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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my £100 back from good friend but feel awkward asking after so long.

60 replies

Proudownerofplants · 22/12/2019 20:45

I lent a very dear friend some money about 3 years ago when she was experiencing serious problems financially, no fault of her own. Not a huge amount and I did say 'pay it back when you can'. But I meant 'when you can', not 'when it is most convenient' as I am not loaded.

She is now thankfully more on her feet, a SAHP to a small DS and living with her fiance who has a fairly good job (she was single when I lent her the cash).

So I feel as though she is through the really tough patch and could pay me back, even in installments. I asked maybe 18 months ago as she was working then and she said she was still unable to pay anything.

I know she still has debt from the tough patch but an arrangement is in place also she has spent a lot on christmas presents so she has access to reasonable funds. I also understand she has a lot on with DS so my 100 quid won't be at the forefront!

Mainly I feel I am being mean and petty because it isnt a massive sum. If it was say, £1000, I would have had to push sooner but have been able to let it go so far.

I am so happy she is in a better position now and feel awkward asking again now she has the baby and still has debts. Should I forget it or ask again? Obviously I wouldn't ask until after Christmas, not sure why I'm even thinking of it now!

I could afford to write it off and would if she was struggling financially with a baby.

As it stands I would feel a bit put out that I helped in an emergency and there has been no effort to repay me, even after being reminded and now she is living pretty comfortably. Should I just feel glad I could help a friend when life was crap for her?

I have really bad anxiety and panic disorder so deciding what to do in this kind of situation makes me doubt myself a lot hence writing it out!

OP posts:
Branster · 22/12/2019 21:52

Although £100 is not an amount of money you’d simply throw away, given that it’s been 3 years, I’d say forget about ever getting it back and don’t bother asking for it back. Don’t ever lend her any more money.
I think you feel let down by her and the feeling would sour your relationship from your perspective but it’s actually really bad that she didn’t pay you back as soon as possible.
Life lesson: never lend friends any money. You either gift the money if you can afford it to help them out in a difficult situation or simply say you don’t lend money.
I used to end up buying birthday presents when I was in a particular work team years ago because I’m organised but I always ended up spending more than others because some people never paid their share of the contribution. I ended up unwillingly ‘gifting’ a lot of money over the years paying for various online orders upfront before getting money back from different sports clubs or PTAs when I was involved as a volunteer parent. I absolutely always end up spending a lot more than I envisage when going out with groups of friends because we split the bill and I don’t drink. I don’t mind the last one that much and the first two issues don’t apply to me anymore. I never lent money to anyone in my life but, nobody ever asked and I’d never dream of asking to borrow from friends or family.
Just forget the £100 look at it as a gift for a friend in need and continue your friendship if you really like her.

Taswama · 22/12/2019 21:52

My friend has bought tickets to the theatre and I’ve been feeling guilty that it’s taken me 2 weeks to pay her back for mine (£30)!

I would be tell her I need it back now - all of it - if she offers to pay in instalments you can accept that, but she obviously isn’t going to offer anytime soon.

Pinkyyy · 22/12/2019 22:07

After 3 years I wouldn't ask for it back, but I wouldn't forget it and to be honest I couldn't stay friends with someone willing to exploit my kindness.

Creepster · 22/12/2019 22:11

I have a rule that I never loan when I can afford to give.
I only broke that rule once by loaning several thousand in an emergency with the clear understanding that I had to have it back. They never paid it back even thought they could easily have done so.

CallMeRachel · 22/12/2019 22:17

She's not a friend. She's a thief.

I wouldn't ask for it back now, not after 3 years but I'd probably forget my purse next time I went for a meal and drinks with her Wink

Original poster
Proudownerofplants · 22/12/2019 22:23

Creepster that's terrible, can't believe someone would try and get away with that amount.

OP posts:
Original poster
Proudownerofplants · 22/12/2019 22:27

LawnsLT I didn't begrudge doing the travelling and spending more when she was experiencing hard times and it looks like it will just be me visiting for the foreseeable now because she has the baby. That's understandable but it wouldve been nice for her to make steps to repay me as a gesture as I know we both value the friendship. Not that I need thanking for being a friend but I feel I have been doing the heavy lifting for quite a long time now

OP posts:
CustomerCervixDepartment · 22/12/2019 22:55

What about her is a ‘dear friend’? She sounds shite. Any civilised person would feel mortified over taking money from a friend and pay it back as a matter of urgency, so you should feel zero anxiousness over needing your money back, inform her you will need your money back within the next month. No justifying yourself or filling in silences, and never give anyone money again.

