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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Not doing presents' but still accepting gifts...

311 replies

tiddlerandtea · 21/12/2019 15:02

I have name changed as my aunts gift is very specific.

My aunt collects and loves Royal Albert Tea Sets. She asks for a particular style from my siblings and I every year and it's not always the full set but sometimes a style of tea pot or whatever.

This year she asked if all families would team up and buy her the Miranda Kerr for Royal Albert Tea set. We said yes and she asked for lists of gifts back for the families that roughly totaled the price we paid for the tea set.

That was fine.

I am the last house that she visits every year out of my siblings and I am the one who always presents her the gift and then leaves her home after. She turned up at my sisters house last night announcing that she wasn't doing gifts this year and my sister text me immediately to tell me.

She then came to my house and announced the same and while we were giving gifts to other family members who had arrived with her I purposely left her gift in another room ready to be returned Monday morning. My aunt said she was looking forward to showing everyone her new set and I said no, if she wasn't doing gifts she should have mentioned at the end of November when lists were being swapped instead of us spending a lot of money to receive nothing in return.

My cousin messaged me this morning to say that the whole thing was very embarrassing and we could have just handed the set over and decided that from now on we weren't doing gifts at all instead of 'punishing' my aunt as she is really really keen on the set. My siblings are all happy for the gift to be returned and us to all receive our money back.

I have apologised and said that I appreciate it was probably embarrassing but I am not handing out a £400 gift on behalf of my siblings and I when my aunt is coming with her arms the one length and fully willing to accept the gift. The money is better being shared back out and spent on our own families.

I am ready to be told I am unreasonable and it all sounds petty but I am sick to death of people claiming they aren't doing presents but not vocalising it with anyone else. It makes you look grabby and like a right old scrounge.

I also don't care about the 'act of giving'. People can say all day long it's about the feeling you get when someone opens a present they love but 9/10 it's just about keeping up appearances and being seen to play the Christmas game in my eyes.

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 22/12/2019 07:49

Well done!

RhiWrites · 22/12/2019 07:55

This post gladdens my heart. I too have arrived with bags of gifts for a pre arranged holiday gift exchange to be told “we’re not doing gifts” and it was hurtful.

I can’t believe the cheek of CF aunt. “I’m not doing gifts... where’s my £400 present?” Impressive!

mrsshardlake · 22/12/2019 08:00

OP, yanbu, but aren't you concerned that your aunt or cousins will read this thread and get even more upset. Yes she was unreasonable, but she's an old lady who collects tea sets... not sure I'd want publicly to humiliate her (a second time) by posting, TBH....

HeyMac · 22/12/2019 08:02

£400?! And she didn't want to do gifts GrinConfused do you have a big group of siblings and cousins or is that about £100 exhibits. Madness!

ivykaty44 · 22/12/2019 08:04

but she's an old lady who collects tea sets...

A person who has tea sets purchased for her by devious methods

ivykaty44 · 22/12/2019 08:06

Rhi what did you do and say? That certainly sounds uncalled for & certainly hurtful 😢

BloggersBlog · 22/12/2019 08:08

I thought she was 60? Or did I misread? If she is then 60 is not old, at 60 most of us will have at least 5/10 more working years ahead of us!! Anyway you can be a cf at any age as this proves Grin

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 22/12/2019 08:13

This post gladdens my heart. I too have arrived with bags of gifts for a pre arranged holiday gift exchange to be told “we’re not doing gifts” and it was hurtful.

I've had similar - "Oh our DD has left your gifts at the hotel where she worked. You'll get them after the holidays." We are still waiting 40years later.

It was the first year after our DS was born - In-laws had 3 kids in their teens and had had a fortune spent on them over the years - whatever they asked for they got, because there were no other children in the family.

Neither of ours have had so much as a birthday card.

Henlie · 22/12/2019 08:15

I still can’t get over the spending of (I’m guessing here) around £100 on an aunt..... Is this how much she normally spends on you Op? Just wondering if there’s a bit of a back story to this, like has she been overly generous with you all in the past?

LazyFace · 22/12/2019 08:19

Finally! A thread where the OP isn't a doormat.
You were right to not give her the set.

LazyDaisey · 22/12/2019 09:02

When people announce “WE’RE not doing gifts” that’s your cue to take the presents back to your cars, people.

If someone said to me “Oh my god, I’m so embarrassed... didn’t you get my email about not exchanging gifts this year?” And looked highly embarrassed... I’d give them the gifts anyway.

