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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Not doing presents' but still accepting gifts...

311 replies

tiddlerandtea · 21/12/2019 15:02

I have name changed as my aunts gift is very specific.

My aunt collects and loves Royal Albert Tea Sets. She asks for a particular style from my siblings and I every year and it's not always the full set but sometimes a style of tea pot or whatever.

This year she asked if all families would team up and buy her the Miranda Kerr for Royal Albert Tea set. We said yes and she asked for lists of gifts back for the families that roughly totaled the price we paid for the tea set.

That was fine.

I am the last house that she visits every year out of my siblings and I am the one who always presents her the gift and then leaves her home after. She turned up at my sisters house last night announcing that she wasn't doing gifts this year and my sister text me immediately to tell me.

She then came to my house and announced the same and while we were giving gifts to other family members who had arrived with her I purposely left her gift in another room ready to be returned Monday morning. My aunt said she was looking forward to showing everyone her new set and I said no, if she wasn't doing gifts she should have mentioned at the end of November when lists were being swapped instead of us spending a lot of money to receive nothing in return.

My cousin messaged me this morning to say that the whole thing was very embarrassing and we could have just handed the set over and decided that from now on we weren't doing gifts at all instead of 'punishing' my aunt as she is really really keen on the set. My siblings are all happy for the gift to be returned and us to all receive our money back.

I have apologised and said that I appreciate it was probably embarrassing but I am not handing out a £400 gift on behalf of my siblings and I when my aunt is coming with her arms the one length and fully willing to accept the gift. The money is better being shared back out and spent on our own families.

I am ready to be told I am unreasonable and it all sounds petty but I am sick to death of people claiming they aren't doing presents but not vocalising it with anyone else. It makes you look grabby and like a right old scrounge.

I also don't care about the 'act of giving'. People can say all day long it's about the feeling you get when someone opens a present they love but 9/10 it's just about keeping up appearances and being seen to play the Christmas game in my eyes.

OP posts:
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 21/12/2019 15:29

I feel like we must have missed something here.... She specifically requested a more expensive than usual gift but had no intention of buying anyone anything?

Absolutely absurd, what a CF.

Apolloanddaphne · 21/12/2019 15:29

Very cheeky. You can tell her if she still wants to she can pay you the £400 for it!

FruitcakeOfHate · 21/12/2019 15:29

BRAVO! Well done you. Don't back down. Why are you blushing? Nah, she knew what she was doing. Return the item.

Raphael34 · 21/12/2019 15:30

@EsmeSwan seriously? She specifically asked a number of relatives to combine their money to buy her this extremely expensive gift. And then afterwards announced she wasn’t doing gifts and still expected them to give her one. It doesn’t work like that. It was £400 ffs. Would you be happy someone saying to you ‘I’m not buying Xmas presents this year, but I want you to buy me a £400 one’. Ridiculous

ManiacalLapwing · 21/12/2019 15:31

If she's decided she's not doing gifts then she should have said earlier, but since you've already bought her gift I would have said fair enough and asked her if she wanted to transfer you the money for it or if she wanted you to return it (and apologise to you for wasting your time).

YappityYapYap · 21/12/2019 15:31

Good on you OP! No way should you and your siblings be shelling out £400 for a gift to a CF that decided she wasn't doing gifts, never told anyone and still expects to be handed her one. I can't get over the cheek of it!

Wineislifex · 21/12/2019 15:32

Eeee she’s got more front than Blackpool hasn’t she! I love your response, 100% the right thing to do!

KurriKurri · 21/12/2019 15:32

How on earth did she think she'd get away with pulling that stunt. Presumably she thought you'd all be so gobsmacked at her effrontery that you'd just give her the tea set in a kind of daze of bewilderment.
Put it on ebay for £400 and send her the link - then she can buy it off you if she wants to.
Some people have got more front than Brighton.

Elvesdontdomagic · 21/12/2019 15:33

I can't even imagine how this tea set thing started! £400? Crazy money for an Aunt in the first place! YANBU but it's all really cringy.

bevelino · 21/12/2019 15:35

Ha, ha, that’ll teach her.

emilybrontescorsett · 21/12/2019 15:35

Wow, your aunt is one hell of a cf.

beautifulstranger101 · 21/12/2019 15:35

Put it on ebay for £400 and send her the link - then she can buy it off you if she wants to

I am cackling!

ILearnedItFromABook · 21/12/2019 15:35

She shouldn't have requested a gift particularly such an expensive one if she wasn't willing or able to reciprocate. It's one thing to humbly accept a gift if you've made it clear that you won't or can't buy presents, but to make a specific request! The nerve!

It must've been very awkward, but she was unreasonable to put you in that position, and maybe now she'll know better than to try that trick again.

MyNewBearTotoro · 21/12/2019 15:36

You handled it perfectly and were definitely not unreasonable.

BonnyConnie · 21/12/2019 15:36

That’s very odd behaviour from your aunt. Any chance a screw has come loose?

PristineCondition · 21/12/2019 15:37

Good for you!

strawberry2017 · 21/12/2019 15:37

I think she knew exactly what she was doing when she asked for it.
I feel so proud of you for standing up for yourself and your siblings. You all clearly have big hearts to spend that much on an aunt and she took advantage of it!

BozoBahHumbugScroogesItUp · 21/12/2019 15:38

👏👏👏 bravo. Thank goodness your sibling got hold of you in time.

Winter2020 · 21/12/2019 15:38

I think you did the right thing - unless there was more to the story like your Aunt losing her job in between saying what she wanted and now. If there is no special information like that then you are not being unreasonable at all - and I actually admire you sticking up for yourself.

I agree you don't give to receive in that I would like to buy a little something for my nieces and nephews because I care about them whatever their parents choose to do but you also don't use Christmas to greedily milk your relatives which is what she seemed to be doing.

SpicyRibs · 21/12/2019 15:39

Oddly enough, my phone autocorrected AUNT as CUNT.

Even Samsung think YANBU. Xmas Grin

gamerchick · 21/12/2019 15:39

Maybe that was the last thing to complete her collection and didn't think you wouldn't give it to her. Or she's skint and couldn't match 400 quid.

Even so good for you man. She'll not pull that stunt again.

Original poster
tiddlerandtea · 21/12/2019 15:40

@BonnyConnie I am usually the softest and would in previous years have definitely been too backwards and I would have just handed it over and grumbled about it for years after.

I wouldn't have minded one bit if she had of came and said look i'm not doing presents this year so please return the set. I wouldn't have minded one bit!! I was actually expecting that until she asked for it and then I got a little angry!

OP posts:
Countryescape · 21/12/2019 15:40

Wow!! What a grabby tight fisted biarch! Definitely do not give her the present. What was her reaction when you said no?

WhereverIMayRoam · 21/12/2019 15:41

Good for you Grin! I admit I don’t know that I’d have had the nerve to do it and out of embarrassment I might well have gone with what your cousin suggested but oooh I’d be hopping afterwards.

It’s not even so much about wanting presents, it’s the sheer nerve, the sense of entitlement she must have to show up at your house knowing she was getting a £400 gift but that she’d decided to change the usual practice in your family and not give gifts herself. Without telling anyone in advance, I mean who does that?

You’re probably feeling a bit guilty and awkward because it must have been embarrassing for everyone there but remember OP she created the situation. Entitled, hard necked people depend on the rest of us to be too embarrassed to make a scene, that’s how they get away with their shit!

Usernamechange1 · 21/12/2019 15:42

110% you were NBU, OP. What a CF your aunt is. Loved the PP who said you should suggest your cousin buy the teapot off you if they're that bothered about CFAunt getting the gift.