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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think Christmas can't be salvaged and I'm a shit mum?

72 replies

Adamshands · 22/12/2019 22:09

DC, aged 10 & 12 came back from their dad’s today and will be with me until Boxing Day. Obviously, I had taken advantage of the couple of days they were away to get last minute things sorted for Christmas and was really looking forward to them coming back. They got back at 3 and ds2 wanted to get online as he had been in the middle of playing with his school friends and had to leave. Against my better judgement I allowed it – I do feel they get a shit deal sometimes having to move from one house to another (they are mainly with me, but both have commented that even 1-2 nights a week elsewhere can be awkward) and I took the chance to have a one-to-one chat with ds1.

Ds2 ended up being online a lot longer than I wanted but after tea I said let’s play a boardgame. Both agreed but then couldn’t agree on one. The evening was fats going downhill tbh and during the game ds2 ended up watching tv. Ok, not ideal but I thought tomorrow will be a fresh start. Then it got to be bedtime – later than usual but still. Then out of nowhere, I honestly don’t know what started it, ds2 started a massive screaming tantrum. He didn’t want to go to bed, he hates me, himself, his brother, we hate him. It carried on for so long I ended up getting angry with him – he was screaming, wouldn’t go upstairs …

His brother was trying to calm him down – it was awful. At one point I said ‘if you don’t go up now I’m not doing Christmas – I still have a lot to do and if you’re not going to bed I can’t do it ever.’ At that point he went and got the presents he had got me (with ds1 trying to stop him) and came down and threw them at me. I told him he could go in my room and take his presents if he wants as I won’t be wrapping them and I’m done with it. I even tried to drag him in there, though I let go when he resisted.

Ds1 was upset, ds2 was dancing around laughing as if trying to be as obnoxious as possible. I’ve come down and I’m shaking. I’m so upset at myself for not staying calmer but I just don’t know why he’s being like this.

I just feel like a massive failure – ds1 is acting more like an adult with responsibility to solve everything and shouldn’t have to be, and ds2 is like some kind of hell child. They’re going to end up hating each other and me and I don’t know what to do about it.

OP posts:

Creepster · 22/12/2019 23:04

Never threaten children unless you intend to carry through.

It teaches them not to trust you.

MsJaneAusten · 22/12/2019 23:05

Wow. You’re a charmer @deboishmum

School holidays?

To think Christmas can't be salvaged and I'm a shit mum?

ReanimatedSGB · 22/12/2019 23:08

Give them a hug, put it behind you, give all of you some slack. And don't get into a tizzy about 'screen time', either - the obsession with restricting computer games to 'less than you want, no matter what' is what makes for a lot of avoidable arguments. Tomorrow is another day. You love them and they love you and it will all be OK.

stupidtabloidheadlines · 22/12/2019 23:22

One of my sons really suffered at 10-12 with weird moods. I think hormones are raging for young men at this age.

HowDoYouLikeThoseSuedeApples · 22/12/2019 23:26

I agree with MsAusten. have a brew and review tonight. Good on him for apologising. Fresh start in the morning. They do say that children ‘melt down’ where they feel safest - it’s a sort of backhanded compliment -although it feels anything but that at the time.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/12/2019 23:27

Gosh I wouldn’t punish anyone. Tensions are running high at the moment and the kids are clearly exhausted. It’s not you and christmas isn’t ruined. The best thing you can do is teach your kids to be kind to themselves. Big hugs and positive attitude. Don’t get caught up in this feeling of doom. It will become a self fulfilling prophecy as your ds will sense your tension, feed on it and kick off. Always start a new day fresh.

CrowBones · 22/12/2019 23:31

We all feel like shit parents sometimes (often?). Deep breaths, remember you love each other and enjoy Christmas

Baconmaker · 22/12/2019 23:32

You're not a shit mum. Christmas can be lovely but it's also stressful for kids to be out of their normal routine. Lots of kids are more emotional at this time of year - DS2 was probably bottling everything up at his dads and let it all come exploding out when he was back with you and feeling safe.

Let him calm down and talk calmly with him tomorrow. You can apologise for not staying calm yourself, explain that you get stressed too and you didn't mean what you said. Try to unpick with him what happened and how he could calm himself down in future.

I would try to have a low key day tomorrow - don't put too much pressure on it - maybe a film altogether?

Twistables · 22/12/2019 23:32

I had similar with kids yesterday. And then they had a great time today and all is well.

PickAChew · 22/12/2019 23:32

If they called early, it's likely there was some tension there.

If you were a crap mum, they wouldn't have called early

Hopefully Ds2 feels better for some sleep and a reset.

