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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely exhausted by my friend?

58 replies

BanKittenHeels · 21/12/2019 17:10

My friend is a very sweet woman and we get on incredibly well, we have very similar backgrounds, professions and tastes/hobbies. But I am at the point of finding her so exhausting.

She is constantly in some kind of dating drama and has to analyse it to the nth degree.
For instance she has had a few dates with a few guys from tinder over the last and nothing much has come from them (probably because she hasn’t dealt with the break up of her marriage 3 years ago). A few have lead to at most a third or fourth date and some texting. I understand the disappointment but it has got to the point where she is referring to these as “break ups”, “destroying” and “heartbreak”. She takes to her bed for days on end.
She wants to talk about it all constantly, she will text me about it with in depth analysis and asking for advice all day long. I give her well thought out advice and she just ignores it or takes offence - where there is none to take.
She is taking weeks off work to “mourn her heartbreak” and saying some people not calling her back “is like the death of a loved one” (just what I need to hear with a loved one in a hospice).
We recently went out in a big group to celebrate us all achieving something professionally. She spent the entire evening moaning about a guy that she had met twice who had decided he wasn’t in a good place to date as he was still mourning the loss of his wife. She ended up crying and dominating the entire evening.

Tonight a guy from tinder is due to meet her for a first date but his friend unexpectedly flew in early, so he went for an afternoon drink and explained to her, he would probably be 30 mins late and said “I’ll move our reservation, I can’t wait to see you.”
She has been on the phone to me on and off since 2pm sobbing her heart out.

AIBU to be exhausted by this?

OP posts:
BanKittenHeels · 21/12/2019 17:10

Gosh sorry that was a bit of a wall of text!

OP posts:
beautifulstranger101 · 21/12/2019 17:13

She is taking weeks off work to “mourn her heartbreak” and saying some people not calling her back “is like the death of a loved one” (just what I need to hear with a loved one in a hospice)

She doesnt sound very "sweet". She sounds like an insensitive arse. Who would say this to someone with a relative in hospice?! She sounds supremely selfish and up her own backside to me.

MarinaMarinara · 21/12/2019 17:14

Goodness that really does sound exhausting! I think I would have to back away from that for my own sanity...

Racmactac · 21/12/2019 17:16

Can't you just have a blunt word and tell
Her to pull herself together ?
Or at least stop internet dating.

OverByYer · 21/12/2019 17:17

I had a friend like this - the dating dramas the exact same. Dramas with her kids, her health. It was exhausting.
The final
Straw was meeting her for lunch one day. Listening to all her dramas, then as we left it dawned on me she hadn’t even asked how I was .
So is said to her ‘ I’m fine thank you for asking’
And never saw her again.
Just ignored all her calls / texts from that day onwards

Twiggy71 · 21/12/2019 17:17

Your not her therapist and there is a reason they get paid good money to listen to all this.
Step back or your own mental health will suffer...

Fromage · 21/12/2019 17:18

Oh my God what drama llama.

What does she do for you, this friend? Is everyone else thoroughly sick of her?

She sounds like a nightmare. For the sake of all good men everywhere, I hope she gives up on the dating thing and becomes a nun. In a silent order.

Mrsjayy · 21/12/2019 17:18

I think you need to be direct with her say come on now"sue" these were dates probably just after sex there is no broken ups! Or just stop engaging inher melodrama

Drum2018 · 21/12/2019 17:18

She's a right pain in the arse. Stop answering her calls, stop opening her messages so she cannot accuse you of ignoring - you can say you didn't see them/battery died. You really need to take a step back from the friendship. Either that or tell her to grow the fuck up!

TheMoors · 21/12/2019 17:20

I have a friend who is very similar.

Every date is over analysed, discussed, taken apart and she makes a million assumptions. I'd be surprised if she didn't come across as a bit OTT and intense with her dates, and that's what might be putting guys off.

She's not like it with anything else; I feel for her, I think it comes from deep insecurity and a genuine sensitivity to rejection.

SantaBeckett · 21/12/2019 17:23

I have found that telling people, in a nice way , that they should write their thoughts and feelings down in journal/ diary ( NOT texting / email )
as this will help them reflect on her feelings and help them work through them .
This has two good points , it will stop her coming to you all the time , and it may work for her too , she may be able to move on quicker

SantaBeckett · 21/12/2019 17:24

I will put my book om psychology down now Blush

NiteFlights · 21/12/2019 17:24

Is your friend Helen from the Archers?

YANBU it sounds v wearing!

