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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP gone awol after day/night out

77 replies

username272819 · 22/12/2019 05:08

So my DP went out at about 2pm with all his lad mates for a pub crawl.. He's spoke to me throughout the day so that's all fine. He messaged me at 1:30am saying he was at the pub round the corner from our house with all his mates and will be home soon. Said pub is genuinely 1 minute away. I was asleep when he messaged so didn't see it till 3:50am when I woke up and he still wasn't home. I rang him and he answered immediately which makes me think he had his phone in his hand and didn't mean to actually answer. It sounded like he was walking and I could hear people in the distance which sounded like girls being drunk loud IYKWIM?. He sounded all flustered and was talking really fast, he said "I'm going to be home really soon I'm right round the corner walking back from the pub, I'll be home in a minute, the pub had a lock in so was open till way later" so I said "oh okay well I'll stay on the phone to you until you're home then" He was then like "no it's okay I will be home really soon" he then hung up on me.. So immediately I'm thinking wtf, that was weird so I ring him back and it rings a few times and goes off. So I went and stood by the window and looked out for him since he should be walking on our road by now and he's no where to be seen.. This was at 4am.. I kept ringing him and he just kept cancelling the call and I messaged him a few times asking why he's being strange. He then replied to me by message but still ignoring my calls and said he was at his friends house (he put the name of his friend in the message) this person is someone I've never met but I know he exists because I've seen him on SM.. he also put that his phone was going to die.. I tried to ring him straight after and his phone immediately went to voicemail and my message didn't send to him. I don't believe his phone has died, I think he's turned it off.. but why?? I'm really confused, why did he say he was walking back from the pub and would be home really soon if he was at his friends house, I could hear girls in the background when I spoke on the phone to him but obviously I thought he was walking back from the pub but if he's at his mates house there's obviously girls there..
I'm just going a bit crazy here I dunno why I'm even writing this. Suppose I just needed to write it out and stop myself from messaging him when I know he's turned his phone off.. Aibu to be going this mental and to be thinking the worse?

OP posts:

BloodyDrasticInnit · 22/12/2019 08:50

It's not His mum and sisters.

He's saying it was his MATES mum and sisters. Which OP doesn't know from Adam. So can't verify with.

Stressedout10 · 22/12/2019 08:52

Sorry but he's cheated on you

ohwheniknow · 22/12/2019 09:07

I don't believe his phone has died, I think he's turned it off.. but why??

Because you were going berserk and harassing him! Most people trust their partners and respect their partners enough to be content for them to go out without having to constantly check in and then repeatedly phoning them.

You always expect him to stay in constant contact with you when he goes out? That's not normal, it's controlling.

You were massively out of order, but hey, it's ok because you've got a bunch of strangers online winding you up and encouraging you.

DrManhattan · 22/12/2019 09:16

How many of these threads are there now? Awful.
Hope you are ok. Kick his a$$

Straycatstrut · 22/12/2019 09:21

the pub had a lock in so was open till way later

Yeah it was strange the amount of pubs that did this every time my EX was in one too. I got exactly the same excuses..... I hope you're not with my ex!! He basically just wanted to be out and didn't care how I felt - I was exactly like you, up all night worrying etc. What a flipping waste of my time. He'd stumble in, right past me, not caring at all the worry I'd been through. Throw up. Sleep it off the next day. I was seething, it was like being kicked in the stomach every time.

We broke up after another all-nighter. He HAD been cheating also.

You don't have to put up with it OP. Honestly.

WorldEndingFire · 22/12/2019 09:22

@ohwhenIknow controlling is leaving your partner holding the baby as free child care while you get trolleyed and leaving them up all night to worry. It's not someone's god given right to go out on the piss like a 20 year old all night when they've just said they're going to the pub for a few drinks.

