Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To want my £100 back from good friend but feel awkward asking after so long.

60 replies

Proudownerofplants · 22/12/2019 20:45

I lent a very dear friend some money about 3 years ago when she was experiencing serious problems financially, no fault of her own. Not a huge amount and I did say 'pay it back when you can'. But I meant 'when you can', not 'when it is most convenient' as I am not loaded.

She is now thankfully more on her feet, a SAHP to a small DS and living with her fiance who has a fairly good job (she was single when I lent her the cash).

So I feel as though she is through the really tough patch and could pay me back, even in installments. I asked maybe 18 months ago as she was working then and she said she was still unable to pay anything.

I know she still has debt from the tough patch but an arrangement is in place also she has spent a lot on christmas presents so she has access to reasonable funds. I also understand she has a lot on with DS so my 100 quid won't be at the forefront!

Mainly I feel I am being mean and petty because it isnt a massive sum. If it was say, £1000, I would have had to push sooner but have been able to let it go so far.

I am so happy she is in a better position now and feel awkward asking again now she has the baby and still has debts. Should I forget it or ask again? Obviously I wouldn't ask until after Christmas, not sure why I'm even thinking of it now!

I could afford to write it off and would if she was struggling financially with a baby.

As it stands I would feel a bit put out that I helped in an emergency and there has been no effort to repay me, even after being reminded and now she is living pretty comfortably. Should I just feel glad I could help a friend when life was crap for her?

I have really bad anxiety and panic disorder so deciding what to do in this kind of situation makes me doubt myself a lot hence writing it out!

OP posts:

thickwoollytights · 23/12/2019 04:42

She doesn't sound like a dear friend to me

I would write off the £100

But when it's time to visit again, I would say that I can't afford the petrol/travel costs or the meal out (as she was so forensic) and if she doesn't offer to pay then I wouldn't go to see her again until I'd 'recouped' my £100

Rogeroverandout · 23/12/2019 04:46

It's not just the money you need to write off its the friend. She isn't a good friend to you
She doesn't value your friendship.

Aridane · 23/12/2019 05:13

Try with @Ellisandra’s approach - polite and non confrontational

Chancey1982 · 23/12/2019 05:27

Urgh I did this. I got the money back and then he blocked me. Looking back he treated me poorly in general but he was a good laugh. It was a lot more than £100 and I avoid lending now.

Original poster

Proudownerofplants · 23/12/2019 08:27

Thanks everyone, a real split of 'write it off and see it as helping a friend' and some good suggestions re asking for it back.

On balance I think I will ask once more in the new year, as in Ellisandra's post. The reason being that my friend is very forthright in putting forward her own interests and would do the same. I know I am making her sound awful, she really isn't and is a great person to whom life has been pretty unkind at times but she definitely isn't a pushover.

I think I'd feel more annoyed about myself writing it off then having a residual niggle about money, than I would be anxious about asking again if that makes sense.

Sounds shitty but if I am also brutally honest, I am not mad on her partner (he's generally decent but quite obnoxious, showing off about his purchases, new bike etc) and I sort of feel in writing this off, the money is in their communal 'pot' if she doesn't pay it back rather than just hers. Which is irrelevant I suppose as it wasn't when I lent it and possibly not true as I don't know how their finances are split (none of my business).

Sorry for all the angsting, and thank you all.for your replies, it has really helped me 'think it out' and be more confident I wouldn't be doing the 'wrong thing' either way.

OP posts:

Timmythatyou · 23/12/2019 13:20

Let it go while you don’t need it. Maybe one day she, or someone else’s, will return the favour. And don’t lend people money! Give it if you can but if you can’t don’t loan it...
I’d write this off. No use falling out over money. In now someone who lost a friendship over £50 and bitterly regrets it.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 23/12/2019 14:35

I can understand why you'd write off a relatively small amount but agree with Eminado's assessment that she sounds like a pisstaker!

If she pays you back fair enough, but she doesn't sound like an equal friend to me, more someone who expects you to do most of the running. I prefer friends who make more of an effort (although I've had both types)!

bakedbeanzontoast · 25/12/2019 02:27

Write it off and her whilst you're at it.

Birdshitbridgegotme · 25/12/2019 02:58

Why not say to her you are going through a difficult time and could she repay you the £100. Say it's for a bill/food whatever.

dionysus19 · 25/12/2019 11:58

There are some people in the world who take loans never to pay them back. It's at the back of their priorities. That is why she has other debts. Thing is with credit cards you have to pay them off otherwise the companies take legal action but with friends and family it's different and they can always say that they don't have money. Speaking for better experience as I am a child of such person for whom cigarets were more important than household expenses and paying back others.

Flip

1 2 3