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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish SIL would stop behaving like a bitchy school girl?!

72 replies

WildChristmas · 22/12/2019 23:28

Sorry just a rant really. And a - how would you deal with this?

I know it’s another IL rant, but I don’t know I still let it get to me, how do I become tougher?!

Out with DS5 today and I bumped into SIL, in the local shopping centre, who I haven’t seen in nearly 3 years. She totally ignores me, totally! But honed in on DS who asked her who she was, as he hasn’t seen her in 3 years either. She talked excitedly to DS for a full 20 minutes - as if he was the best thing ever, and grasped his face at one point! It was full on - when he was younger she had very little interest. She was telling him, even though he didn’t understand, how she’d gone to see all these other family members since she’d been back in the country (she lives abroad), who live virtually next door to us, which was a bit pointedly that she didn’t want to visit us.

To me it was a big display of ‘he’s my blood relative and I am going to make a huge fuss of him as he’s all I care about and you can remain invisible’.

I tried to make some sort of polite conversation but she ignored me and did not respond. DH said several times that we should move on to her but she seemed to revel in my obvious uncomfortableness.

I haven’t seen her because after DH decided to have a mid life crisis and leave for 6 months, and stay with MIL, the female members of his family kicked into overdrive with animosity towards me. I was pretty shocked at the time as I thought I’d got on okay - and it hasn’t let up at all despite me and DH being back together for the last two years. I had no arguments or fall outs, this animosity all happened behind my back and resulted in them just refusing to ever see me. I did not have an affair or do anything to DH either. I sent some small talk nice messages to ILs over the last two years to send olive branches and forgive / forget but these were just ignored.

I know it was silly of me, but I actually wanted to cry there and then. Obviously pulled myself together and didn’t. But it was one chance for her and me to just share a very small bit of small talk which would pave the way for an easier future.

The two SILs and MIL have for the last two years been very antagonistic still and this has been mostly through wanted time with DS without me, and going overboard with presents almost as if they wanted to alienate me from him and I find it disconcerting and grabby.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/12/2019 01:56

As it so often is - you have a DH problem, and it is an ongoing problem, not a one-off. He left you. He badmouthed you. And at present, he stands to one side and lets his sisters/mother rip into you, every fucking time.

"I know I am still quite wobbly about DH, this doesn’t help."
What do you mean by this? Are your feelings towards him 'wobbly'? Or do you feel he could walk out again? I don't know what you mean by this, so I don't know what advice to offer you.

Shesalittlemadam · 23/12/2019 01:57

Your husband sounds borderline emotionally abusive

Lilygrey77 · 23/12/2019 02:25

I have to say this sounds like my in laws.. The mother and 2 sisters were horrific...as blood is thicker than water DH sided with them all the time, then I left him because of them being so overbearing and pullin his strings tryin to get him to forget my existence. He moved back in with them, realised how awful they were, showed their true colours and how DH being unhappy was OK as long as they are happy, he begged me back and the ball was then in my court. MIL still tried her luck but DH kept them at arms length and our marriage was better than ever. DH mum died earlier this year and life is much more peaceful from SIL's now Aswell. Some family are just pure poison. Very sad as things couldve been so different. Unfortunately your hubby has a lot to answer for however it must burn SIL so bad that you're back together.
Set the ground rules with DH. True saying, a clown will always be a clown, but if he keeps going to the circus... shrugs

7yo7yo · 23/12/2019 06:02

Who gives a fuck what they think?
Next time grab your son by the hand and walk away. Leave your shitty back stabbing cunt of a husband behind and let them carry on.
If she tries to grab your son back tell her to fuck of.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 23/12/2019 06:13

Have you posted about this before? Why would you take the crumbs from your husband,? Not only does he cheat but he verbally assassinated you're character to his family and doesnt stick up for you. Why be with someone like that. Let's not dress it up as a midlife crisis hes a cheat op it was a choice sounds like it ended and he came running back and you welcomed him with open arms. Nothings changed for you.

hoorayforharoldlloyd · 23/12/2019 06:15

Advice to be who they say is excellent. Think of some phrases you can use immediately and walk. Imagine they are a chugger or some weirdo you don't know scaring your child and channel that.

As for your unhelpful and rude husband. If it's easier, start standing up in general (and if these people are crushing you think about other areas in your life where people are squashing you or controlling you by telling you who you are and start pushing back). Otherwise tell him clearly what you expect from him. Don't get into the ins and outs. Just your sister was very rude to me. If this happens again i expect you to end tje conversation quickly and we will walk away. This is what i will be doing. Once you've said it, it will be easier to do it.

Bunch of eejits. But you can change this.

Scarsthelot · 23/12/2019 06:16

Your dh told them absolutely horrendous stuff. Probably to justify his EA and he walking out for 6 months. He either hasnt told them he made it all up, or has told them and they dont believe him and think he is covering up for you.

He will have said things far worse than what he has told you. I am guessing g he has told them your behaviour was abusive. Hence their reaction.

Your problem is entirely your husband.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/12/2019 06:45

You have a massive husband problem. If you didn’t either your in laws would be treating you with respect or he’d not be in contact with them.

iMatter · 23/12/2019 06:50

Agree that your husband is your problem

He has caused this and does nothing to fix it

Does he enjoy the arguments, tension and upset?