FizzyPink · 21/12/2019 17:26

Oh god I have a friend like this, she gets very overly invested much too early and it’s all just one big constant drama.
She totally overtook our Christmas meal the other night crying over the latest one who has broken her heart after 2 months of dating by not wanting a relationship Hmm She’s also really not the type to take any advice. I’m sorry I have no words of wisdom OP

ClinkyMonkey · 21/12/2019 17:28

I had a friend like that many years ago. I knew that she was depressed because she couldn't find someone to settle down with. Her self esteem was low and I felt truly bad for her. But it never ever got any better and the dynamic of our relationship was very skewed, with me , in effect, being the Samaritans and her pouring her heart out, phoning me as and when she felt like it to analyse every little detail of her love life. Her problems became my problems and it was not a 2 way street. If there's no quid pro quo at all, it's not a friendship.

Honestly, back away if it's draining you. There's only so much you can do to support someone before you start falling apart yourself. She's using you as free therapy.

Evilmorty · 21/12/2019 17:29

My friend is similar, her whole life is built around the pursuit of a man. And when he bores her, the pursuit of another man to transition to so that she spends the least amount of time possible alone. It’s either all consuming or nothing at all, I either get 10 phone calls a day and 100+ texts, or nothing at all for weeks when they are in an up phase.

I feel used by it all. Yanbu!

JustASmallTownCurl · 21/12/2019 17:31

Ugh I'm exhausted and annoyed just reading it let alone knowing her!

It's clear you've been a reliable and kind friend to her for a long time. You've done your best to help her positively and constructively.

Some people drama llamas just want others to agree that their life is a million times more complicated than other people's.

Cut off her supply, just maintain contact for now with a "sorry to hear that, onwards and upwards" message and don't answer the phone - message to say sorry you've got too much on right now to chat.

If she is angry she can't speak to you on demand and on her terms then she's showing you what a one sided friendship this is.

Im so sorry to hear a loved one is in a hospice, very insensitive of her to (I assume) still keep all communications about her, especially using that language around death and dying thoughtlessly.

Be kind to yourself OP, fucking hell you've indulged her a lot so far so don't feel bad if you can't do it anymore Thanks

sophiajasmin · 21/12/2019 17:33

she could do with something to do and less time spent ruminating on this stuff. what about doing a hobby that involves hard work and concentration?

TheMustressMhor · 21/12/2019 17:34

I'm not surprised you're getting thoroughly sick of this.

I have no sage advice about what to do moving forward, though.

I'm sorry about your loved one in the hospice, by the way. Your friend has no sensitivity if she believes her petty little affairs are more important than that, to be frank.

BrigidSt · 21/12/2019 17:36

Bin her off.

sonjadog · 21/12/2019 17:37

I think you have shown remarkable patience with her already.

BanKittenHeels · 21/12/2019 17:38

I had a friend like that many years ago. I knew that she was depressed because she couldn't find someone to settle down with. Her self esteem was low and I felt truly bad for her. But it never ever got any better and the dynamic of our relationship was very skewed, with me , in effect, being the Samaritans and her pouring her heart out, phoning me as and when she felt like it to analyse every little detail of her love life. Her problems became my problems and it was not a 2 way street. If there's no quid pro quo at all, it's not a friendship

This is exactly it.

I totally get how frustrating it must be to want a relationship and feel like you’re coming up against road blocks, that must be difficult.
But it feels like this is a step further and she genuinely can’t cope with something fairly casual and new not becoming a firm relationship within the space of a week.

Also that guy today seemed like he really wants to meet to her but she is “distraught” because he needed to change the plans by 30 mins for understandable reasons.
I just can’t take it.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 21/12/2019 17:40

I used to have a 'friend' like this until I realised she was an extremely needy emotional vampire. So I put some strict boundaries in place and she had a melt down. I had several months of passive aggressive second hand messages about what an awful person I was until she moved on to her next victim.

MadameButterface · 21/12/2019 17:42

What @SantaBeckett said!! I would have to find a way of being like ‘oh dear marjorie, i can see that that’s quite disappointing but it’s not worth getting yourself in this state over, are you sure you’re in the right place to even be dating if it’s playing on your insecurities this much, maybe get counselling or something and work on yourself instead’

She’ll probably take no notice but it might make her stfu because it’s not buying into her narrative, iyswim?

Wineislifex · 21/12/2019 17:43

We used to have a colleague like this, got out of a long term relationship she’d been in all her life found POF and it became the centre of her world! Checking if the men were online, frantic phone calls to us if he hadn’t responded to texts within minutes, constant Facebook stalking of him and any female who commented or liked his posts. It was soooo draining!

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