Baconmaker · 22/12/2019 23:32

This is a brilliant response.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 22/12/2019 23:35

Sounds like they had a great deal of bottled up stress and this is how it came out. It's not your fault. They took their stress out on you as children do. My children are autistic and we've had countless battles and meltdowns that felt like the end of the world but you just have to keep pushing on. Put a no nonsense cheerful face on and just keep going. You can and will do Christmas and it will be great.

Tbh I think you sound as though you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. So what if they watch a bit of TV or have a bit longer screen time than usual? It's not the end of the world.

Pepperama · 22/12/2019 23:39

Usually the next day is a whole lot better here, as long as I manage to let go of my own anger. The kids usually have a complete reset button and hardly even remember they blew up

fligglepige · 22/12/2019 23:42

Oh bless them. I wouldn't be annoyed with DS2 for the impact on DS1. You're the adult OP and it's up to you to make sure they both have a childhood. Your behaviour sounds a bit like you lost control - is your mental health alright or is it just Christmas? If this continues it might be worth speaking to the GP, it's just that I know myself irritability is always the first sign when my depression is bad.

BonnyConnie · 22/12/2019 23:42

I have a child who gets like this after tv (lots obviously). Down to the hysterical laugh prancing. I know it can be very frustrating. Honestly, just say in the morning that you love him and will always forgive him and that you hope he feels the same and then don’t mention it ever again. Go out to your NT place, ideally take a long walk and make sure you’re all happy. It’ll be fine.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 22/12/2019 23:45

I’m sure that’ll help, deboishmum.

ICouldHaveTinsillitis · 22/12/2019 23:47

OP, when you have kids, the days are long but the years are short.

You have to be the adult here - show you can apologise. Admit you were stressed. It's OK to blow a fuse sometimes. It's how you handle it afterwards that matters.

Maybe make a game out of all of you 'pressing the reset button' tomorrow (good idea from a PP). Have a big hug together.

Being a single parent is a tough gig - you're doing just fine!!!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 22/12/2019 23:47

You’re not shit mother at all, op.
All that acting like Mr Tumble no matter how they behave is not real life.

NaviSprite · 22/12/2019 23:51

I've no advice to offer that hasn't already been put so much better by PP's, but I just wanted to add another agreement that you are not a shit Mum, you actually sound extremely loving because you have already recognised what went wrong and are worried about the impact it will have on your DC.

None of us are perfect and it sounds a rough situation, I hope you have a lovely outing tomorrow.

IncrediblySadToo · 22/12/2019 23:54

Why are you angry with him?

He was clearly having a crap time with his Dad.

Like a lot of kids he probably wishes his parents were together at Christmas and that his Dad wasn’t an arse, but the sort of Dad kids want

He’s sad & hurting. - not helped by screen time (most of us are nicer to be around the less time we spend on screens)

He’s TEN. Prepubescent child. He didn’t ask for this set up!

I don’t understand why you were shouting at him to go upstairs when he was clearly already in a bit of a state.

At 10, especially when upset, he probably can’t articulate what’s wrong, it just ALL feels horrible 😢

You need to hear him not punish him!

For some family outside activity, look into geocaching as well.

You’ve plenty of time to pull this around, if you can let it go and treat him like the young 10 yo he is!

Hope you have a nice Christmas 🎄 🎁

EKGEMS · 22/12/2019 23:56

Oh for heaven sakes Incrediblysad those of us here in the real world are fallible and are imperfect. Enough with the judgement and sanctimony.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 22/12/2019 23:56

“Why are you angry with him.”

Try because he was screaming and throwing toys

Greenmarmalade · 22/12/2019 23:56

My daughter gets just like this when she has too much screentime. Exactly the same.

She also gets this way when it’s Christmas or there’s something big happening. Today she called me a few choice swear words and yelled in my face. I have to remind myself it’s not personal and to stay calm as much as possible, even if I walk away and deal with it later.

Christmas isn’t ruined. Your other son will also come through this late unscathed. You’re doing a great job, because you really do care.

mumwon · 22/12/2019 23:58

@deboishmum not only are you out of order - you really need to check your spelling

selmabear · 23/12/2019 00:00

You said they went to bed later than usual, could ds2 be overtired hence why is had a meltdown? It's also Christmas and kids get really overwhelmed with excitement and all the goings on. My 2 DC were a nightmare yesterday. They had a busy day, they were tired and they did nothing, and I mean nothing, but cry, whinge, complain and just be a pain in my arse all day! I wanted to cry by bedtime. You're not a shit mum. They'll wake up tomorrow and it will be like it never happened. But maybe have a conversation about the chucking presents at you, that was bang out of order OP. Have a good nights sleep OP

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