Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DP family stay with us?

72 replies

StrawberryDreamX · 21/12/2019 22:24

Dp decided to tell me today his aunt is visiting for a week near the end of January, and she will be staying with us. Dc and I have never met the woman before and I don't want a stranger in my house. Especially when Dp works long shifts and I'll be the one left to entertain her. I am 6 months pregnant, have a 9 month old who still doesn't sleep through the night, and a 6 year old (from previous relationship). When Dd is at school I sleep when Ds sleeps and I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving aunt on her own while I nap. I am exhausted and have enough to do as it is without having another person to feed and clean up after. We really don't have the space as we live in a small 2 bedroom flat. Dp has said Dd will have to share her room for the week. She is extremely shy and I doubt she would want to sleep in a room with someone she doesn't know. I have told Dp to tell his aunt to make other arrangements and stay with other family members, or go to a B&B or hotel. He wasn't pleased at all, has no idea why I'm acting like this, and has been giving me the silent treatment all day. What would you do? Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Lucyccfc68 · 21/12/2019 22:40

Tell him to take the week off work.

LittleOwl153 · 21/12/2019 22:41

I would not make a 6yr old share a bedroom with a stranger. You simply do not have the space.
And yes if he is not going to be around to entertain then she shouldn't be there during the day either. He is effectively dumping her on you and swanning off. You have enough on your plate.
YADNBU!!

Jupiters · 21/12/2019 22:41

He wants your daughter to share a bedroom with someone neither you or her have met before?
I appreciate it is his home as much as yours but having people to stay, especially if it's for any length of time should be a joint decision... It's not just up to him

LittleOwl153 · 21/12/2019 22:46

Does he usually give you the silent treatment when he doesn't get his own way... sounds like a big bully to me. And it doesn't sound as though he thinks alot of your DD either. Maybe he is why she is so shy?

Atilathehunter · 21/12/2019 22:47

Tell him that this is categorically not happening. Is this woman from the UK?

Morgan12 · 21/12/2019 22:49

Fuck that. YANBU!

Ginkeepsmesane · 21/12/2019 22:49

I'd be telling DP that he needs to take the week off work and he will be sharing a room with his Aunt, as the 6year old will be in with you.
If he doesn't like that compromise then he needs to make other arrangements his Aunt.
Is there anyone else that she could stay with?

Ihatesundays · 21/12/2019 22:50

Nope.

DH once invited one of his cousins to come and stay with us for a week in the summer holidays for a ‘break’, without even asking me. I had met her (weddings, funerals) but I didn’t know her at all.
He said it would be nice for someone to look after her and make nice meals and take her out for the day.
She is a heavy drinker/smoker and we would have zero in common.

I pointed out whatever week this was I would suddenly be working long hours and would be unable to do make any food, do any washing up or take anyone for day trips. I certainly would be taking zero time off to accommodate this.
DH looked put out especially as he is a dreadful cook. He also was planning to take no time off work!

Luckily she said no, I still think of it as the worst thing DH has ever done.

1Morewineplease · 21/12/2019 22:53

He needs to resolve this and you shouldn’t need to compromise.
He shouldn’t have made the invitation without consulting you. You need to remind him of this.

Leeds2 · 21/12/2019 22:53

I would've thought DD could share with you, DH and the baby (?) for a week, if you really wanted.
That said, I wouldn't agree to her staying if DH isn't going to be around to entertain her. And he shouldn't extend an invitation without discussing it with you first. It would maybe be different if he is taking the week off work.

GhostHoward · 21/12/2019 22:55

You don't have the space. Ignoring all your other (valid) issues with the situation, that is enough for you to say no. Tell him she can get a hotel/b&b

BackforGood · 21/12/2019 22:58

Surely when you get together with a partner long term, and are in a relationship so committed you have had dc with him, then it is perfectly normal and reasonable and expected that you get to know each others' families?
What is it with calling part of your dp's family "a stranger" ?

You might not have taken the time to get to know her before, but he hasn't invited some stranger he just met at the pub, or a homeless person he found sleeping rough - he has invited his family member.

Of course it isn't easy finding room in a 2 bed home, and that is something that is a real reason to put more thought into what the options are. I wouldn't expect your 9 yr old to want to share with her, nor your dp's Aunt to want to share with your 9 yr old - but presumably you could let her use the living room if there is a reason she needs to stay with you rather than with someone else.