Tellingitlikeitisnt · 22/12/2019 09:23

How upsetting

Not a lot you can do now except wait for him to sleep it off and then talk
His behaviour then will give you some idea of whether he’s lying I suspect

Horrible for you though to be anxious and worried and him putting the phone down, turbo it off and not turning up at home was appalling especially given you were home alone with a new baby.

Straycatstrut · 22/12/2019 09:24

FFS just seen that he's a dad too. OP do the same to him, (even if it's just pretending you drank too much), don't tell him and then stay at a mates - see if HE worries in the same way.

If he doesn't worry, and if he kicks off, then that tells you all you need to know.

LotteLupin · 22/12/2019 09:25

My opinion:
He's gone out at 2pm. Will have been pissed by 2.30. Have a very long session with his mates (too long - as evidenced by him having alcohol poisoning now).

He's come home. Remember he doesn't usually go out but prefers to cuddle you. Because when he's with these mates, it's not just peer pressure but he's also drunk and goes along with stuff he normally wouldn't dream of doing.

He probably can't even remember half of what he did.

My advice would be:
Draw a veil. If he's so ill now, it's likely he did pass out on a sofa and was then throwing up.

Help him - not Hollingsworth but he actually may need to go to hospital.

When he's feeling v bad eg when throwing up, tell him this is what happens when he hangs out with those guys.

And when he's sober and recovered (eg Tuesday/Weds), have a proper conversation with him about how he feels now and how he doesn't want to do this. And how you won't tolerate it.

Is he normally nice and you love him? If so, follow the above steps.

WorldEndingFire · 22/12/2019 09:28

You don't need to tolerate this OP, it's truly disgusting behaviour. So sorry you've been through all this. Sadly there are all too many threads like this from man children who seem to think that parenthood is just for mothers and that partnership means female servitude.

He needs to redefine his boundaries and his attitude towards you or you should redefine your relationship to him, no one deserves that kind of lying and disrespect - especially when they're doing all the leg work with a small child.

Lllot5 · 22/12/2019 09:33

I know I’m old and mobile phones didn’t exist years ago, but I honestly don’t know why you have to keep phoning and texting all night.
He went out, go to bed go to sleep.
If he gets so pissed he falls asleep and is sick it’s he’s own fault.
Why were you up worrying all night.
Fuck him.

ISmellBabies · 22/12/2019 09:42

He lied about where he was and about coming home, and about his phone to avoid talking to you. He stayed out all night in the company of several drunk women. That much we know.
We don't know who the women are that he chose to spend the night with instead of coming home like he told his wife he would. Maybe they were his friend's mum and sisters, and they spent the night playing chess, and he said he was on his way home and then turned his phone off and lied about it being out of battery because... he really loves chess and his mate's mum is a grand chess master and this was his only chance to play her as she's leaving the country tomorrow.
Or... maybe, he and his drunk mate picked up some drunk women in the pub and took them back to his friend's house in the hopes of a drunken shag. He said he was coming home so you'd get off the phone without an argument, then switched his phone off so he could carry on having fun with the drunk women without being bothered by his wife.
The most obvious answer is usually the right one.

Thegreymethod · 22/12/2019 09:43

He might have just got carried away, everyone was going back to a mates and house and he got swept along with them and not wanted the night to end, he was drunk so panicked and said the first thing that came into his head....... and being so drunk it sounded good in his head. It doesn't mean he's done drugs and it certainly doesn't mean he's cheated so please don't panic yet and let him explain himself later when he's in a fit state and explain how upset he's made you.

rp30 · 22/12/2019 10:03

So much drama on this thread. I swear down women can be so controlling. He's was mashed and didn't play it smooth but that's inevitable.

From what we know, he hardly goes out and is presumably an involved father and partner. A blow out from time to time is ok. If you can't trust your partner/s that's on, you chose these guys.

Also I think it is skank to refer to the joint house as if it is only your's and look to keep him out of it. Imagine if a women went out and was locked out as her man had the ump wih her. Get reasonable guys - though I can understand if it is repeated etc.

