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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s over between my & DP but...

58 replies

Oksunny · 22/12/2019 21:36

I can’t leave him. Because...

We have 2 young children & have to think of the impact on them.

We have saved 20k for a deposit on a home

I don’t want to be a single mum

Financially it would be hard on my own

I know I am only staying for very practical reasons, I don’t love him anymore. I think he still loves me. I’m putting a good face on, I’m not horrible to him or anything, we just co-parent, Co-exist in the same house, there has to be more to life?

But I can’t leave, how can I?

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 22/12/2019 22:00

Don't give him half the savings unless the court orders you to because you will be raising those kids on your own and I suspect he will just piss his half away. You will need that money to raise your children.

Original poster
Oksunny · 22/12/2019 22:01

@madcatladyforever thank you for your post. You’ve made me feel like less of an arse hole 😂 It really is exhausting doing/thinking of everyone & everything with no support. I expect it of my children, they’re children as a parent it’s what you do & it’s never resented. But with him... I just think, come on... you’re an adult too. Help me out.

He really does think going to work & coming home and holding the baby because he has to is doing his part.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oksunny · 22/12/2019 22:04

Feel so bad on the kids. But my experience with step parents was shit so maybe tainting my view a bit.

It’s so silly but you just think you’ll be with them forever when you have children don’t you? Mum & dad popping round, been together 50 years still love each other type thing. Just a fantasy for so many people really.

OP posts:
Christmaspug · 22/12/2019 22:06

I’m sure I’m going against the majority here ,but anyway
I’ve been together with my dh for 27 years ,we have 4 dc
There have been a couple of times I’ve thought I need to end it ,and yet I didn’t for the reasons you state ..we had relate counselling together,then recently I had counselling alone .
I’m glad I didn’t end it ..over the years I did fall in and out of love with him..a lot of it related to stress and pressure of family life .
But I’m glad be worked at it for the children and for us ,we are both looking forward to an empty nest and time together alone again...
Obviously it’s your call what you choose to do ,there’s no rush to do anything soon ,take time to think x

Original poster
Oksunny · 22/12/2019 22:10

@christmaspug thank you Smile that’s given me hope actually. Just need to convince him to go to counselling now 🙄

OP posts:
TheTrollFairy · 22/12/2019 22:15

If you don’t want to leave him, have you tried sorting the issues? I don’t mean this to be flippant but when you have young kids it’s easy to plod along in life and forget that relationships take work.
Could you not start ‘dating’ again? Even a day out with no kids to do something every couple of weeks? Get a babysitter and go to dinner. Do things you did before you had the kids.

If not, then you need to leave. Forever is a long time to be unhappy and you’ll end up resenting eachother

Christmaspug · 22/12/2019 22:16

Good luck sunny x 💐💐

Smileyaxolotl1 · 22/12/2019 22:16

Not an expert and tbh I am a bit judgemental about people who split up when they have youngish children when there is no serious reason such as infidelity but one thing I would say is that you need to be convinced you have done everything you can to save the marriage. So get counselling, have a trial separation, have a second honeymoon, give him ultimatums. Whatever it takes. And then if you decide to divorce you can feel at peace with yourself and your kids that you did everything you could but it just couldn’t be saved.

Creepster · 22/12/2019 22:20

Children learn what they live. He taught you and he will teach the children that he does not care about you.
Sometimes we have to be the bad guy for our own sake and that of our children.

Christmaspug · 22/12/2019 22:24

It is easy to get bogged down with family life and all the demands placed on you as a mum .its easy to feel resentful that your dh is not doing their share ,or the I’m more tired than you game ,stops you both supporting each other .
Resentment can fester and chip away at love till it’s gone .
Communication and time as a couple alone can help.

category12 · 22/12/2019 22:33

Life is short OP. You only get one shot at it.

AwakeAmbs · 22/12/2019 22:35

I’m in a similar situation except we are living together and I am dependent on him financially and am home schooling. I’m miserable, there is no sex, no intimacy. It’s like he is my brother or mate. His mum has interfered and it’s ruined our relationship. I am not sure I can pretend much longer

Rosieposy4 · 22/12/2019 22:36

Have you done everything you can to salvage the relationship?
Just to add a counter argument to those who say parental happiness trumps everything
I teach at secondary, the vast majority ( if not all) of our difficult and troubled kids come from divorced households, these are the kids who at best forget their book, haven’t done their homework ( it’s always at the other parents- think how difficult it is to keep on top of shit, then multiply that by living in 2 houses). And as a child of divorced parents it didn’t remove the strife, just amplified it.