TitianaTitsling · 23/12/2019 06:54

I couldn’t even say how upset I was to DH, in case he took it the wrong way. How can he take it the 'wrong way'? Oh OP, am.so sorry, your 'D' H is an absolute arse towards you! He started all the horrible talk about you to his family, and now his best defence about it is telling you that he told them to calm it down?

Gardai · 23/12/2019 06:57

I think you are fixating on the wrong people. The in laws are a lost cause, they obviously fully support your H, believe him and will continue to do so. He must have said a lot worse than he’s telling you.
You should be upset with your H not his family. It’s very disrespectful and soul destroying for you 🌸

thickwoollytights · 23/12/2019 07:03

This is about your DH not your SIL

He has created this horrible situation

He is allowing this horrible situation to continue by not sticking up for you and not protecting you

Newbie1981 · 23/12/2019 07:20

Your Husband probably slagged you off a lot in that break. Sorry but it's the only explanation. That's probably why he wanted to move along too. Hope you have a nice Xmas

Newbie1981 · 23/12/2019 07:21

Sorry I need to learn to read the thread. You already know this :-)

MotorwayDiva · 23/12/2019 07:32

You are in a no win situation, my ILs disliked me and I tried for ten years, now I ignore them and its better for my mental health, but I still get some filtered comments from them.

Beautiful3 · 23/12/2019 07:35

Sounds like your husband told tales and painted you to be a villain. But they should know better than to treat you so badly. Because it's been this way for a few years, it's never going to change. All you can do is remember if you bump into her again, just grab your childs hand and walk past her, without stopping. I wouldnt allow my children to go to in laws house if they excluded me. I would say it's all of us or nothing. Think you should take a stand from now on.

AlaskanOilBaron · 23/12/2019 07:40

The only way that any of this makes sense to me is if you feel 'lucky' to have him back and you're trying not to rock the boat.

I have a great but also difficult sister in law and my husband would have given her about 90 seconds if she'd attempted something like this before telling her to fuck off.

I have been in a situation like this before, it is such a breach of social protocols that it's easy to stand there like an idiot and kick yourself afterwards, but your husband should have done much better.

Clutterbugsmum · 23/12/2019 08:08

Sounds like your husband and his family have taught you that you are invisible, and nothing to their family.

The only way to stop this is for you to behaving like they want you to do and they want to silence you. You need to start standing up for yourself and more importantly your DS otherwise you child will learn to talk to with contempt as that what he is being taught by your husband and his family.

Your need to find your voice, start being honest with your H and he doesn't like it then tough he created this situation, and he needs to own and sort it out and until then you and your DS do not see his family.

ChristmasSweet · 23/12/2019 08:18

Next time she or any of the family walk up to yours and start rambling to your son or DH and ignore you, just take your son by the hand and walk off loudly saying 'we don't talk to strangers please leave us alone'.

If they then start yelling, they will look beyond bonkers to anyone close by. Win win for you.

FraglesRock · 23/12/2019 08:41

Did your dh and ds go to this big family do.
Does he visit family without you then, I can't imagine my dh visiting people who treat me like that.

hazell42 · 23/12/2019 08:49

I you got on before you separated and now she blanks you, I can pretty much guarantee your DH spent that 6 months bad mouthing you.
In order to justify his leaving you, he must have made up some pretty nasty stuff, which she is still holding against you out o loyalty to her brother who she sees a the injured party
I think you need to ask your DH what the hell he told them

Catlady89 · 23/12/2019 08:54

Ugh, I also have a SIL problem. She is a big B to me and to one of my children but she is very sly about ir. She knows that i will snap on her and shes pushing for it (again) but I smile so sweetly and be so nice to her I can see it is killing her My husband didn't really see at first but he sees it for himself now. She isnt particularly nice to anyone but i know its because she is jealous of what everyone else has. Everyone, myself included has picked her up time and again and helped her but she just throws it back and then you feel a fool for ever feeling sorry for her. If it wasn't for our beautiful DN, I would cut ties.
If my husband didn't defend me or my name whilst im not there he would be gone. You're a team and he should have your back always! You have my sympathies because its never straight forward or easy, families can be messy. I hope you have a wonderful christmas OP

GlitteryGracie · 23/12/2019 10:50

Your MIL and SIL sound awful but I agree with:

What was your ‘DH’ peddling to his family to make them all detest you so much?

This is coming from DH ultimately.

He had an affair then slagged you off to make himself look like the victim, now you've got back together but he's allowing this situation to continue.

Sorry op but he should only have been allowed to come back to you if he was prepared to put right the situation that he created. To me this would include saying to his family "no, see us all together and behave decently or don't see us at all"

He doesn't have your back and sounds a little bit like he's keeping his options open.

Time to make it clear that this relationship can only move forward if he stands up to you in front of his family. Would couples counselling help you to say this in a safe space?

Original poster

WildChristmas · 23/12/2019 12:04

They never gave me a chance even before DH left - I just didn’t see it at the time. They were really happy DH left and did not like him coming back!

One year SIL told me for example, “to be sure to let DH know that he is welcome at hers for Christmas”. At the time I was totally taken aback and just thought she must be confused. I said that of course we were spending Christmas together!

OP posts:

Scarsthelot · 23/12/2019 12:13

What sil said doesnt equate to 'he is Ivited but you arent' to me.

Your husband will have been telling them this shit for years.

It seems you are quite happy ignoring yours husbands obvious part in this and want to blame his mum and sister. So just keep doing that.

But if you are going to keep accepting that this is how it is, you need thicker skin so you arent stood feeling akward if you see them and then wanting to cry after.

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