But for some of you who literally drive with an armful of gifts and they say WE’RE not doing gifts”... you lot need to spin on that heel, shove everything back in the car and cheerfully announce “thank god! This is going right back as I can’t really afford it either”

gamerchick · 22/12/2019 09:07

cheerfully announce “thank god! This is going right back as I can’t really afford it either

Perfect Grin

Designerenvy · 22/12/2019 09:08

Well done ! Wish I had your nerve .
How rude of your Aunt ! Cant believe she requested a £400 gift to begin with ....the cheek of her!
Get a refund and go for a nice meal / night out with your siblings and make a toast tou your Aunt Wink

Designerenvy · 22/12/2019 09:15

Ding Dong, I get you ! We buy gifts every year for my husbands nieces and nephews because it's what you do at xmas!
My 3 DC's don't get as much as a selection box in return !
We've significantly reduced the amount we spend on them but still give gifts to them .
I don't get it , mine are their nieces / nephews/ godchildren and they buy them nothing!
I wouldn't expect a big pricey present, just a token .
It's not lack of money , its lack of interest, as I said, a selection box for £1.50 would do ! At least it would show interest .
Rant over Angry

avocadotofu · 22/12/2019 09:19

Wow that's incredibly rude of her! I think you definitely did the right thing!!!

Snog · 22/12/2019 09:57

Well done OP
Aunt clearly doesn't need another new tea set and is acting like a spoilt child.
If she wants one that much she can always buy it herself.

sueelleker · 22/12/2019 10:11

It's probably lucky that your sister forewarned you-it gave you time to consider. If it had been sprung on you when your aunt arrived, you might not have been so prepared.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/12/2019 10:46

Awful behaviour, can’t believe she still expected her expensive gift!

Hopefully you can still return the item and get your money back.

MAFIL · 22/12/2019 10:46

Well done OP. You did the right thing. If your gift to her had been a scented candle or toiletry set I would probably have given it anyway, but a £400 gift set, no way. That was cheeky in the first place but for her not to even buy something small for the children and then expect a really expensive gift is ridiculously rude.
One of my DH's siblings is in some financial difficulties this year and has said they are only buying gifts for their parents. But that is fair enough as they have asked us not to buy for them either. Personally, given their circumstances I would happily have bought and not received, especially for their children, but having been directly asked not to I don't feel I should.
But either way, they have been polite, unlike your aunt who deserves all she doesn't get!

DrivingMsCrazy · 22/12/2019 10:48

@mrsshardlake I don't think the age of the Aunt has been mentioned? She could easily be in her 50s or 60s? Not necessarily "old" at all! And still a CF even if she's 102!

Wauden · 22/12/2019 12:46

tiddlerandtea I am still very nosy about the set collection thang every year and its puzzling me! So, she gets a whole new tea set every year. I totally understand collecting for example one or two items at a time and enjoying that. But a whole new set of several pieces, every year?!? Where does she put all these flippin sets?
Has she built an extension for them?!?
I need to know! Xmas Smile

Pinkyyy · 22/12/2019 12:56

I completely agree with your decision. She has been greedy and quite devious and honestly doesn't deserve such kindness.

Fr0g · 22/12/2019 13:09

OP, yanbu, but aren't you concerned that your aunt or cousins will read this thread and get even more upset.

I'd either be sending a link to this thread, or printing it and sending a hard copy.
Maybe a hard copy rolled up like a scroll in a mug from poundland.
Preferably a really tacky mug with unicorns on.

In a very posh gift box, or beautifully wrapped, maybe the size of the original guft to get her hopes up.

beautifulstranger101 · 22/12/2019 13:41

OP, yanbu, but aren't you concerned that your aunt or cousins will read this thread and get even more upset

Why would they get upset? According to them, they see nothing wrong with their actions. All OP has done is repeated what they did. Maybe being ashamed of what you've done is a good sign that you shouldnt have bloody done it in the first place! I hope they do see this- maybe this will teach them not to be so unbelievably selfish and rude to the people that care about them in the future....

DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh · 22/12/2019 14:32

I wouldn't expect a big pricey present, just a token.
It's not lack of money , its lack of interest

Exactly, Designer. Why are our kids less special than theirs? Stuff that for a bunch of bananas. When There was no birthday or Christmas gift the first year, then ours stopped, too.

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