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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make EX sort out his Xmas eve childcare issues.

70 replies

ThedishranawaywithOW · 21/12/2019 11:32

Long story short H left me for OW nearly a year ago. He then messed me around for months going back and forth between me and her whenever he had an argument with her. Till I realised he was playing me and since then we have just been civil and focus on the DCs.

He has seen the DCs regularly and he does pay a lot of maintenance for them.

When we were originally planning for Christmas he was with OW and he said that he was going to spend most of Christmas day with her family and just see us in the morning. His parents invited me and the DCs to spend Christmas with them (like we would usually do before H left me) and I accepted.
We decided that he would have the DCs on Christmas eve till 5pm while I am in work. Then he would bring them home and see them again Christmas morning.

Then a couple of weeks ago he and OW had an argument and he decided he wasn't spending Christmas with her family anymore. He told me how he really wanted to see more of the DCs at christmas he had been a idiot etc so we revised the plan. He was going to have them Christmas eve while I work and then bring them home but then he was going to stay and help set up for Christmas get the DCs ready for bed etc. Then he was going to come back early Christmas morning and come to ILs with us and spend the whole day with the DCs.
I told him not to tell the DCs till he was absolutely sure that this was his plan. He was insistent that this was his plan and he was focused on the DCs.

As the DCs have been asking about Christmas and he has been telling them how we will all spend the day together and all the fun things he will take them to do on Christmas eve while I'm working and the DCs are really excited about it all.

This morning he came to pick them up and told me he needs to chat. He and OW are back together his original Christmas plan was back on and he couldn't have the DCs for most of Christmas eve anymore and instead he will come to visit them around 6ish on the 24th instead. He also said that we could tell the DCs about the change of plan together when he brings them home later.

I said no, A. I'm working Christmas eve so if he is changing plans then he needs to find childcare. B. He has promised the DCs all these amazing Christmas eve plans. C. He is going to visit them right before bedtime wind them up and then leave them upset for me to deal with on Christmas eve when I will have loads of other things to sort. D. His parents have already bought food etc for Christmas day. I lost it and told him he is messing everyone around and causing everyone upset and he doesn't care. I told he that he can tell the DCs by himself because I'm fed up of having to pick up the pieces. He saw his arse said I was jealous and stormed out with the DCs.

He has since text me saying that his parents can't watch the DCs on Christmas eve and I will need to ask my dad. I messaged back saying No his mess he can sort it either he finds someone to watch them or he has to have them on Christmas eve he can contact my dad himself and ask if he wants but I'm not sorting it for him. He text back saying I was being deliberate awkward and he is just trying to make everyone happy. He also said that is the DCs who are losing out if I don't help him work something out. I haven't replied yet because quite frankly I am pissed off and I will probably say something I regret.

He is right I am being a bit awkward I could just message my dad or my brother or a mate to look after the DCs but I am so annoyed that he is expecting everyone to sort out his mess.

So AIBU to not sort out his Christmas eve mess. On the one hand its his mess that he has caused but on the other hand it's the DCs who should come first so I should really just suck it up for thier sake.

OP posts:
BozoBahHumbugScroogesItUp · 21/12/2019 12:24

Your poor kids. What an arsehole piss poor excuse of a father. I’d ask your father or something but not tell your ex what you’ve done. Tbh I’d be telling him not to visit at all on CE if he’s going to wind your dcs up just before bed.

Knewmee · 21/12/2019 12:24

What a complete and utter twat. You are entirely in the right.
Just wanted to say - there’s one piece of good news, which is that you are no longer with this appalling excuse for a man. OW must be deranged to want a man who behaves like this.
I would line up your dad for your kids’ sake, but your ex needs to know the disappointment he has caused to innocent children. His behaviour is rotten.
I hope you and your children have a happy Xmas.

APomInOz · 21/12/2019 12:25

You are strong and amazing, it isn't JUST about the kids, you have a say too. Your ex is narcissistic and a complete utter C (make of that as you will). You are doing what is right by you and the kids by being consistent.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/12/2019 12:25

You are being awkward, @ThedishranawaywithOW - and I applaud you for it! He is the one mucking up the arrangements so he needs to sort out the mess he caused.

You being ‘awkward’ this time may make him think twice before he messes up the arrangements another time.

Why should you be the one who bends over backwards to sort out his cock-up? To be blunt - fuck that shit!

SmileEachDay · 21/12/2019 12:29

OW is probably kicking off at him about him prioritising his kids over her. What a catch he has there!

Or we could lay the blame squarely at the door of the man who has caused this situation?

Decide what will make your kids happiest in the short term OP - then long term it might be good to have a more formal contact arrangement so he can’t just fuck around.

BlackCatSleeping · 21/12/2019 12:30

Jealous!?

Bwah, hah, hah!! Is he insane?

He needs to sort his own mess out himself. The only person he is trying to keep happy is himself. Twat!

