To think it’s over between my & DP but...

[Oksunny]

I can’t leave him. Because...

We have 2 young children & have to think of the impact on them.

We have saved 20k for a deposit on a home

I don’t want to be a single mum

Financially it would be hard on my own

I know I am only staying for very practical reasons, I don’t love him anymore. I think he still loves me. I’m putting a good face on, I’m not horrible to him or anything, we just co-parent, Co-exist in the same house, there has to be more to life?

But I can’t leave, how can I?

Do you still love him ? Find him attractive?

I teach at secondary, the vast majority ( if not all) of our difficult and troubled kids come from divorced households

FFS. How is this helpful? It’s utter bollox for one thing and really doesn’t help someone who fears being a single parent. The OP won’t be the only one reading this who perhaps fears leaving a relationship - some may well be people experiencing abuse. Don’t scaremonger unnecessarily.

Yes, OP, some troubled children come from divorced households. Some don’t. Some come from households where there are no indicators of problems whatsoever. In a class I currently teach, the two most troubled children have 2 parents together, and both have mothers in senior positions in schools. Speaks volumes for the teaching profession, I guess!

I would do everything possible to ensure that the marriage is over - counselling is an excellent suggestion but you need to enter it with an open mind. If your marriage ends, you know you did everything you could. Single-parenting is tough but it won’t necessarily be forever and if you are sensible and put your children at the heart of everything you do, you won’t go far wrong.

I know plenty of couples who are like you. Have decided to stick together because of the life they can give the kids. I was one of them too..
I don't regret it. Stuck it out while they were young, didn't want them shuttling.netwern houses and having to divide their time.

It worked fine . When youngest was 14 I made the decision to split. All very amicable and by that time we had enough equity/savings for two homes and the kids could divide their time between us as they wished. Could also get themselves there and back.

Can only work if you can happily co exist. Will never work if you argue and are resentful.

You and your partner both deserve more than this. He deserves the chance to find someone who does love him and you sound very unhappy.

You should leave him and hopefully both of you will be happier in the long run.

Oksunny I am sorry this is so tough. In your shoes I would run through a few scenarios in your head. See how these sit with you. Him going his own way, meeting someone new, perhaps setting up home elsewhere, more kids with someone else.

Does this make you feel any jealousy or sadness or just relief?

Can you imagine your dh managing some of the things you need him to manage and if he did, could feel the feelings you once had for him?

I personally do not think anyone has any obligation to stay married but I do think that being a single parent can be hard and if you both did genuinely love each other you may be able to get this back.

DH and I had a tough first year, we didn't get on as well as I had hoped and attended a course called the Marriage Course at our local church.

It's run by churches usually but is not particularity religious themarriagecourses.org/

I cried a fair bit during that course, I felt quite stressed and having come to marriage later in life I was really struggling with being a part of a couple.

Anyway, that's now all in the past! DH and I learned to love each other more, we managed to communicate to each other how we felt and we both managed to prioritize changing, to some degree, and later had kids. I can now honestly say my love for him has grown and grown.

The bits that gave me hope when things went badly were, I did genuinely find him attractive, we had lots of good basic things in common, we were quite different people (personality wise) but over time this became less of an issue.

It may help you to work out what exactly you find hard, what thinking is he requiring you to do that you want him to do? Is your sense of dissatisfaction about being at home with small kids? Would you feel more fulfilled and happier if you had a part-time job (or a full time one) or do you already ... and feel pressurized?

Do you have friends and night's out?

I think it is tempting to think if dh were different everything would be, but it may not be the case.

If he were abusive etc I would be one of the first saying 'go' but if he is not and there was genuine love and affection in your relationship before kids I would not personally bail out of that relationship until I knew it really was for my best, irrespective of the kids!

I kind of feel if you are OK, the kids will be OK.

I think you need to work out what works best for you and pursue that with all your heart.

I was where you are OP. I wished he'd have an affair too. I just didnt love him anymore and every tiny thing irritated me. I was much happier and more at peace when it was just me and the DCs. I was tense, miserable and snappy when he was home. I left it for years. It never got better. Only when I voiced my (very obvious) unhappiness did he suddenly decide he woukd do anything to save it. Too little too late. I was utterly fed up of my partner being a 3rd child. After the split he even admitted he became like my child.

I am so much happier now and haven't regretted it for a second.