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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Not doing presents' but still accepting gifts...

311 replies

tiddlerandtea · 21/12/2019 15:02

I have name changed as my aunts gift is very specific.

My aunt collects and loves Royal Albert Tea Sets. She asks for a particular style from my siblings and I every year and it's not always the full set but sometimes a style of tea pot or whatever.

This year she asked if all families would team up and buy her the Miranda Kerr for Royal Albert Tea set. We said yes and she asked for lists of gifts back for the families that roughly totaled the price we paid for the tea set.

That was fine.

I am the last house that she visits every year out of my siblings and I am the one who always presents her the gift and then leaves her home after. She turned up at my sisters house last night announcing that she wasn't doing gifts this year and my sister text me immediately to tell me.

She then came to my house and announced the same and while we were giving gifts to other family members who had arrived with her I purposely left her gift in another room ready to be returned Monday morning. My aunt said she was looking forward to showing everyone her new set and I said no, if she wasn't doing gifts she should have mentioned at the end of November when lists were being swapped instead of us spending a lot of money to receive nothing in return.

My cousin messaged me this morning to say that the whole thing was very embarrassing and we could have just handed the set over and decided that from now on we weren't doing gifts at all instead of 'punishing' my aunt as she is really really keen on the set. My siblings are all happy for the gift to be returned and us to all receive our money back.

I have apologised and said that I appreciate it was probably embarrassing but I am not handing out a £400 gift on behalf of my siblings and I when my aunt is coming with her arms the one length and fully willing to accept the gift. The money is better being shared back out and spent on our own families.

I am ready to be told I am unreasonable and it all sounds petty but I am sick to death of people claiming they aren't doing presents but not vocalising it with anyone else. It makes you look grabby and like a right old scrounge.

I also don't care about the 'act of giving'. People can say all day long it's about the feeling you get when someone opens a present they love but 9/10 it's just about keeping up appearances and being seen to play the Christmas game in my eyes.

OP posts:
Havaina · 21/12/2019 22:48

@VanyaHargreeves

Excellent! Did you send a card? Hope it also said sorry no gifts!

VanyaHargreeves · 21/12/2019 22:54

@Havaina

Nope, decided that the tradition is dying, and not environmentally friendly. Literally said to friend I was out with earlier that I was sick of this persons Yuletide Pretence Of Giving A Shit and that I wasn't going to play anymore and arrived home to phoney well wishings, so I win on both counts. Grin

Havaina · 21/12/2019 22:56

Glad you won against the CF Vanya it gives me yuletide joy!

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 21/12/2019 23:12

If she isnt buying gifts because lack of funds then YABU.
If she isnt buying because she is greedy then yanbu.

lynzpynz · 21/12/2019 23:19
  1. asking about gifts this year
  2. requesting extortionate gift from all nieces/nephews
  3. last minute turns up at house saying not doing gifts this year
  4. starts going on about how she's looking forward to showing off her gift.

Astonishing level of CFuckery! I'm all for give to receive but that's so entitled and then downright rude to give zero warning of changing the game!

So used to seeing folk being doormats on here but this was handled expertly and politely OP. Bravo, you deserve a cuppa from a v posey tea set Wink

Keeleypritchard1 · 21/12/2019 23:23

Tell her to go out and buy it her fucking self!
I love and have that set and it’s very expensive. I’ve collected it the past 2 years.
She sounds spoilt.

cherish123 · 21/12/2019 23:30

She was unbelievably rude. Etiquette dictates that if you receive a gift, you return the gesture with a gift. If she is not doing gifts, she should have told you in advance and should, therefore, not expect one in return.

Pemba · 21/12/2019 23:33

Why did you apologise to your cousin OP? She is the one that should be apologising on behalf of her CF mother! Reminds me of the thread about where the OP's neighbour's care worker accosted her and said she should be taking care of her neighbour for free - and the OP immediately apologised and only thought about it and got mad later!

It is female socialisation I suppose and CFs take advantage. You have done nothing to apologise for!

