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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make EX sort out his Xmas eve childcare issues.

70 replies

ThedishranawaywithOW · 21/12/2019 11:32

Long story short H left me for OW nearly a year ago. He then messed me around for months going back and forth between me and her whenever he had an argument with her. Till I realised he was playing me and since then we have just been civil and focus on the DCs.

He has seen the DCs regularly and he does pay a lot of maintenance for them.

When we were originally planning for Christmas he was with OW and he said that he was going to spend most of Christmas day with her family and just see us in the morning. His parents invited me and the DCs to spend Christmas with them (like we would usually do before H left me) and I accepted.
We decided that he would have the DCs on Christmas eve till 5pm while I am in work. Then he would bring them home and see them again Christmas morning.

Then a couple of weeks ago he and OW had an argument and he decided he wasn't spending Christmas with her family anymore. He told me how he really wanted to see more of the DCs at christmas he had been a idiot etc so we revised the plan. He was going to have them Christmas eve while I work and then bring them home but then he was going to stay and help set up for Christmas get the DCs ready for bed etc. Then he was going to come back early Christmas morning and come to ILs with us and spend the whole day with the DCs.
I told him not to tell the DCs till he was absolutely sure that this was his plan. He was insistent that this was his plan and he was focused on the DCs.

As the DCs have been asking about Christmas and he has been telling them how we will all spend the day together and all the fun things he will take them to do on Christmas eve while I'm working and the DCs are really excited about it all.

This morning he came to pick them up and told me he needs to chat. He and OW are back together his original Christmas plan was back on and he couldn't have the DCs for most of Christmas eve anymore and instead he will come to visit them around 6ish on the 24th instead. He also said that we could tell the DCs about the change of plan together when he brings them home later.

I said no, A. I'm working Christmas eve so if he is changing plans then he needs to find childcare. B. He has promised the DCs all these amazing Christmas eve plans. C. He is going to visit them right before bedtime wind them up and then leave them upset for me to deal with on Christmas eve when I will have loads of other things to sort. D. His parents have already bought food etc for Christmas day. I lost it and told him he is messing everyone around and causing everyone upset and he doesn't care. I told he that he can tell the DCs by himself because I'm fed up of having to pick up the pieces. He saw his arse said I was jealous and stormed out with the DCs.

He has since text me saying that his parents can't watch the DCs on Christmas eve and I will need to ask my dad. I messaged back saying No his mess he can sort it either he finds someone to watch them or he has to have them on Christmas eve he can contact my dad himself and ask if he wants but I'm not sorting it for him. He text back saying I was being deliberate awkward and he is just trying to make everyone happy. He also said that is the DCs who are losing out if I don't help him work something out. I haven't replied yet because quite frankly I am pissed off and I will probably say something I regret.

He is right I am being a bit awkward I could just message my dad or my brother or a mate to look after the DCs but I am so annoyed that he is expecting everyone to sort out his mess.

So AIBU to not sort out his Christmas eve mess. On the one hand its his mess that he has caused but on the other hand it's the DCs who should come first so I should really just suck it up for thier sake.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 21/12/2019 11:36

Your in work. He is their father so if he can’t look after them then it’s on him to sort something!

Needbettername · 21/12/2019 11:38

Leave it to him to sort.

RuggerHug · 21/12/2019 11:41

He doesn't have to make everyone happy, just the DCs he's mucking about.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 21/12/2019 11:41

Definitely leave it for him to sort. He has changed the plans, and is moving from his agreement to have them on Christmas Eve. So he needs to find childcare. He's just as much their parent as you.

strawberry2017 · 21/12/2019 11:42

Regardless of what happens over Xmas you need to see this for what it is and stop believing anything he says. He clearly can't be relied on and it's you that keeps having to pick up the pieces.
If I was you I'd ask your dad if he can help at least you know then if they are covered or not.
Enjoy your Christmas OP and make 2020 the year that you and the kids focus on yourselves and not dickhead dad who can't make up his mind!

ItsAHardKn0ckLife1 · 21/12/2019 11:42

YANBU

His responsibility to find childcare if he is unable to look after them himself. Selfish prat!

Teagoanngoanngoann · 21/12/2019 11:42

Hes an arse. Let him sort it. He cant pick up the children and then drop them like a hot potato when another offer comes around. You clearly told him this before he went spilling his guts to them about all his amazing Christmas plans.
You have every right to be angry. He is not trying to please everyone, hes trying to please himself. He is an adult and needs to realise that if he makes plans with kids then this is what they expect. Its horrible to be promised something and then let down.

Smashtastick · 21/12/2019 11:44

Your doing exactly right.
OW is probably kicking off at him about him prioritising his kids over her. What a catch he has there!

