To think Christmas can't be salvaged and I'm a shit mum?

[Adamshands]

DC, aged 10 & 12 came back from their dad’s today and will be with me until Boxing Day. Obviously, I had taken advantage of the couple of days they were away to get last minute things sorted for Christmas and was really looking forward to them coming back. They got back at 3 and ds2 wanted to get online as he had been in the middle of playing with his school friends and had to leave. Against my better judgement I allowed it – I do feel they get a shit deal sometimes having to move from one house to another (they are mainly with me, but both have commented that even 1-2 nights a week elsewhere can be awkward) and I took the chance to have a one-to-one chat with ds1.

Ds2 ended up being online a lot longer than I wanted but after tea I said let’s play a boardgame. Both agreed but then couldn’t agree on one. The evening was fats going downhill tbh and during the game ds2 ended up watching tv. Ok, not ideal but I thought tomorrow will be a fresh start. Then it got to be bedtime – later than usual but still. Then out of nowhere, I honestly don’t know what started it, ds2 started a massive screaming tantrum. He didn’t want to go to bed, he hates me, himself, his brother, we hate him. It carried on for so long I ended up getting angry with him – he was screaming, wouldn’t go upstairs …

His brother was trying to calm him down – it was awful. At one point I said ‘if you don’t go up now I’m not doing Christmas – I still have a lot to do and if you’re not going to bed I can’t do it ever.’ At that point he went and got the presents he had got me (with ds1 trying to stop him) and came down and threw them at me. I told him he could go in my room and take his presents if he wants as I won’t be wrapping them and I’m done with it. I even tried to drag him in there, though I let go when he resisted.

Ds1 was upset, ds2 was dancing around laughing as if trying to be as obnoxious as possible. I’ve come down and I’m shaking. I’m so upset at myself for not staying calmer but I just don’t know why he’s being like this.

I just feel like a massive failure – ds1 is acting more like an adult with responsibility to solve everything and shouldn’t have to be, and ds2 is like some kind of hell child. They’re going to end up hating each other and me and I don’t know what to do about it.

You're not a shit mum and it can be salvaged. I'm sure DC2 feels crap about everything too.

You have a great chance as the adult to model how to move forward from a shitty situation now - apologise maybe for anything you feel was out of order from your end, and agree with them to press reset and start again, reiterating that you want a lovely Christmas with them and love them. I'd talk separately with both if you can as well, to deal with the feelings of upset from ds1 as well as the obvious angry feelings from ds2.

You can do this. You're a good parent.

It’s often difficult when kids come back from another parent’s. What kind of time do they have at their dad’s? Tomorrow will be another day, as you say. Boys and screens is a bad enough combination at the best of times, I find.
You could ring a parenting helpline for some ideas for the next few days, it’s not the easiest season anyway! Are you on yr own with them and where will you be on Christmas Day?

Deep breath. You can pull this back. Transitions are hard for kids plus all that time gaming is just not good for some kids.
Sort out the presents, let your D's calm down and then talk it over in the morning when you've all had a good sleep.

You are not shit at all. That sounds awful and I know how these things can escalate to a point where nobody even knows what started it.

Deep breath and tomorrow is a new day. But in the meantime I’d probably ban the gaming for a good while. I often find DD is a nicer person for having her brain in the real world more.

Oh OP that sounds really tough. I know this sounds too obvious, but it sounds like they need to talk and spend time unwinding away from the screens.

All go for a long walk tomorrow and quite literally clear the air? Apologise to Ds, you did do wrong there. He was screaming because he’s hurting inside and then you punished him for it.

When my ds came back from exh he needed a good few hours to readjust.
No rules over there. No bedtime. No younger siblings.
Whole other life.
As him tomorrow if he agrees today was rubbish. Ask how you can get sorted towards having a great Xmas.
You most def aren't a rubbish dm.

Oh, I didn't know I had enabled voting .

They have a pretty shit time at their dad's - he doesn't regulate screen time at all (yes, I know I didn't do well at that today either...) and they had rung me with his permission for me to pick them up 4 hours earlier than planned today. i think ds2's friends came online when I was en route,annoyingly.

Just us for Christmas - no extended family really my side and little ex's, which means it's all on me. Poor kids.

Your ds was tired, overstimulated, sad about not seeing his Dad at xmas I imagine and finding the back and forth difficult between separated parents homes. And he took that out on you, because he loves you and that's always the person we hurt most when we're hurting.

Yet instead of just letting him work through that and just cracking on with his evening until he eventually went to bed of his own accord, you rose to the level of the tantrum 🤷‍♀️

He is 10. Ten ffs. He is a child. He is probably tired and hurting. And instead of listening when he was trying to tell you how he felt right then, you just assume he's being a little shit instead. 10yr olds don't throw tantrums unless they are trying to express something and they don't have the emotional range to do it properly yet.