I'm pretty sure she could entertain herself for an hour while you have a nap. Can't see why that would be an issue.

DianaT1969 · 21/12/2019 22:59

Is it a cultural thing? It seems strange to invite an aunt for a visit at this point otherwise. You'll be cramped for space when the next baby arrives. Are you otherwise happy in the relationship? Was it your idea to have two DC so close together, or are you feeling pressured?

Expressedways · 21/12/2019 23:03

There’s no way in a million years I’d agree to this. It doesn’t sound like he respects you or your daughter very much if he didn’t even discuss it with you and just expects your daughter to share a bedroom with a complete stranger.

If you did agree to this, and I don’t think you should, your husband must take the entire time off work and he should share your DD’s room with his Aunt whilst your DD stays with you in your room.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/12/2019 23:06

I think you are both being unreasonable, him less so.

He should have mentioned it before the invite was given but it’s his home and he should be able to have his family stay if he wants. Presumably if you get to sleep in the day he’s the one working to pay the rent/mortgage.

I’d be seriously rethinking a relationship where control was held by one person and I couldn’t invite family to my own home.

Frenchw1fe · 21/12/2019 23:10

The aunt will probably feel just as awkward. Challenge yourself, you may enjoy her stay.

Original poster
StrawberryDreamX · 21/12/2019 23:13

I really don't want him taking a whole week off work for this. He only started his job in October so doesn't qualify for paid paternity leave, we want to keep his holidays so he can have as much paid time off as possible when the baby is born.

@LittleOwl153 no he doesn't usually, but apparently he doesn't want to talk to someone who is so unreasonable.

@Atilathehunter Yes she is from the UK. it's an 8 hour drive so she will be flying.

@Ginkeepsmesane She has 3 brothers here, like me they are short for space but would be able to accommodate her better than me.

@Ihatesundays That sounds awful, I'm glad for your sake she decided not to visit!

Glad the majority are saying I'm not being unreasonable, Dp is blaming my hormones

OP posts:
wellthatwasthat · 21/12/2019 23:18

He certainly shouldn't have arranged it without talking to you first.

TrifenyMarlowe · 21/12/2019 23:20

Sooo your DH makes the commitment but the actual work is on you, and DD is expected to sleep with a stranger?

If your DH is blaming hormones maybe he should realise that most women or partners of any kind wouldn't need to have the conversation; respectful, self aware DH s would never propose such a moronic setup at your cost.

BackforGood · 21/12/2019 23:22

So, she has 4 relations within the area she is visiting / staying for a week, none of whom has much space ?
Why not suggest you each host her for a couple of days ?

Generally about 3 days is long enough to host any guest, so that would be a good compromise possibly?

Cherrysoup · 21/12/2019 23:23

Get her 3 brothers to phone and offer her their not-spare-beds. This is a bit bonkers, why on earth would he think she should stay with you?

YappityYapYap · 21/12/2019 23:26

It seems to be a night for CF aunties. She can stay in a hotel. You need your naps! When I was pregnant, I used to come home from work everyday at 2pm and go to sleep until 5:30pm then get up and cook the dinner. I didn't have two kids to look after either so if I needed a nap, you definitely do!!

Original poster
StrawberryDreamX · 21/12/2019 23:27

@Leeds2 the baby doesn't sleep during the night so it doesn't seem fair to have Dd in with us when she has school the next morning. Ds was up 8 times last night. He has never slept through.

@BackforGood I call her a stranger because I don't know a thing about her. He has never mentioned her, as far as I'm aware he has had little to no contact with her for the best part of 10 years.
Dp is up early on the morning so I take the baby into the living room when he won't settle to allow him to get a good sleep for work.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrawberryDreamX · 21/12/2019 23:40

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss for a whole week whilst he will be at work 12 hours a day for 5 days out of the week? I paid the rent and lived comfortably for 8 years before Dp even knew who I was. I sleep during the day because I have a baby who doesn't sleep through the night, 8 times he was up last night. Plus I'm 6 months pregnant. I'm on Matt leave atm but when working I earn more than Dp so your assumptions are wrong.

OP posts:
Useful22 · 21/12/2019 23:51

Men! Never been pregnant and seem to think making a baby is easy and not tiring. Jot to mention having one who doesn't sleep through.

Random unknown family in with 6 old....absolutely not acceptable. Dh is crazy. Tell him to bugger off the cf

Swipe left for the next trending thread