He can sort his own shit out.

millymoo1202 · 21/12/2019 11:47

Men are so predictable aren’t they? You certainly are not unreasonable, he has just shown what his priorities are! As others say I’d just sort out the childcare and make sure it never happens again and make 2020 is your year

katewhinesalot · 21/12/2019 11:47

All along he knew you were working and was going to cover that, even before the original plan was changed.
If he wants you to help him sort his mess out then he needs to be groveling to you, not getting arsey.

I agree it's his mess to sort but like you, would be thinking of the kids. Where would they have the best time? I'd be telling him he should be bloody grateful to you though, and more importantly he should be thinking of the kids disappointment.

Focus on the kids disappointment rather than your annoyance. That will likely hit home more.

KnightandDay · 21/12/2019 11:51

You're not wrong! He sounds like a gobshite and needs to step up.
Don't let him blackmail or bully you into sorting out his mess.

Techway · 21/12/2019 11:51

Is the change simply because of OW, not his work?

I think it is his issue to sort unless you think he will put the children at risk or they will have to meet OW..don't know if that has happened yet.

However what a arse??? Clearly thinks everyone should revolve around him. OW surely now must think "what have I got myself into".
Also wonder what her family must be thinking of her and him!!

slipperywhensparticus · 21/12/2019 11:51

I would ask someone if he drops the ball can they cover but not bother telling him that

Original poster

ThedishranawaywithOW · 21/12/2019 11:51

He is taking the DCs to do some of the fun Christmas eve things he promised today instead so he seems to think the DCs will be ok with it all. I think he is completely missing the point but he seems to think I am just jealous.

OP posts:

MagicMojito · 21/12/2019 11:52

Those poor bloody kids They should be his absolute priority. It unfair but your probably going to have to suck it up and spin it in a way so the kids are not upset. He's an arse but at least going forward you know what to expect. So sorry OP. Wishing you are your kids a Lovely Christmas and hopefully a better 2020 x

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/12/2019 11:55

God, he's a cruel Dad. He's not trying to keep everyone happy, just himself and his girlfriend. Leave him to it, if you don't let him learn his lesson he'll make the children your responsibility. Good luck.

Frozenfan2019 · 21/12/2019 11:55

He sounds like a horrible man. Really horrible. You are well rid OP. Sorry your kids have to put up with him.

I would agree with other posters it might be worth lining your dad up for their sakes but don't trust him again.

Original poster

ThedishranawaywithOW · 21/12/2019 11:57

He wouldn't tell me why he wanted to change Christmas eve which means the change is almost definitely because he is back with OW. It can't be work related because his work place closed yesterday and won't reopen till the new year.

The DCS love their dad and would prefer to spend the day with H doing the fun Christmas eve things they have been promised.

OP posts:

Annasgirl · 21/12/2019 11:57

OH OP, of course you are not being unreasonable. I am surprised you didn't lose it completely (I think there is a woman on MN who offers her patio in these scenarios).

I would leave it to him to sort out - he was supposed to have the DC and he made promises to them, it is his job to take care of them on that day - he is still their father, or does he not remember that when the OW is around??? And what woman would want a man who would put his DC out on Christmas Eve????

So, you do not need to sort this (although you may end up doing so as you want your DC to be happy, but really, you are at work and making them happy that day is HIS job, not yours).

Are you still going to his parents? I would, why should you change your plans just because he did? He sounds like a complete tool - you are well rid OP, but I'm afraid this is the future for you, picking up after his mess. Hopefully the DC will cotton on to him soon.

PizzaExpressWoking · 21/12/2019 11:58

Wow, he is an utterly shit father. Selfish, unreliable, useless, doesn't care about his kids' happiness.

YANBU to expect him to step up and remember that he actually has children and they are human beings who deserve decent treatment.

lovemenorca · 21/12/2019 12:00

If your children would love to spend time with your brother or dad - then go ahead and arrange.

Basically ask yourself what’s going to make the children happiest and if that means you boring yourself lip, then so be it

lovemenorca · 21/12/2019 12:00

“Biting your lip”

TheClausSeason · 21/12/2019 12:07

Crikey, what a git. I think you're doing the right thing not covering for him. Don't give him the chance to let the kids down like this next year.

Sotiredofthislife · 21/12/2019 12:18

Honestly, OP, you will be on your own with this shit. His prioritise are all wrong and he believes you are the only one responsible for the children. You might get him to pull his finger out this time or he might leave you high and dry. I would make sure going forwards that your back up plans have back up plans so your own commitments are never compromised. In my case, despite my ex seeing our children very regularly, he will sometimes take a holiday at very short notice or have a meeting he needs to attend. I therefore pay full time childcare that I don’t use so on the occasions he decides it’s not his problem, I can still work. This has proved easier for me from a stress perspective than regularly having to play the single mum card to get out of work early. It’s all kinds of wrong but makes sure I can keep providing for my family.

Jux · 21/12/2019 12:23

He's a grown up, he makes arrangements with his children then he keeps them.

Yeah, tell him straight.

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