Bluerussian · 21/12/2019 23:34

Do you know why she has decided not to give presents this year?

christmasathome · 21/12/2019 23:53

This is so cheeky, i did the right thing. Given the cost and the fact she has specifically asked for it makes her incredibly cheeky. If you had just bought a token gift then i would have still given it but not a £400 gift!

YappityYapYap · 21/12/2019 23:59

We need to know how many siblings you have OP so we can work out what you were all nearly robbed of. This thread is potentially the best I've ever read and I still can't process the cheek of her!

Mumtotwo82 · 22/12/2019 00:05

What....so "I'm not doing gifts this year, oh except for me, I'm looking forward to receive a big expensive gift from you all" 😂 the cheek is so laughable. You deserve a pat on the back the way you handled it. It will be good family laugh for years to come at least.

Smelborp · 22/12/2019 00:12

Brilliant OP, that was a perfect response.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 22/12/2019 00:21

YANBU. Your aunt is a cheeky fucker. Good on you for calling her out. £400 is a lot to spend on an aunt in any case. I never got mine more than a box of chocs! Still, that’s not the point. You don’t unilaterally say you’re not buying presents but at the same time demand people buy you something expensive. Cheeky fuckery indeed.

MolnMal · 22/12/2019 06:01

The money she’s saved not buying anyone Christmas presents means she can buy it herself with that money!

She’s so cheeky. Glad you called her on it.

CasperGutman · 22/12/2019 06:27

YANBU. The only thing I might have done differently would have been to avoid the suggestion that I had the teaset but wouldn't be giving it to her. Instead I'd have said something a bit passive aggressive like that you'd heard just in time that she wasn't doing gifts this year, and you thought it was a fab idea as people spend so much money on presents others don't really need. Hopefully that would have got the message across without being too obviously confrontational.

WinterRose92 · 22/12/2019 06:43

Woah, that’s so rude of her!
Totally agree with you. Can’t believe she didn’t get anything but was still more than happy to take a hugely expensive gift!!

MalarkeyMouse · 22/12/2019 06:53

£400 Shock

TidaQuel · 22/12/2019 07:06

I think I’d have been tempted to wrap a box of chocolates or something in a box a similar size to the box she was expecting!

That’s CF on a whole new level.....

2 years ago, DH went to drop his sister and her families presents off, car piled high with presents for them and their 4 children. returned empty handed as they’d decided not exchange gifts that year! Didn’t think to tell us and happy to accept (although never a mutter of thanks)

CadburyFestiveFriends · 22/12/2019 07:19

I kept thinking about this post last night.

It’s so rare on MN that people stood up for themselves at the time, usually its reflective frustration of ‘I should have done/said X’ - I love that she was such an epic CF but you totally called her out on it and she got what she deserved 👍🏻🥳🎄

Every year my DM buys for my aunt, her two adult children (in their 40’s), their spouses abc their children (5 kids between them).
Every year DM receives one small gift from aunt with her adult kids and grandkids names signed on it by her 😂

Every year I tell her to sod the lot of them and leave it! But she won’t listen.

ohmyfuckinghell · 22/12/2019 07:22

Yanbu

Anything designed by Miranda Kerr is Envy anyway (not envy).

divafever99 · 22/12/2019 07:35

It's fine to say your not doing gifts anymore, due to financial pressures I have done this myself, but I made sure people knew in early October as I know some people like to shop early. So rude of her to turn up with nothing knowing full well you had all bought such an expensive gift. Well done op! Enjoy the money you get when it's taken back!

ShayAndBlueSeeker · 22/12/2019 07:39

They’re now on sale at House of Fraser Xmas Grin

OnlyYellowRoses · 22/12/2019 07:40

I'm actually really impressed that you kept it back and hypothetically told her where to go! So many people would have given it anyway and then been annoyed about it.
Go you 🙂 clearly made of stronger stuff OP

thickwoollytights · 22/12/2019 07:44

My aunt said she was looking forward to showing everyone her new set

I can't believe she expected to receive a gift after refusing to return the compliment

How old is she? Just wondering if something like dementia could be starting ??

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