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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What is this need for people to be in contact with their OH when they are on a night out?

95 replies

Waveysnail · 22/12/2019 11:10

Just that really. When dh goes out. Off he goes, usually stays at a friends so he doesnt wake me or the kids and we see him around lunch time/dinner the next day. I dont expect to hear from him at all. And when I go out he is the same. Dont feel the need to text him or call him when he is out or I am out.

OP posts:

SimonJT · 22/12/2019 12:09

I don’t feel the need to contact, I just laugh at his hangover the next day.

My ex would constantly text me when I had nights out, it was to make sure I only got home after his bit on the side had left. Wanker.

Milquetoaster · 22/12/2019 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScreamingValalalalahLalalalah · 22/12/2019 12:15

I think it's a symptom of the wider addiction to mobile phones that many seem to suffer from.

The phone can't just stay in a handbag for essential use - no, it has to be out on the table and attended to like a sick child - because, woe betide the people you're out with not realising that you actually have dozens of more exciting and interesting people you could be out with, but you're making do with keeping in touch by phone, while you honour the dullards around you with your physical presence, if not your mental one.

Mammyloveswine · 22/12/2019 12:16

I usually send DH a sexy text if I'm out as like coming in to him after a night out

When he's out sometimes he'll text me saying to wait up and he'll be home soon..I might send him a cheeky pic to remind him what he's got at home!

It depends what I'm doing... a show etc he's unlikely to hear from me but drinks I usually will send a few texts, relieved I'm not on the pull

Mammyloveswine · 22/12/2019 12:17

Oh also I'll check the kids are ok..that's what early evening texts consist of!

Yerbumsootthewindae · 22/12/2019 12:19

We always text to say when we're expecting to be home ie getting the 11.30pm train/taxi at 1am etc so that we know the other is getting home ok, and know when to worry if not home. I do this with friends too ie the last person in the taxi has to text and say they're in their house.
We know two people who didn't make it home from nights out so maybe more paranoid than other folk, but it's good to know everyone is safe before hitting the hay.

Survivingchipandkippee · 22/12/2019 12:20

My hubby will text to see if kids in bed ok and perhaps when on way home in taxi. I on the other hand don’t text at all. I’m sorry if sounds selfish but I’m rarely out (5-6 times a year), so with kids and partner 360 evenings of year.

user1493413286 · 22/12/2019 12:23

If DH stays out then I like a message the next morning to know he’s ok because my mind runs away with me but I don’t expect anything while he’s out unless plans change from coming home to staying out. I usually switch my phone to silent and go to bed early so I’m a bit irritable if I get a late call

Inferiorbeing · 22/12/2019 12:28

I text him progress so "in bar and beyond now" "in popworld" "went to back to the pub in the village" just so he knows roughly where I am. It's not a lack of trust it's just so if something happens he can figure out my location. He hasn't gone out without me for years so I can't remember what he does?

yellowellies · 22/12/2019 12:28

I live near enough to the town centre to walk home, but in the opposite direction to some friends/colleagues, so I text when I’m setting off to walk home if I’m alone- it makes me feel more secure that someone sober knows where I am! If I’m walking with friends, or sharing a taxi I’m unlikely to text at all

Boppingbooper · 22/12/2019 12:31

For the last 18 years I have liked for my dh to keep in contact with me when he's out. Nothing much, just a text if it's late and he's not going to home when he has said he would be. Or if he's staying away with his friends in a hotel, which he does a few times a year, I like him to let me know he's back at the hotel safe.
For me though its not trust issues with cheating or other women or anything like that. It's literally because he has form for not keeping himself safe. He's an absolute idiot when it comes to drink and has no limits. I have lots count of the problems he's had on nights out. A&E trips because he's injured, got lost and can't find his way back, fallen asleep on the pavement/pub/outside somewhere and we can't find him. The nights out where hours are missing and no one knew where he went and he's come home covered in sick/drink/food and he doesn't know how.
The times he's called lost, then his mother my parents or I have had to go driving looking for him because its freezing and he doesn't know where he is and isn't capable of being a sensible bloody adult after a few drinks. It's been the biggest strain in our relationship and I've nearly left him many times over the drinking. When he's not drinking he's a wonderful man and thankfully he's has improved massively over the years but the fear is still there for me. He just can't make good choices after a few drinks. I hate needing the contact from him, I wish I didn't need to worry and wish that the other person in my relationship acted like a grown up when drinking but sadly that isn't the case.

