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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are people getting more selfish- Christmas arrangements.

96 replies

emilybrontescorsett · 21/12/2019 16:38

Ok so I know it's not a first world problem however, is it a thing now to just do as you please and let people down?

We made arrangements, dh and I, to see some very good friends tonight.
We made the plans aged ago.
Just for context, we have spent many New Year's Eves at each other houses , plus had weekends away together that sort of thing.
Now we had said we would go to theirs and for ease go to their local pub.There is only one pub, it's not special but I thought it would be easier for them. At first my friend said she would do food, and her older child would babysit the younger one.
All ok.
Then a few days ago she said older child is going out so nobabysitter, can we just have a drink at theirs and order a take away. Again all ok. Times arranged.
We have done our food shopping now, I'm still working next week and we are sorted with food.I
Today after getting in from work, she messaged to say her older child can misbehave so we will go to the pub, again we will do that if it's best for them.
Now she has messaged to say they are out until later, go to theirs and wait whilst they are visiting friends and having dinner!
I've messaged her back and tried ringing to see if we are still ordering a take away. Neither dh or I have eaten. We don't want to go to theirs and sit with their kids whilst they are out.
On top of all this dh and I are alone tonight so could either have a romantic night in together, or go to much better pubs where we live.
Dh is pissed off with them altering arrangements.

Is it too much to ask for people to stick to plans.
In all honesty I was trying to make it easier for them.
We live nearer to a town with nice pubs and restaurants, they live in the sticks but have a young child so I was thinking of them when we offered to go there.

OP posts:
sophiajasmin · 21/12/2019 17:24

Sounds like they aren't that bothered about spending time with you. I reckon in some friendships you can end up doing all the running but there comes a point when you have to withdraw and find something better to do

OliviaBenson · 21/12/2019 17:24

How bloody rude! I wouldn't say they are clearly busy, I'd text and say it seems they've had a better offer and no, you won't wait in with their kids.

Rude behaviour and you would not be in the wrong to call them out on it.

yorkshiregodscountry · 21/12/2019 17:25

I would cancel and go to the better bars near yours.

birdsarecute45 · 21/12/2019 17:26

I'd also totally reconsider the friendship.

Unless, like my DM they are total people pleasers and cannot say no to anythone and thus twist themselves into knots and get themselves into ridiculous situations like this. I might be slightly kinder then.

(My mother used to get ehrself into the most terrible sorts of muddles like this).

DarlingNikita · 21/12/2019 17:26

If it were me, I would just send a text to say something like ‘ this is clearly a busy time for you all, let’s rearrange when the heat is off. Have a lovely Christmas and we’ll catch up later.’

Then go have that nice evening with DH

I hope by now you’ve done this, OP. They’re appallingly rude. Forget about them.

sandragreen · 21/12/2019 17:26

You aren't still going over there are you? Shock

Don't you DARE!!! Grin

BumbleBeee69 · 21/12/2019 17:27

CANCEL OP... please.... enjoy a nice night at home with hubby Xmas Grin

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 21/12/2019 17:29

C'mon Op, find your backbone and just text the message suggested upthread that you will see them in the New Year, then you and your DH go and have a lovely evening just the two of you.

JennyWoodentop · 21/12/2019 17:33
  1. Our plans were to have a meal together. Since you now appear to be having a meal out with other friends I am not sure what purpose it would serve for us to be sitting in your home with your kids waiting for you to return so let's just cancel.
  1. You dropped our plans for a better offer so let's just acknowledge that & move on
  • or if you feel like being polite & that there is something to salvage here -
  1. It sounds like a busy time for you, let's sort something out after Christmas - and wait for them to get in touch & decide how you feel at that point but don't be put in the position of letting them mess you around, make plans that can carry on regardless if they drop you - eg meeting for a meal out, not buying stuff to feed them at yours unless you have other guests too
Aderyn19 · 21/12/2019 17:34

I would not be wishing them a happy Christmas or sending a nice text. Their suggestion is spectacularly rude and deserves a blunt response.

Original poster
emilybrontescorsett · 21/12/2019 17:34

Hi all.
I'm more disappointed than angry. My friend does have a dreadful memory but even so there Is no excuse for this.
She has let me down before but it's been more to do with one of them being ill which is understandable.
She didn't come on my surprise hen do which my older dd arranged so dd told me she removed her from the group chat straight away, the moment she tried steering the conversation towards her kids!
We are not going.
We are going to local, much better bars.
There is no way in hell im going to sit in someone else's house whilst they are out entertaining their kids.

OP posts:
theoriginalmadambee · 21/12/2019 17:35

Errh, so they found something better to do and suggested you could keep an eye on their dc until they come home to say a quick hello?

No, no, no - don't contact them further tonight, just arrange something nice for you and your dh.

theoriginalmadambee · 21/12/2019 17:36

Good on you, enjoy Smile.

birdsarecute45 · 21/12/2019 17:36

Good on you!!

DarlingNikita · 21/12/2019 17:37

Good for you, OP!

milliefiori · 21/12/2019 17:38

I'd just go out and have a lovely evening with DH. Tbh. that would annoy me so much I'd not even let them know that we weren't coming over. They are suddenly having dinner elsewhere? They are taking you for granted. Go and have a leisurely dinner with DH somewhere romantic and if they text to ask where you are just say, 'still having dinner. Let's meet up another time.'

birdsarecute45 · 21/12/2019 17:40

actually.... go out and have dinner and if they text to ask where you are say 'still having dinner... suggest you go to ours and wait'.

(Not really.... they might do it!)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/12/2019 17:40

Good for you, OP. Dreamersandwishers had it in her first post. It's infuriating trying to twist yourself into a pretzel to accommodate people who just aren't worth it.

She's let you down before. Job done and don't stew on this. Have a nice evening.

Whatagoodidea · 21/12/2019 17:49

Hope you have a lovely evening. They are not worth bothering with.

SusieOwl4 · 21/12/2019 17:56

Well done

Serin · 21/12/2019 17:57

Dreamersandwishers says it beautifully but I'm old and have lost my patience with this sort of nonsense so I would seriously be tempted to reply "wow, I cant believe how rude you are" and just go out with your husband.
She clearly prefers the other friends enough to risk her friendship with you.

Didkdt · 21/12/2019 17:58

Im glad you are doing somethingfl for you. I'd have forgotten to cancel and gone our locally

Drabarni · 21/12/2019 18:05

What's the betting you turn up and the older one goes out and you and dh are babysitting.
That's just the cynic in me Grin

sarahjconnor · 21/12/2019 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iamyourequal · 21/12/2019 18:08

Good on you OP.