I'll cut you some slack as maybe you were worried but it seemed like you got dramatic after establishing he's leaving the pub (or so you thought).

To be honest, one may kill the phone as being mashed and dealing with stress/nagging is just too much.

Presumably he is feel physically and emotionally poor. I think he deserves a bed and some tlc because if he is a good father and partner he deserves some slack. But I've noticed some women get furious, control their partner's time, "take no nonsense" and end up with multiple number of relationships which ultimately impact their children.

I8toys · 22/12/2019 10:09

Yanbu. The lying would piss me off. Just say I'm having a good time, too pissed to walk home and going to sleep at a friends.

Original poster

username272819 · 22/12/2019 10:16

@ohwheniknow
Where did I say I expect constant contact from him??
When he goes out normally he randomly texts and rings me, which I don't expect, he just randomly does it! He wakes me up sometimes ringing me just to tell me he loves me when he's been out drunk.. I've not pinned him down and told him to do that..
last night was different because he was out of character and sounded shady and hung up on me abruptly! He said he was a minute away and wasn't home so I wanted to know what had happened since there's all sorts of crazy people about I'm sure any normal person would want to know their partners are not in harms way and obviously wanted to know what the hell was going on once I realised he obviously lied..

OP posts:

Vulpine · 22/12/2019 10:32

Im not a normal person then because if my parther goes out i go to bed and leave him to it. I dont have my phone in my bedroom but i wouldn't text him anyway. I certainly dont worry for his saftey and i dont think theres 'all sorts of crazy people about'

LadyAllegraImelda · 22/12/2019 10:32

So glad I got rid of this shit 20yrs ago, I just couldn't tolerate it in the end, just annoyed it took me 5yrs to do so.

MonstranceClock · 22/12/2019 10:35

I’ve done this a few times. Glad my husband never locked me outside like a dog!

BeanTownNancy · 22/12/2019 10:43

@Vulpine - it wouldn't phase you at all if someone said they were 1 minute away and then they suddenly disappeared? Have you ever heard of muggers?

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 22/12/2019 10:50

If someone says they’re going to be home in literally one minute then you don’t just roll over and go back to sleep knowing that you’re about to get woken up again (at least I don’t).

I don’t expect constant contact either but I’m a light sleeper and so I find it hard to settle if I’m expecting someone home shortly. My partner doesn’t generally stay out all night but on the very rare occasion he’s had a big night out I’ve asked him not to give me an ETA unless he’s definitely going to be home by then, as otherwise if he says ‘I’ll be home by 2’ and I happen to wake up for a pee at 1:45 then I won’t be able to get back to sleep!

ALLMYSmellySocks · 22/12/2019 10:57

TO all the people saying "why do you have to be texting/phoning all night?" It doesn't sound like it was all night. Out of common courtesy you should tell your partner around about when you're coming home and update them if things change. Then they know if they want to wait up and it stops them from worrying. I bet if her partner had just told her honestly what was going on OP wouldn't have kept calling. If someone says "I'm 2 minutes away" and he's still not home an hour later of course you're going to worry.

marchingonwithmother · 22/12/2019 11:03

There aren't all sorts of crazy people about. That's dramatic. He's gone to a friends and got trollied. He won't even remember what happened.

OP you said he doesn't go out much, I'd leave him to it today and then forget about it by tonight.

To the wise person who wants you to "follow their steps"

"And when he's sober and recovered (eg Tuesday/Weds), have a proper conversation with him about how he feels now and how he doesn't want to do this. And how you won't tolerate it."

Really?? You want the OP to wait 3 days and have this conversation on Christmas Day? Get a grip

notapizzaeater · 22/12/2019 11:06

You're not going to ge5 anything out of him whilst he's still pissed and I'll, I'd wait a bit then try again

StayClassySally · 23/12/2019 16:56

So what's his story when he's sober?

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