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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my £100 back from good friend but feel awkward asking after so long.

60 replies

Proudownerofplants · 22/12/2019 20:45

I lent a very dear friend some money about 3 years ago when she was experiencing serious problems financially, no fault of her own. Not a huge amount and I did say 'pay it back when you can'. But I meant 'when you can', not 'when it is most convenient' as I am not loaded.

She is now thankfully more on her feet, a SAHP to a small DS and living with her fiance who has a fairly good job (she was single when I lent her the cash).

So I feel as though she is through the really tough patch and could pay me back, even in installments. I asked maybe 18 months ago as she was working then and she said she was still unable to pay anything.

I know she still has debt from the tough patch but an arrangement is in place also she has spent a lot on christmas presents so she has access to reasonable funds. I also understand she has a lot on with DS so my 100 quid won't be at the forefront!

Mainly I feel I am being mean and petty because it isnt a massive sum. If it was say, £1000, I would have had to push sooner but have been able to let it go so far.

I am so happy she is in a better position now and feel awkward asking again now she has the baby and still has debts. Should I forget it or ask again? Obviously I wouldn't ask until after Christmas, not sure why I'm even thinking of it now!

I could afford to write it off and would if she was struggling financially with a baby.

As it stands I would feel a bit put out that I helped in an emergency and there has been no effort to repay me, even after being reminded and now she is living pretty comfortably. Should I just feel glad I could help a friend when life was crap for her?

I have really bad anxiety and panic disorder so deciding what to do in this kind of situation makes me doubt myself a lot hence writing it out!

OP posts:
Original poster
Proudownerofplants · 22/12/2019 20:47

Long sorry! Short version: lent friend £100 3 years ago when she was having a v hard time. She's better off now but hasn't made any effort to pay back. Is it too late/ awkward to ask now she has a small baby?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 22/12/2019 20:53

If she is a very dear friend then I would write it off ... however ‘a very dear friend’ wouldn’t just ‘forget’ about a £100 loan.
What do you do when you meet up, do you go out for meals, is she paying her way for meals or treats out? Do you exchange gifts?
I think it is hard because you have ‘let it go’ for so long.
Can you have an honest conversation in that you say you have realised that she is having difficulty repaying the loan and does she want you to ‘write it off’ and see what she says?
I appreciate its difficult but make it a lesson learned, we have twice Blush lent over £1k to a friend/family member & it has never been repaid.

Pipandmum · 22/12/2019 20:56

Let it go. I'd have gifted that amount.

katy1213 · 22/12/2019 20:58

She is a massive CF. She should have paid this back before any inessentials like Christmas presents.
Don't ask; spell it out clearly that payment is long overdue. If she is spending anything on herself - wine/haircuts/clothes/nails/magazines/chocolate - then that should have gone to repaying a debt, even if in £20 instalments.
And if she's ever stuck again - let her whistle for it!

Original poster
Proudownerofplants · 22/12/2019 21:04

I am veering towards letting it go but I have always been the one to travel to see her a few times a year, (about 4 hours north) and have been generous with meals out and getting shopping in when I have visited (as she has had difficulties). I honestly don't begrudge any of this but just feel, as ragwort says, that I wouldn't have just ignored a loan from a friend.

It's worth a lot more than the money to see her back on her feet, not sure why it's niggling now!

Possibly come to think of it, it's because she was a bit forensic over a bill when I visited recently for Christmas.

OP posts:
misspiggy19 · 22/12/2019 21:05

If she was a decent friend she would have paid back the £100 already

M0nstermunch · 22/12/2019 21:08

£100 is a lot to write off, I would ask her again for it to be repaid even if it's in installments.

Original poster
Proudownerofplants · 22/12/2019 21:08

Katy I wouldn't lend her money again unless it was absolute dire straights. She does spend money on many of those things, albeit finding cheaper ways to do things such as haircuts and nails. Come to think of it, I know it has always been important to her to look presentable and quite glam but its not very considerate to me

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 22/12/2019 21:17

I would just say to her now you're very strapped for cash and you need it back. Like, right now, as soon as humanly possible.

You won't get it otherwise.

CoffeeAndCarbs · 22/12/2019 21:20

After so long I would begrudgingly write it off but that would be the last time she borrowed money from me. Once bitten, twice shy x

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 22/12/2019 21:20

I think you need to be upfront and say that you feel awkward asking, but you do need the money back that you lent her three years ago.

Could she please start repaying it in the New Year - installments of £10 would be fine.

Just be calm and explain that you need it (even if you're not desperate for it, it's still your money).

jalopy · 22/12/2019 21:21

Write it off.

CherryPlum · 22/12/2019 21:29

Write it off by now, it's been a long time and it's not a massive amount

Snowman123 · 22/12/2019 21:30

It sounds like she has absolutely no intention of repaying it. 3 years is ridiculous.

Either ask her when she can repay it, or write it off - and never ever lend her anything again.

virginpinkmartini · 22/12/2019 21:31

Don't ever give money away assuming you'll get it back. Assume its a gift always or don't give it away. If you get it back, then bonus. It's absolutely foolish to lend ANYONE money.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 22/12/2019 21:31

This isn't just about the money, is it? It sounds like the unpaid loan has just shown up other areas where she is unkind of inconsiderate to you.

I think that the friendship is in trouble anyway, so there isn't much to lose by asking for your money back. Her reaction will tell you a lot about how she feels about you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2019 21:32

If she was a good friend she’d have been grateful enough to offer instalments and you wouldn’t have had to ask last time. If it had miraculously slipped her mind you asking should have prompted to repay it all immediately.

I never understand the “write it off if she’s a good friend” approach, it’s the other way around, she’s taking the piss out of your kindness and friendship.

TokyoSushi · 22/12/2019 21:34

After so long I'd write it off but I certainly wouldn't lend her any money again.

LawnsLT · 22/12/2019 21:37

Don’t begrudge any of it lol!

Sounds like you do a bit 🤷‍♂️

Havaina · 22/12/2019 21:40

It's very easy for people here to tell you to write it off, it's not their money!

OP, ask for it back after Xmas by a certain date, and say you need it urgently.

And stop treating her so much, she sounds like a CF!

Cherrysoup · 22/12/2019 21:42

Ask for it back with some urgency.

If she can’t/won’t pay it back, then next time you’re out with her, she can pay and the next time and the next time until you’re quits.

IdleBet · 22/12/2019 21:42

In what ways is she a good friend?

You do all the travelling and she is nitpicking over a food or restaurant bill?

CSIblonde · 22/12/2019 21:46

She's not much of a friend tbh. Stuff like that annoys me, it's the principle. I'd just text her & say, hi, how are you. Any chance of repaying me that £100 I loaned you. Could really do with it at moment. Thx. If she ignores it she's no friend & I'd distance myself. .

Christmaspug · 22/12/2019 21:48

That’s awful,I would never treat a friend so badly as to not repay money lent to me ...a good friend would not treat someone as such she is you.
Ask for your money back ,although,I don’t think she has any intention of paying you back at all.and I suspect she will make you out to be unreasonable if you push it , and thus give her ( in her mind) justification to end the friendship,I say this because it’s all one way ,you give ,she takes ,I hope I’m wrong thou x

TheresWaldo · 22/12/2019 21:49

I wouldn't ask a few days before Xmas as it's been some years, but in the NY I would definitely get on the case.