Awh OP tensions are very high this time of year. Okay his behaviour wasn't great but try to reconnect give him a hug and find out what is wrong.
Are you a family of 3 long.
You can definitely salvage christmas.
Someone will be along with better advice. I hope you are ok. Keep in mind with DC they always lash out at the ones they love. ♥️

You've had a really shitty evening, it happens. Kids can be real pricks sometimes. Don't beat yourself up about it, let it go. Have a better day tomorrow. x

Don't be so hard on yourself; Christmas is bldy stressful, divorced parents is bldy stressful, teenagers are bldy stressful...it won't have hurt them to see you lose the plot a bit, they need to know you're only human. DS1 sounds lovely and caring. Start again tomorrow, telling them today was rubbish wasn't it, and let's put things right. Cake in Costa might start things well. Have a good Christmas x

How do you normally punish them? This is a pretty major transgression in my mind and although I can appreciate it’s unsettling does that entitle him to behave like a massive brat. There would definitely need to be an apology forthcoming from him before I would move forward with a single treat - although I agree it will definitely seem more manageable in the morning.

I’m surprised at people calling him a brat or saying kids can be little pricks etc. I think it’s obvious your DS was having a big cry for help because he’s not coping?! He’s only 10.

OP, you don’t sound like a shit mum because you care and are worried. But you also sound like you know you didn’t react well. I think you need to get them outside and tell them you’re sorry and tell them it’s time for a fresh start to the holiday. (In my experience, boys always open up more when they’re outside in the fresh air!)

My son used to behave like a prize arse everytime he came back from his father. Every single time. He was deeply unhappy. he was a very sensitive boy and could not cope with the moving around. Also he wasn't happy with his father who fed him mental crap everytime he was there.
The court ordered no contact for various reasons and my sons behaviour improved 100%.
I don't know if you ex is a good dad or not but it sounds a bit suspicious. I think you need to have a heart to heart with both boys and see if you can get to the bottom of this.
My son is nearly 40 now and told me the other day that he will never forgive his dad for the way he treated the both of us and that he hated going there and was very confused and upset which made him explode. he had trouble telling me and had torn loyalties.

You haven't ruined Wednesday on Sunday. Sounds like Sunday was a bit shit, but Monday can be better, then Tuesday will be exciting, leading up to a lovely day on Wednesday.
At those ages and this weather, they need fresh air and exercise. Create a reason to get you all some exercise - football if it is fine, walking to a friend's house to deliver Christmas cards, helping out a neighbour with a dog. Too much being sedentary doesn't help hormones!

Are you home tomorrow or working?
There is much that should have been don’t differently, but the horse has bolted.
When they get to tomorrow, give him a hug and say “yesterday all went to shit, didn’t it?” (in whatever language is more appropriate!)
Suggest you start again, and don’t try to force a conversation about it. Of course, if he wants to talk - do so. But with tensions high, everyone tired, Xmas hyperactivity etc... I wouldn’t force a talk. Plan your day to stay off the screens naturally rather than punitively - get out and about.
Take your presents that he threw at you and place them visibly under the tree.

You need to talk to him, but first you need to both calm down.

Oh it’s Christmas, OP, don’t worry about it honestly. We stuff them full of rich, sugary, fattening food, hype them up with the promise of gifts, remove routine and structure from their lives and tell them they WILL enjoy it.

It’s not you. Seriously.

My son’s a lot younger (7) but I have noticed that if he has a lot of iPad/tv time, he turns a bit psycho and has a total meltdown about something or other. My friend noticed the same with her kids. Perhaps that was part of it.

Buy yourself a local Treasure Trail and get out and explore tomorrow/Tuesday if the weather is okay. Our kids love them as it's a walk with a purpose and keeps them engaged. You can also text for help if you get stuck! They're usually 2.5miles and take a couple of hours. We find a McDonalds on the way home also helps make an afternoon of it

I've had some pretty rubbish days with 10yo DD and it wasn't even on the run up to Christmas! These things happen so try to get some sleep and have a plan for some structure tomorrow if you can.

I'm grateful for all the replies and for people not being harsh.

They came down a while ago and ds2 said sorry and he'd buy me more presents and I obviously told him not to and said sorry too. Still feel shit though because although I said sorry I still felt angry with him, which isn't fair as he's a child, which I know but I feel so frustrated with his stubbornness and I'm sure ds1 is being affected.

They were talking and laughing together for a bit and it's now gone quiet, but I I can't stop thinking that it's all so crap. They rang me because they were having a crap time at dad's and now they've had a crap time here too.

We are off to an NT place tomorrow that we always visit this time of year. It should be good, but ds2 is so unpredictable these days i feel a sense of doom too...

Give yourself a break. As others have said, talk to him tomorrrow and be honest that you wish you hadn’t shouted and you’re sorry. See if he has the words for why he felt and acted how he did, he might not, but see if there is anything that comes up. Perhaps, as others have said, plan in some downtime post his Dads so he can readjust.

You haven’t ruined Christmas.

I’m not surprised as the behaviour I have seen from grown adults over the last few days is amazing. I even lost the plot at some cashier recently, they couldn’t understand something blindingly obvious and usually I’d just think FFS and do an internal eye roll instead. It’s a very fraught time of year with lots of adults losing the plot so can understand it being worse for kids. Don’t know where anyone got the ‘festive’ bit from, it’s just stressful.

Give yourself a break. Tomorrow is a new day. Do you usually eat breakfast together? Maybe use it as an opportunity to talk about your expectations for the next few days. Discuss what’s important to them (screen time, being able to contact friends/ dad etc) and what’s important to you (respect, fresh air, etc) and then come up with a loose plan for the next few days so that everyone knows what to expect.

Enjoy your day at the NT place

Letting out tension. Xmas can be a fucking difficult time for so many reasons. Give yourself adn the kids a break and start again tomorrow. x