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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s over between my & DP but...

58 replies

Oksunny · 22/12/2019 21:36

I can’t leave him. Because...

We have 2 young children & have to think of the impact on them.

We have saved 20k for a deposit on a home

I don’t want to be a single mum

Financially it would be hard on my own

I know I am only staying for very practical reasons, I don’t love him anymore. I think he still loves me. I’m putting a good face on, I’m not horrible to him or anything, we just co-parent, Co-exist in the same house, there has to be more to life?

But I can’t leave, how can I?

OP posts:
AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 22/12/2019 21:37

You aren’t happy though so that trumps all of that. It won’t be easy but it is necessary.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2019 21:39

You can. The thing that’s worse than having divorced parents is having parents who are unhappy and not providing positive healthy role models of loving relationships. Children know.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 22/12/2019 21:40

So you’re just going throw the motions and going to settle for a half life? Do you seriously think your children won’t eventually pick up on your unhappiness? You WILL eventually break up, if you’re unhappy and it will be much harder for the whole family further down the line when you’re fighting over who owns what and who has the right to live in the house and the children could be moody teenagers. If you genuinely think your relationship is dead, please be kind to your partner and children and end it now.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 22/12/2019 21:41

*hoing through

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 22/12/2019 21:41

*going Blush

Original poster
Oksunny · 22/12/2019 21:43

I thought it could be salvaged, but he doesn’t take on any of the mental load. I have to remind him to do things/give step by step instructions like his a teenager & it’s just such a turn off and frustrating.

I have felt myself drifting further & further until there’s absolutely no feelings left at all, no hate, no love just nothing.

We don’t argue, the kids are to young to understand (at the moment.) But I have no doubt even if they don’t see arguing growing up they will see us living a life out of pure convenience & that’s not want I want for them.

OP posts:
Dazedandconfused10 · 22/12/2019 21:44

Children know when their parents don't want to be together. We were all late teens when ours finally split after 'staying together for the kids' and we all responded with finally! Now we can all be happy.

BertieBotts · 22/12/2019 21:44

Relationship counselling to see if there's any way through perhaps?

Lifeisabeach09 · 22/12/2019 21:44

I say this all the time but I truly believe it is easier on the children to break up whilst they are young. Being raised in two households will become their norm.
You'd be a fool to buy a house with someone you don't want to be with. End the relationship and split the savings.

Original poster
Oksunny · 22/12/2019 21:45

I have day dreams about him cheating so I have an easy way out 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
PlasticPatty · 22/12/2019 21:48

Yes, I waited until my then h cheated.
If you are going to do that, at least get your act together, ducks in a row, for the single life to follow.
You're not married? Can you ensure you get your fair share of the savings?

Original poster
Oksunny · 22/12/2019 21:48

I know you’re all right, but it’s so much easier said than done. I will be the bad one here. He technically hasn’t done anything ‘wrong’ or certainly not ‘unforgivable.’

So I’ll be seen as the bitch who broke his heart & our family up because I just wasn’t feeling it anymore. My own parents say I should give it a few years & see how it is when the kids are older.

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 22/12/2019 21:49

Your children will pick up on your unhappiness. Also when I was teaching, come Parents Evening I could always tell who was papering over the cracks. People can't help themselves, it's body language, little facial expressions & passive aggressive comments . It's called 'leakage'.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2019 21:51

I have day dreams about him cheating so I have an easy way out

Oh I have been there OP Flowers

Original poster
Oksunny · 22/12/2019 21:51

@PlasticPatty I don’t think his the cheating type, definitely isn’t the type to have women throw themselves at him & not the type to go seeking desperately for it either.

Savings are all in my name, his terrible with anything like this. I would obviously give him half though.

OP posts:
PlasticPatty · 22/12/2019 21:52

Meanwhile, your life passes by, you aren't getting yourself established in the lifestyle you want etc.
I meant to say before, if you aren't feeling it, he probably isn't either. Be ready because if he finds a woman who can offer him fun, sex and a roof over his head, he'll be gone in a moment. He won't be waiting around to make things better for the children.

PlasticPatty · 22/12/2019 21:53

That was a cross-post. You know him, I don't. But I do read 'Relationships' quite often!

Original poster
Oksunny · 22/12/2019 21:54

@PlasticPatty

Be ready because if he finds a woman who can offer him fun, sex and a roof over his head, he'll be gone in a moment.

Wishful thinking.

OP posts:
Andysbestadventure · 22/12/2019 21:54

OP, you have one life.

Live the one you want the most.

squee123 · 22/12/2019 21:54

I think you should invest in some relationship counselling. It may be that it helps you reconnect and remember why you fell in love, or it might make you both realise it isn't working and help you split amicably. Win win.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 22/12/2019 21:55

My own parents say I should give it a few years & see how it is when the kids are older.

Crap advice, for the reasons others have given. If you're certain you can't recover any feelings for him, then get on with it, rip the plaster off. Young children generally get used to a new normal quickly, although they may be unsettled initially. You can be certain that a bloke would not be given the same advice of waiting for a few years, they aren't brought up to put their feelings last.

madcatladyforever · 22/12/2019 21:56

I really do get it OP. It really is the kiss of death when men don't take on any of the mental load, that's really why I divorced both husbands, it's unbearable living with someone who doesn't get that they are an adult and need to parent their children and look after their home.
I don't have one ounce of respect for men like that. Dasly most of them think going out to work is enough. It isn't.
If you're not ready to leave yet get some savings together, plan a career, make sure you have all the paperwork you need.

underneaththeash · 22/12/2019 21:56

If you have young children it's worth trying to resolve things though?

Counselling may work...it's difficult when you do have young children and I was definitely less fond of my husband when we had a young children. Sleep deprivation also makes you both less amiable.

Original poster
Oksunny · 22/12/2019 21:56

I know I sound horrible... I’m not enjoying this. But he has let me down. There’s nothing I wanted more than to have children with this man & build a life. But as we’ve grown up, we’ve grown apart & I feel like his trailing behind.

OP posts:
BB8sAntenna · 22/12/2019 21:59

I totally get where you are coming from. I’m in a similar situation. My DH and I get on well and we co parent well but I carry all the mental load. I wish I was able to leave but I can’t afford to at this point.

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