Interestedwoman · 21/12/2019 12:31

Kind of YANBU. It is him who's caused the issue, and he should ring your dad or whatever.

countdowntochristmas · 21/12/2019 12:36

He's unreasonable, why can't he have his dc on Christmas Eve ? What sort of woman has made him cancel his plans with his dc on Christmas Eve . Tell him no again it's all planned and not changing this short notice .

flirtygirl · 21/12/2019 12:36

Yanbu and leave him to sort it.

But in the future do not change plans to suit him or be so accommodating to him. Do what's best for you and the children and don't give him space to change arrangements around.

He has shown that the children will come last and he doesn't care one jot if he messes you around. So woman up and don't let him be that way with you.

YappityYapYap · 21/12/2019 12:37

He needs to sort it. How are you jealous because you're working and he agreed to have the DC's and you're telling him to sort it? That's what you seem to kicking off about and rightly so. He's lumped you with having to find last minute childcare so he can swan about with his fancy piece and indulge in their farce of a relationship!

I agree with everyone else, he needs to sort it out. I have a feeling his parents have said no to make a stand about him messing everyone about perhaps? What's his reason that he can no longer have them Christmas eve day while you're working?

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 21/12/2019 12:39

Honestly what a cunt. DH and I don't have the perfect relationship and I don't always agree with him, we've had our ups and downs like most couples, BUT he prioritises DS above and beyond all else, as I do. If your ex can't even do that at Christmas he's a poor excuse for a human being.YANBU.

SmileEachDay · 21/12/2019 12:40

What sort of woman has made him cancel his plans with his dc on Christmas Eve

Again. Lay the blame where is should be.

Violetroselily · 21/12/2019 12:41

He sounds like a total fuckwit. YANBU at all, if he is going to mess everyone around changing plans every 5 minutes then he needs to sort out childcare.

I hope you and your children have a lovely Christmas

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/12/2019 12:42

What a selfish dick he is.
He's not trying to keep "everyone" happy, he's only thinking about himself and the OW.
Dick.
Hopefully his parents will tell him what's what as well.

YANBU about the childcare issues either, but I guarantee that his default option will be to dump them at yours and phone you to tell you they're there or something - something that makes it your problem to sort. I have no idea how these fathers' penises seem to destroy their problem-solving abilities once they find a new goal - but it seems a very common problem! So bad for the children Xmas Sad

countdowntochristmas · 21/12/2019 12:43

No blaming both but yeah he's a complete twat . I just mean if he's arranged plans with this woman I'd go no you've made plans with your dc unless he's not told her but where does she think they will be ? Sounds as thoughtless and as selfish as him .

MaButterface · 21/12/2019 12:44

What a dick. I hope you laughed in his face when he said you were jealous!

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2019 12:45

What a twat. Sorry you’re having to deal with this Flowers

You’re doing exactly the right thing and putting your foot down this might make him think twice next time he wants to dick around and expect you to clean up his mess. Don’t budge a single inch.

Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas · 21/12/2019 12:46

Why should the kids be passed on somewhere else when he is available to look after them on Christmas Eve?
BUT what will OP do when she needs to head to work on Christmas Eve and he just doesn't show up? Unless they are with him the night before, I don't see how this will work.

billy1966 · 21/12/2019 12:46

What a waste of space.

OP, you sound amazing.

Stick to your guns.
He is messing his children about.

He needs to sort it out.

What a prat doing this to his children.

Stay strong.
OW is welcome to him.

Whatsername177 · 21/12/2019 12:47

It gives me the rage that people like this exist. Both him and the OW. How dare they change plans last minute. He planned to see his kids. So he sees his kids. What is excuse for not being able to have them? Not that it matters. You are not being unreasonable. Urgh. I hate him and her and I don't even know them.

Cornettoninja · 21/12/2019 12:48

Jealous? Tell him you are jealous but not of the poor sap now subject to his pathetic version of manhood but of all the fathers who don’t treat their children like inconveniences.

l would also point out his children will remember occasions like this when he’s let them down and maturity will show them what a complete deadbeat he is. You sound like you still get on with his parents, they must be so ashamed of him.

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 21/12/2019 12:48

Was he always this selfish?

Cornettoninja · 21/12/2019 12:52

@SmileEachDay I completely agree with you but if there’s even a smattering of that being true i would add that as another reason why this man is a complete bellend who allows people like that to affect his children’s lives.

If he can’t stick up for his kids because of pressure from a woman who lets him get his dick wet occasionally then he doesn’t deserve a shred of respect from his children.

BoxedWine · 21/12/2019 12:53

Obviously YANBU.

That being said, it sounds like he's building up to refusing to have them on Christmas Eve so I think I would privately speak to your dad and see if he can be on stand by. And don't tell XP. Only reason is because it seems like he might leave you in the lurch and being right won't be any use if you then can't go into work.

Revolutionarymethodofchristmas · 21/12/2019 12:59

While you’re absolutely entitled and right to say that it’s his responsibility to organise childcare, is there a risk that he just won’t bother? If he doesn’t turn up to collect them or isn’t there when you drop them off you will be stuck. So I’d at least have your dad or brother on standby just in case, you don’t have to tell him.

It sounds as if you’ve been very accommodating of him so far in allowing him to still have family time whenever it suits him - it must be difficult for you. I would try to move away from that.

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