Iturnedmyfaceaway · 22/12/2019 22:36

Counselling sounds like the logical step.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 22/12/2019 22:46

rosie / OP
While, as a teacher, I would concur with what Rosie said that the vast majority of children with poor behaviour come from single parent households most of them only see one parent. it is also true that there are plenty of children from divorced households who do just fine.

rp30 · 22/12/2019 22:53

I think you should stay and work on it. He may not be oulling his weight, but if you split, you will be alone anyway.

If he realised the gravity of the situation perhaps, with your guidance, he could learn to become more involved.

Love51 · 22/12/2019 23:12

It sounds like you are not quite sure. So it might be time to make a plan. If the plan doesn't help, you can leave, it won't be a shock, and you won't feel guilty because you gave him every chance. If the plan does work, he ups his game and you stay married, but communicate better.
My version would look something like this, but obviously edit it to suit you!
Explain to him you have some things that are making you unhappy, you need to have a conversation, set a date and time (if children sleep reliably, when they are in bed. Breakfast date while they are in childcare. Coffee shop while a relative holds the fort as it is Christmas!)

  • heart to heart
  • brainstorm solutions together
  • set clear actions
Eg he does bedtimes Tuesdays and Fridays. You both have a date together every fortnight. If your kids are still in nursery, book a day off together once a month til March, then every other month. If not possible you may have to use a babysitter.

Set a date in your head for improvement and know what you want to see by then. eg by march I want to be able to relax with him/ enjoy each others company / have regular good sex / plan a holiday.
Staying doesn't have to be permanent. Use some time to make sure you are sure. If nothing feels better by spring, then you can separate with impunity.

Love51 · 22/12/2019 23:14

I forgot to put counselling on my plan. I've used that many years ago, it helped us to communicate better. We have a very happy marriage now! I've also heard it can help people to separate better.

PlasticPatty · 22/12/2019 23:17

Single parent = poor behaviour in the child? Bollocks.
I was a single parent from my dd being four years old. She was beautifully behaved then, and she still is today.

ReanimatedSGB · 22/12/2019 23:21

Firstly, it's fine to dump a man who isn't making you happy. He doesn't have to be violent, obnoxious or a drug dealer or whatever for it to be 'bad enough' to get rid. If you just think your life would be better without him, that's enough.
Secondly, if you're bored and unhappy now, with a man who just isn't interested in doing anything like his fair share of the domestic work and childcare, it's going to get worse rather than better. He might be one of those who really can't be bothered to move on as long as he's got food cooked for him, clean clothes and a comfortable home, even if he considers the woman who provides all these things to be just part of the furniture. But you will get more and more resentful and, ultimately, so will he. Service will be unsatisfactory and (unless he's really unappealing) some other woman will tempt him away - good riddance andall that, but better to move on when you want to.

eaglejulesk · 22/12/2019 23:21

Another vote for counselling, and whatever way it goes from there at least you've given it your best shot. If you asked some of the older generation who've been married for decades I bet you they will tell you they've been through times when they have wanted to leave. I don't believe people should stay in an unhappy relationship simply because they have children, but I also believe a relationship needs time and work. Good luck.

BlingLoving · 22/12/2019 23:25

Theres that viral post from a few years ago written by a man titled something like, "my wife left me because i left dishes in the sink".

It summarises this shit. My dh is actually fabulous and pulls his weight usually but at the moment is definitely not at his best and things that are usually minor are more extreme. As a result, I found myself hissing at a friend that I am seriously contemplating divorce after I had to cook "our" contributions for a family event, remember then wrap all the presents, plan a different walk schedule for the dog due to said event (and, obviously, take the dog on said walk), get kids ready, realise there was no clean underwear for any members of family for tomorrow if washing wasnt done then, of course, put a load on. Meanwhile he met one client for a 1 hour session, took an HOUR to get home after and just about managed to get dd's hair brushed.

If this sort of behaviour over a period of one week can drive me to want to kill him, I dont know how those of you deal with this constantly cope.

eaglejulesk · 22/12/2019 23:26

Don't give him half the savings unless the court orders you to because you will be raising those kids on your own and I suspect he will just piss his half away. You will need that money to raise your children.

Wow, just wow!!

ReanimatedSGB · 22/12/2019 23:37

Also 'working on' a relationship is something that is only expected of women. If a man isn't violent and is willing to contribute financially, the fact that he is boring, lazy or sexually inept is just the way life is because women's destiny is to service a man. Men often consider themselves as human and their lives as important, while they think of the 'wife and kids' as props which support their image as a Happily Married Normal Man.

Homebird8 · 22/12/2019 23:46

Does he even see all the work that is necessary in a home? Does he know how long it takes to do things? Which things are his responsibility?