found a bit of happiness through an affair, then I and most people would 'blame' the spouse it is very worrying that anyone would think an affair is in any way an excuse. And abuse is a very strong word to use on someone when you have no evidence as SIL has no evidence at all of that.

I do accept DH could have stuck up for me more. He does rarely see them now. So I do think he’s gone some way.

Don’t try to find reason in her behaviour. Fact is, she was always a cow, and the separation vindicated her. My husband didn’t speak to my SIL for years because she was offended when he told her that it was unacceptable the way she treated me and the nasty things said about and to me. She’s never going to be ok with me, so we just keep away from her, see her once or twice a year and if she doesn’t behave, we don’t see her at all. You don’t have to put up with it, just don’t go around there and tell him that he isn’t to either. His loyalty should be with you. End of.

OP, it sounds as if you are scared of your husband?

He must have indeed said awful things about you to his family.

Is this the life you want for yourself?

He is not loyal.
He is not supportive.
He is not kind.

His family sound awful.
He doesn't sound much better.

Think about your future.
You really deserve much more.

Wishing you well. 💐

There will be a huge back story here the I highly doubt we will get a true picture of from the OP

What it sounds like is you have a weak and disloyal DH. But one that you worry about upsetting, in case he leaves or cheats again. So you'll have to either step up or put up. Not an easy decision.

You’ve posted about this before, this story... I’ve definitely read about it.
I’ll tell you what I told you on your previous threads again.
None, absolutely none of them, including your husband have any respect for you.
They are all abusive.

Did you eventually get your DH to stop sneaking your DS off to see them? Xx

Sorry... don’t know where the Xxs came from

Think I recall you posting about this before.

He did at first, and then realized they were getting carried away and started to tell them not to talk about me like that. To be honest I know it was DH who started it, but the two sisters and their mum couldn’t wait to make me an enemy.

Bollocks he did. He has obviously executed a complete character assassination on you.

But as PP have said, don’t stand around with your kid putting up with the batshittery for 20 minutes next time. Just walk away.

You should've taken your son and walked away from all the fuckers on his side the chief one your shit of a husband!

I know I am still quite wobbly about DH, this doesn’t help.

So in other words, you’re grateful he came back and you’re frightened that if you stand up for yourself he’ll leave again. This is no way to live. If he truly wanted to make amends for his shitty behaviour he’d be fighting your corner and telling his family to fuck off. Not letting them continue to abuse you.

What a nasty piece of work your H is, I hope in ten years time he's history and you have a much nicer husband and family in law!

I think you need therapy to help you establish boundaries. You need a limit of how much bullshit you will take and that includes from your dick of a husband.

He could have put a stop to this any time. But he wont because he doesnt want his lies to get back to you. The more separate he keeps you, the less chance you'll find out the truth.

You have a DH problem.

@HowDeepIsYourGlove hi yes that was me. I did get him to stop sneaking DS off. Scarily possessive. I’m caught between as rock and a hard place as soon as I leave SIL will basically be mum to DS every time DH has him.

She's not his mum. You are. She will spend more time with him, sure. But is that enough reason to stay with your useless DH?

@WildChristmas oh darling, what are you doing.
You need to get away from these horrible people.
PM if you need some support, but you need to look after yourself

Unfortunately EOW with DS being taken over all of that weekend by SIL is a lot. DS is an extremely vulnerable boy, and highly manipulatable. At least now that is not happening, DS is protected.

Of course it is not ideal, but at the moment I can’t let SIL emotionally abuse DS and alienate me. I’m getting support and trying to find a way out of it. Unfortunately this kind of abuse is very hard to stop and separating is not going to stop it.

They also started to ask frequently for DH to come to their house with DS and not me. Made me feel very uncomfortable like they wanted to take over as mum! So I started refusing and saying they could visit our house and see us all or forget it.

Again, this shouldn't have been left to you. Your husband should have made it clear he wasn't going to accept any invitation the didn't include you.