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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think Christmas can't be salvaged and I'm a shit mum?

72 replies

Adamshands · 22/12/2019 22:09

DC, aged 10 & 12 came back from their dad’s today and will be with me until Boxing Day. Obviously, I had taken advantage of the couple of days they were away to get last minute things sorted for Christmas and was really looking forward to them coming back. They got back at 3 and ds2 wanted to get online as he had been in the middle of playing with his school friends and had to leave. Against my better judgement I allowed it – I do feel they get a shit deal sometimes having to move from one house to another (they are mainly with me, but both have commented that even 1-2 nights a week elsewhere can be awkward) and I took the chance to have a one-to-one chat with ds1.

Ds2 ended up being online a lot longer than I wanted but after tea I said let’s play a boardgame. Both agreed but then couldn’t agree on one. The evening was fats going downhill tbh and during the game ds2 ended up watching tv. Ok, not ideal but I thought tomorrow will be a fresh start. Then it got to be bedtime – later than usual but still. Then out of nowhere, I honestly don’t know what started it, ds2 started a massive screaming tantrum. He didn’t want to go to bed, he hates me, himself, his brother, we hate him. It carried on for so long I ended up getting angry with him – he was screaming, wouldn’t go upstairs …

His brother was trying to calm him down – it was awful. At one point I said ‘if you don’t go up now I’m not doing Christmas – I still have a lot to do and if you’re not going to bed I can’t do it ever.’ At that point he went and got the presents he had got me (with ds1 trying to stop him) and came down and threw them at me. I told him he could go in my room and take his presents if he wants as I won’t be wrapping them and I’m done with it. I even tried to drag him in there, though I let go when he resisted.

Ds1 was upset, ds2 was dancing around laughing as if trying to be as obnoxious as possible. I’ve come down and I’m shaking. I’m so upset at myself for not staying calmer but I just don’t know why he’s being like this.

I just feel like a massive failure – ds1 is acting more like an adult with responsibility to solve everything and shouldn’t have to be, and ds2 is like some kind of hell child. They’re going to end up hating each other and me and I don’t know what to do about it.

OP posts:

katewhinesalot · 23/12/2019 00:12

Ds started going through an angry phase at that age. I used to get quite het up about it and it took me a while to realise that when that red mist of anger descends then there is no point in engaging with them. You can escalate punishments till the cows come home but they can't snap out of it.

Refuse to engage. Step back and ignore after stating calmly that you will discuss the behavior when they've calmed down.

9 times out of ten he would calm down and come unasked to apologise. We would discuss it calmly and he would be repentant, unlike the aftermath of the arguments we used to have. Quite often I didn't feel the need to punish as the discussion was adequate and he understood where he had gone wrong. If I did give a consequence it was accepted readily as being deserved.

Fortunately he grew out of it. We have a great relationship now.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/12/2019 00:25

Just read the OP's posts but one thing stands out to me.

"They had a crap time at dads"

Thats what it is. They wanted to come home and were hurt and disappointed that it was shit so they kicked off at the one parent they trust and feel secure with. Why do you think your ex says "They are no trouble for me!"? Because they cant trust him. They know that when they kick off and vent their emotions, you will still love them and be there for them, you are their safe place.

That is proof, should you need it, that actually you are great mum because an insecure child would not feel safe enough to do that with you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/12/2019 00:28

Sorry that should say they were hurt and disappointed that it was shit at their dads so they kicked off

Butterymuffin · 23/12/2019 00:43

Glad they came down and your youngest apologised. Agree to wipe the slate clean and start afresh in the morning.

VenusTiger · 23/12/2019 01:16

OP, your sons feel they can totally be themselves with you, they can release anger, frustration, hurt and sadness, because it’s their home, their safe space. An 8 yr old will have difficulty expressing such a massive thing that’s going on in his life right now. He said sorry, and that’s important, because he realises his way of expression isn’t healthy.
Have you ever tried (sorry if this sounds condescending) putting your arms around him if he has a screaming tantrum, as he appears to be losing control.
Can your sons visit their dad for 2 days but for a few hours, or just dinner in future instead of staying over?
You sound like you’re doing a brilliant job with them though, they clearly want to be with you OP.
Talk to them some more. Good luck.

Dieu · 23/12/2019 01:22

You're definitely not a shit parent. Kids and exes can be a complete pain in the tits at times!
Go easy on yourself

VenusTiger · 23/12/2019 01:24

@deboishmum I think you need to remove ‘mum’ from your username! 🔧

CSIblonde · 23/12/2019 02:45

Maybe he's unsettled when coming back from his Dad's & he needs quiet time to process & transition back to you so to speak, rather than board games. Only a guess? What did they do at their Dad's & before 3pm that day, was he over tired from lots of activities?

sashh · 23/12/2019 03:29

Is he a child who doesn't like change? Maybe he has come home and the decorations are up, the tree is up or you have just moved something.

I may be on the spectrum and one of my meltdown triggers is when thing are not as I expected.

Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2019 03:57

OP nothing is ruined, you are gong to cope well tomorrow.

If your son really has smashed your gifts, do give him a chance to go out and replace them. With your help if necessary IMHO. He does need to know actions have consequences. Your other son sounds like he is taking the lead in being caring etc, make sure he gets loads of fun times too over Christmas, to be silly etc and not 'responsible'.

I am sure you will be fine, you sound like a very caring and loving mum.

Christmaspug · 23/12/2019 05:27

You have 2 days to sort this out ,wrap the gifts as you usually would.today is a new day ,move on ,forget yesterday ,work on having a good Christmas,you won’t solve any behaviour problems this near to Christmas.you are a good parent ,you care ,if you didn’t you would not be asking for help on here .
I’m used to this behaviour,I have 2 with autism, pda and, adhd.so I’m used to moving swiftly on with life.(absolutely not saying yours have these diagnoses ,just saying I’m used to similar behaviour and it is possible to just move on and carry on with life )
These things happen, Christmas is a stressful time of year for everyone, as a child of divorced parents I can remember coming home and all the conflicting feelings.
Wrap the presents ,get ready for Christmas,hug your boys tightly in the morning.
If behaviour is very bad usually,make a plan to tackle it in the new year
Dr Ross green ,the explosive child is a good book to make a start with .good luck .merry Christmas 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

MintyMabel · 23/12/2019 08:18

You seem awfully uptight about gaming/TV.

diddl · 23/12/2019 08:41

You're not still angry with him I shouldn't think, but the behaviour.

Simple things that you choosing the boardgame might have helped, or have a default family activity for when it happens-a card game, reading together?

Tensions can run high & I think that anyone might find it hard to regularly sleep elsewhere, especially if there are different rules/expectations.

Fightingmycorner2019 · 23/12/2019 08:59

The very fact you are positing speaks volumes

My boys are same age , and we are mid
Split
Same issues ,same meltdowns

All that I think helps is fresh air and exercise , calm talking and letting them get it all out

You lost it , so be it . You are human too . Just apologise and have a calmer day

Xmas sucks sometimes

crosspelican · 23/12/2019 09:34

I love video games but the negative impact on mood and brain activity in children by games like fortnite is very well documented. You haven’t ruined Christmas and you’re not a bad Mum - your 10yo had a stressful and possibly unhappy time at his father’s, with no boundaries and no structure, then came home and got hyped up in a combat game that he shouldn’t be allowed on in the first place. What fortnite and that sort of game does to a child’s mood is worlds away from the more contemplative, constructive activity of Minecraft or Terraria. Who cares if “everyone” in his class plays? And they def. don’t - there are not 30 - 60 Fortnite players in y5 or Y6 at his school. Not in a billion years. My dd is always stunned when I point out the holes in this kind of argument!

Phase out the game. Max 40 mins a day EVER. Replace with other constructive or problem-solving games (minecraft, Terraria, Unravel). The board game was a great idea - stock up on those. I bet that in his heart he would WAY rather play a game with his Mum anyway - my Xbox-loving 10yo did would definitely rather play Unstable Unicorns or Scrabble with me.

Today will be great. Keep him off screens & spend time engaging with him face to face - it sounds like he gets very little of that from his Dad.

Original poster

Adamshands · 23/12/2019 09:52

Well they both got in my bed in the middle of the night, which isn't unheard of but obviously does suggest they are unsettled still. Their unwrapped presents were piled up by the bed so they left with pillows on their heads after a cuddle and chat this morning, so that was funny

His presents to me aren't broken and tbf I knew what they were as he'd done a rubbish job of hiding them! He wasn't on Fortnite but Roblox but, yes, too much isn't great for him i know.

I'm going to make sure today is relaxed but with lots of fresh air at NT place. Thanks for the replies, it really does help when dealing with stuff alone.

OP posts:

Foghead · 23/12/2019 10:01

That’s a lovely update.

Often, children can’t deal with too much stimulation so cutting down (or even out) on the gaming makes a huge difference. As well as going out for fresh air. Even in the garden, if you have one makes a difference.
I have to get my dcs out every day and limit their gaming because they get over emotional and sometimes aggressive.
Just stick to your guns and explain to them why you have certain rules.

Have a lovely day and Christmas.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 23/12/2019 10:45

Glad to hear that, OP. Have a lovely Xmas with your loved ones.

Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2019 10:52

Greenmarmalade · 23/12/2019 10:56

Lovely update!!

Janicejaniceahmfallin · 23/12/2019 11:27

That's such a sweet update. You sound like a lovely mum, OP, but you're allowed to have a 'moment' from time to time. Everyone does, and there's no such thing as a perfect parent (no matter how much some of the posters on here would have you believe that butter wouldn't fucking melt ... ).

You're all struggling a bit with a difficult situation, but it sounds like your boys love you very much. Hope you have a fun day and a great Christmas

crosstalk · 23/12/2019 14:18

Have a really good Christmas, the three of you. Hope the NT place was good. You've done well to retrieve it.

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