He's not a nasty drunk, he's overly friendly and loving but seems to have no sense of anything dangerous when he's had a few drinks. For example, he went away last year and facetimed me at 2.30 in the morning walking around a city lost stumbling in traffic. He then forgot I was on the phone and put his phone in pocket. I could hear him fall down, be sick and passers-by asking if was okay. This went on for about 20 mins. I was 3 hours away with 3 kids in bed so there was nothing I could do. His phone went off so I had no idea until 7 the next morning if he was okay or not, if he had stayed on the pavement asleep in freezing temperatures or if he had made it back to his hotel or not. We almost spilt up when he came back.
I have many stories of nights out ruined by his drinking, big things like wedding (including our own) birthdays, group nights out with friends.

I'm not controlling or needy in any area of our relationship, we communicate well and as a grown man he does answer to me but the worry and fear mean I'm terrified something awful will happen one time and he'll end up seriously injured or dead. I'm not like it in any other area of my life and generally not a anxious person at all so I wish it was different but I can't change it only he can. He's trying but the year's of memories are still there for me.

SkaTastic · 22/12/2019 12:33

Me and my husband do tend to stay in contact through nights out. We drop each others texts about funny stuff and let each other know when we are due home. Both of us happy with it so it works for us.

Boppingbooper · 22/12/2019 12:33

That should say *as a grown man he doesn't answer to me

hopeishere · 22/12/2019 12:42

A colleagues husband phones her every day at lunchtime. They have the most banal conversation. She leaves our team meeting to speak to him. I find it very odd!

altiara · 22/12/2019 12:44

I don’t think knowing what time roughly the other person is coming home is unreasonable. If they’re not home within a hour (or two or three, whatever’s normal for them) of that time, something may have happened to them and I’d start worrying. Statistically, something may not have happened but there’s enough awful stuff that does happen and it happens to someone.
No problem with a text saying I’m crashing at friends place, see you in the morning.

Same for me, if I said I’d be back at 9pm and at midnight there’s been no word from me, I’d like to think DH would worry about what’s happened to me!

MintyMabel · 22/12/2019 12:57

He doesn't go out often but when he does I'll get the occasional text, then one saying he is on his way home.

He was mugged once in his way home so it has become habit for him to let me know when to expect him back.

AlexaAmbidextra · 22/12/2019 13:06

My kids are still little and DH might send a text asking if they went to bed OK

Oysterbabe. Serious question here. What’s the point of this? What would he do if you said no?

iswhois · 22/12/2019 13:09

I think it's good courtesy to let your partner know when you are headed home or if you are intending to stay out all night etc.

Perhaps you and your DH aren't all that close

SomewhereInbetween1 · 22/12/2019 13:10

OP heading up the cool wives club.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 22/12/2019 13:12

The year before I met dh I was raped. He helped me through some of the worst times of my life as a friend before becoming my husband. Whenever I'm out or he is, he texts me just to check that I'm still breathing. Whilst my mental health has improved dramatically, he's still terrified he'll come home one night and find me dead or dying/or that I'll go out and never come back.

DecemberSnow · 22/12/2019 13:13

Its not always a trust thing though.

Its a caring / genuine worry thing...

AlexaAmbidextra · 22/12/2019 13:16

OP heading up the cool wives club.

I don’t think OP is being a cool wife. To me, what she’s doing is normal. IMO the others who have to text constantly come across as needy and insecure.

MRex · 22/12/2019 13:22

DS is still a toddler, so there are usually a couple of messages every few hours to ask/say if he's sleeping or fussing. The one who's out might text the other one to say what they're drinking if it's anything special, or anything very interesting that happens or where they've moved on to, then a message later on to say what time they'll be home (roughly). DH also texts or calls when he's on the way home and has got forgotten which bus connections to take so he wants advice (or memorably once when he was so drunk he wanted to know where he was but couldn't see any street names). Probably 3-10 messages each way. I usually text when whoever I'm with is in the toilet / at the bar or as I arrive / leave, I expect DH does too, so it doesn't interfere with anyone else.

WatchingTheMoon · 22/12/2019 13:22

"I don’t think OP is being a cool wife. To me, what she’s doing is normal. IMO the others who have to text constantly come across as needy and insecure."

God, or maybe just some people like texting and others don't.

Why does it always have to be that one group are uptight/prudish/insecure/cool wife?

Why can't it just be that people have different preferences in a relationship?

Littleroundone · 22/12/2019 13:36

We don't really text or call, only if something happened that the other needed to be told about or some gossip that couldn't wait until we got home but that's about it. Maybe the odd photo on whatsapp of the night or whatever just because a nice photo has been taken or something funny has happened. I don't fee the need to talk to him or be in constant contact with him when i'm out as when he's out. A friend of mine constantly has her DH phoning or texting and it's pretty annoying tbh on the very rare occasion we are out with her. I think he is controlling it would seem to the rest of my circle that I regularly go out with as no one else's DH/DPs do this.

My DH are like this during the week as well at work. I have some work colleagues who are constantly on the phone to partners, kids etc.during the working day, usually speaking shite as well (can't help but hear open plan office)...get some bloody work done!

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