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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be absolutely exhausted by my friend?

58 replies

BanKittenHeels · 21/12/2019 17:10

My friend is a very sweet woman and we get on incredibly well, we have very similar backgrounds, professions and tastes/hobbies. But I am at the point of finding her so exhausting.

She is constantly in some kind of dating drama and has to analyse it to the nth degree.
For instance she has had a few dates with a few guys from tinder over the last and nothing much has come from them (probably because she hasn’t dealt with the break up of her marriage 3 years ago). A few have lead to at most a third or fourth date and some texting. I understand the disappointment but it has got to the point where she is referring to these as “break ups”, “destroying” and “heartbreak”. She takes to her bed for days on end.
She wants to talk about it all constantly, she will text me about it with in depth analysis and asking for advice all day long. I give her well thought out advice and she just ignores it or takes offence - where there is none to take.
She is taking weeks off work to “mourn her heartbreak” and saying some people not calling her back “is like the death of a loved one” (just what I need to hear with a loved one in a hospice).
We recently went out in a big group to celebrate us all achieving something professionally. She spent the entire evening moaning about a guy that she had met twice who had decided he wasn’t in a good place to date as he was still mourning the loss of his wife. She ended up crying and dominating the entire evening.

Tonight a guy from tinder is due to meet her for a first date but his friend unexpectedly flew in early, so he went for an afternoon drink and explained to her, he would probably be 30 mins late and said “I’ll move our reservation, I can’t wait to see you.”
She has been on the phone to me on and off since 2pm sobbing her heart out.

AIBU to be exhausted by this?

OP posts:
BanKittenHeels · 21/12/2019 17:47

Oh believe me I’ve said things like
“Do you maybe think dating is a good thing for you right now? You’re so vulnerable and this is preoccupying you’re time and upsetting you that you can’t be having much fun and what’s the point in dating if it isn’t fun?”

She agrees for 30 mins and then is back on Tinder later that same day.

OP posts:
Alexandra80 · 21/12/2019 17:48

Op, she sounds like she's a bit of drama queen and insensitive but it also sounds like she's got some deep seated stuff going on. I'd be worn out too but she sounds relatively unstable when it comes to interpersonal relationships and how they affect her. I'm just putting my 2 pence in because I'm BPD and it sounds similar (though I'm not a "typical" bpd and wouldn't be that selfish either).

Either way I'd set boundaries and distance myself. It's draining.

BanKittenHeels · 21/12/2019 17:49

So many spelling and grammar mistakes, I’m so sorry.

OP posts:
Evilmorty · 21/12/2019 17:49

She actually has very little interest in what you say. They don’t really want advice, they just want to talk. I’ve said the same thing to my friend for 2 years and I don’t think she has ever fully heard me.

Majorcollywobble · 21/12/2019 17:53

She’s a diva and you’re enabling her . You are obviously a good friend to her but she for sure isn’t yours . Get rid ! Pronto !

DuMondeB · 21/12/2019 18:05

She needs to see a therapist.

Motoko · 21/12/2019 18:07

I think it's time for you to cut her off. You've tried to help her, but she's not interested in help, and you've got enough to worry about with your loved one. Sorry to hear about that.

Time to concentrate on yourself now.

WhoTheFuckIsGail · 21/12/2019 18:10

I'd very firmly tell her to pack it in as she is being overly dramatic and you don't want to hear it anymore. The latest one is pathetic and she needs a very large grip.

sarahjconnor · 21/12/2019 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoraPirbright · 21/12/2019 18:22

she is “distraught” because he needed to change the plans by 30 mins for understandable reasons

This is so utterly preposterous that surely you can use it as a springboard to tell her to get a fucking grip? Obviously not quite so harshly of course! But I do agree with a pp - take a step back otherwise your own mental health will be put under strain.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/12/2019 18:40

Well, it's pretty obvious why the men are all running for the hills, isn't it? Have you tried pointing that out to her? OK, that would be 'unkind' but being kind and patient isn't working, and it's only by getting a grip that she will have any chance of a healthy relationship. If you want to be gentler, suggest therapy...

BanKittenHeels · 21/12/2019 18:42

I told her that I thought she was over reacting about the 30 minute delay, that it didn’t “seem like a red flag” and it was a sign that he was a decent enough person that he kept her informed about a possible delay.
She just laughed it off.

I’ve left her with “This sounds exhausting and it can’t possibly be fun for you. Good luck 🤷‍♀️“

I’m supposed to be seeing her tomorrow for a friend’s birthday lunch but I’m thinking of cancelling because I’ve got enough on my shoulders right now, without this level of needless drama.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 21/12/2019 18:47

Have you been really tough with her? Like telling her that you can’t support her any more, because she is obviously unable to date at the moment, and it’s making your relationship wayyyyy to one sided.

It’s fine to have friends who are falling apart and call to be rescued, providing they listen and take advice.

Littlemeadow123 · 21/12/2019 18:50

How old is this lady? Does she have kids? If she doesn't have kids, is she desperate for them? Is she in a position where her biological clock is ticking? Maybe she is freaking out worrying that she'll never get married or have kids?

eaglejulesk · 21/12/2019 19:06

Good grief - she sounds like incredibly hard work. I've met some drama llamas in my time, but this takes the cake. Being "distraught" because someone told her they would be 30 minutes late for a date??????

Evilmorty · 21/12/2019 19:22

I wouldn’t go to lunch. All you’ll get is a blow by blow account of nonsense and do you think he likes me?

I sometimes avoid altogether and then say a few days later - was it all ok in the end? And you’ll find they can’t remember what the issue even was!

BodenGate · 21/12/2019 19:42

I know exactly how you feel as I have a similar friend. She’s been out of the dating game so long and things are different now. She’s as vulnerable as a teenager dating for the first time. It’s exhausting for you though so please put some boundaries in place to protect yourself.

BanKittenHeels · 21/12/2019 20:16

She is 32 and doesn’t want children.

OP posts:
Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 21/12/2019 21:25

Isn't Tinder designed more for hookups anyway? Wouldn't she be better on match or something? I have a friend whose a bit like this and plays every message over and over and analyses it. I don't think online dating is very good for people like that.

GabsAlot · 21/12/2019 21:57

I know someone like this not to do with dating but just anything-its all so stressful and shes so unlucky and bad things always happen to her

she doesnt do anything to change it though-her partner is horrible she wont leave him-hates her job tbf she does change that but she doesnt like any job she has so they same thing happpens again-its exhaisting i sympathise

Nestofvipers · 21/12/2019 22:24

@BanKittenHeels Have a look at histrionic personality disorder online as I wonder whether the description of this would resonate at all?

mauvaisereputation · 21/12/2019 22:45

She sounds struggling and depressed. Doesn't excuse all her actions, but I don't think she's happy.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 22/12/2019 00:05

Cut her off.
If not then start charging her hourly.
You both should be benefiting from this relationship.

shortaris1 · 22/12/2019 00:18

I had a friend like this, drama after drama.

I stopped seeing her in the end. She was all me,me,me

DonutMan · 22/12/2019 00:26

AIBU to be exhausted by this?

I'd say you ultimately are as you already recognise that she is extremely OTT. You should just mentally roll your eyes and get on with your life.

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