Drum2018 · 22/12/2019 23:02

Just text her after Christmas and tell he you've had an unexpected expense (car trouble/need new radiator or boiler) and you desperately need the money paid back asap. If she says she doesn't have it tell her to borrow it elsewhere as you need yours back now. That's a lot to write off.

Creepster · 22/12/2019 23:07

The problem is that she does not value your friendship, else you would not be doing all the heavy lifting.

Sarcelle · 22/12/2019 23:08

She is a user. Her first priority as a dear friend would be to pay it back. You won't see that money. I wouldn't bother seeing her either. Some friend.

Anotheruser02 · 22/12/2019 23:20

I couldn't write off £100, 3 years ago I could have afforded to loan someone that though. Circumstances change. Ask her for it, her circumstances have changed or the better and you now need your money back.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/12/2019 23:32

She’s not a good friend. She sounds like a user. Sorry. I think I’d try and get the money back. That would be a hill to die on for me.

Sunflower20 · 22/12/2019 23:55

She's totally abusing your generous nature. Especially if she has been forensic with a recent bill like you said. I'd keep asking her for it, the woman has no shame.

ILearnedItFromABook · 23/12/2019 00:03

It doesn't matter how long it's been. She owes you money and will do until she's paid you back.

You were generous to help her out in her moment of need, and now she should have the decency to pay you back.

I'd ask until I got it back, and if she asks again, I'd hesitate to help again, considering how she's acted with this one.

PickAChew · 23/12/2019 00:07

She should be the one feeling awkward, not you.

Ellisandra · 23/12/2019 00:17

I wouldn’t start talking about instalments.

I’d wait until after Xmas and say “can you repay that £100? I’ve got an unexpected bill and I’m really strapped”.

Not that you need to lie, but I would - to keep it “friendly”, to gauge the response.

  • repaid, I might keep the friendship, but she’d be seriously downgraded in my mind
  • saying she can’t - I’d ask what she can send. If zero, write off the money but write off the friendship too. If you get some - as above to downgrading your friendship

She’s not a dear friend at all. She’s a pisstaker.

MyKingdomForBrie · 23/12/2019 00:21

What @DontDribbleOnTheCarpet said. I think you're burying your head a bit about the balance of this friendship, she is not treating you well.

Smelborp · 23/12/2019 00:24

You sound like a lovely friend. Her, not so much. She owes you a reasonable amount of money, you do the travelling and she’s getting forensic about a bill? Doesn’t sound like much of a friend.

sansou · 23/12/2019 00:26

If you're going to ask for it, ask for me now - don't wait until after Christmas. Most people will have just had their December pay and will be spending it now. They will be low on funds after Christmas.

Countryescape · 23/12/2019 00:28

Definitely ask for it back. That is so rude of her. Tell her you need it ASAP, no excuses. You need your money, just like she needed it 3 bloody years ago. I don’t believe she ever intended to pay you back.

Lilygrey77 · 23/12/2019 02:40

I'd leave asking for the money back but remember this!
If she's going to be a CF with meals out and piss take I'd either get shot or if u want to stay friends let her pay a few times. I guarantee you'll hear from her less if you do!

SourAndSnippy · 23/12/2019 03:50

I wouldn't angst about this. Just ask for it back. It's your money after all.

I'd ask her for it in the new year. So what if it's a little embarrassing. If she is actually a dear friend she will
Be glad that you have reminded her!

I

hazell42 · 23/12/2019 04:11

Let it go.
You did a nice thing to help a friend when she was in trouble.
Try to focus on that and feel pleased with yourself, rather than on the fact that you have not had it back
Money is only money, but a good friend is hard to find
If she ever repays it, think of it as a bonus and treat yourself to something with what you now can regard as windfall money
If she doesn't, shrug, let it go
But if she asks again, you will find yourself financially strapped atm and won't be able to oblige.

Eminado · 23/12/2019 04:18

“I wouldn’t start talking about instalments.

I’d wait until after Xmas and say “can you repay that £100? I’ve got an unexpected bill and I’m really strapped”.

Not that you need to lie, but I would - to keep it “friendly”, to gauge the response.

  • repaid, I might keep the friendship, but she’d be seriously downgraded in my mind
  • saying she can’t - I’d ask what she can send. If zero, write off the money but write off the friendship too. If you get some - as above to downgrading your friendship

She’s not a dear friend at all. She’s a pisstaker.”

Totally agree with this.
I wouldnt say id had an emergency i would just say i need it back immediately —and that i am disappointed i’ve had to chase you for it —

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