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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make EX sort out his Xmas eve childcare issues.

70 replies

ThedishranawaywithOW · 21/12/2019 11:32

Long story short H left me for OW nearly a year ago. He then messed me around for months going back and forth between me and her whenever he had an argument with her. Till I realised he was playing me and since then we have just been civil and focus on the DCs.

He has seen the DCs regularly and he does pay a lot of maintenance for them.

When we were originally planning for Christmas he was with OW and he said that he was going to spend most of Christmas day with her family and just see us in the morning. His parents invited me and the DCs to spend Christmas with them (like we would usually do before H left me) and I accepted.
We decided that he would have the DCs on Christmas eve till 5pm while I am in work. Then he would bring them home and see them again Christmas morning.

Then a couple of weeks ago he and OW had an argument and he decided he wasn't spending Christmas with her family anymore. He told me how he really wanted to see more of the DCs at christmas he had been a idiot etc so we revised the plan. He was going to have them Christmas eve while I work and then bring them home but then he was going to stay and help set up for Christmas get the DCs ready for bed etc. Then he was going to come back early Christmas morning and come to ILs with us and spend the whole day with the DCs.
I told him not to tell the DCs till he was absolutely sure that this was his plan. He was insistent that this was his plan and he was focused on the DCs.

As the DCs have been asking about Christmas and he has been telling them how we will all spend the day together and all the fun things he will take them to do on Christmas eve while I'm working and the DCs are really excited about it all.

This morning he came to pick them up and told me he needs to chat. He and OW are back together his original Christmas plan was back on and he couldn't have the DCs for most of Christmas eve anymore and instead he will come to visit them around 6ish on the 24th instead. He also said that we could tell the DCs about the change of plan together when he brings them home later.

I said no, A. I'm working Christmas eve so if he is changing plans then he needs to find childcare. B. He has promised the DCs all these amazing Christmas eve plans. C. He is going to visit them right before bedtime wind them up and then leave them upset for me to deal with on Christmas eve when I will have loads of other things to sort. D. His parents have already bought food etc for Christmas day. I lost it and told him he is messing everyone around and causing everyone upset and he doesn't care. I told he that he can tell the DCs by himself because I'm fed up of having to pick up the pieces. He saw his arse said I was jealous and stormed out with the DCs.

He has since text me saying that his parents can't watch the DCs on Christmas eve and I will need to ask my dad. I messaged back saying No his mess he can sort it either he finds someone to watch them or he has to have them on Christmas eve he can contact my dad himself and ask if he wants but I'm not sorting it for him. He text back saying I was being deliberate awkward and he is just trying to make everyone happy. He also said that is the DCs who are losing out if I don't help him work something out. I haven't replied yet because quite frankly I am pissed off and I will probably say something I regret.

He is right I am being a bit awkward I could just message my dad or my brother or a mate to look after the DCs but I am so annoyed that he is expecting everyone to sort out his mess.

So AIBU to not sort out his Christmas eve mess. On the one hand its his mess that he has caused but on the other hand it's the DCs who should come first so I should really just suck it up for thier sake.

OP posts:

NeverTwerkNaked · 21/12/2019 12:59

He is being totally unreasonable. And am astonished OW can't see that either.

However, the children in the middle of this deserve a nice Christmas Eve and you deserve to know that you can get to work without stress, so I would quietly arrange a back up plan

Deelish75 · 21/12/2019 13:14

Yanbu. Your ex is a selfish nasty cunt who probably thinks the world owes him. Not sure how old your DC are but they're not stupid, they will see through him and it will affect their relationship, not that he'll ever take any responsibility for it - it's always the fault of others.
As pp has suggested maybe try to get back up childcare in place so he can't leave you in the lurch.

diddl · 21/12/2019 13:18

I don't even see how you are being awkward tbh.

You are working on Christmas Eve & he isn't-so him having his own kids isn't even a big deal!

Nothing has changed, but he cba.

And no way would I have wanted to be at his parents with him!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/12/2019 13:24

He sounds awful. You've already been more than accommodating letting him change the plans and now he's trying to make you fit in with his change of plans again.

Leave it to him to sort out, I really hope he will. I can't imagine any woman - even an OW who wants to make her stamp - letting a father mess up his children's plans like this.

Waveysnail · 21/12/2019 13:25

Assuming kids have met his gf. Why cant he have the kids when he is with her?

donquixotedelamancha · 21/12/2019 13:31

God, he's a cruel Dad. He's not trying to keep everyone happy, just himself and his girlfriend.

This. You need to stop trying to accommodate him and stop playing happy families. Get regular contact arrangements in place and if he messes them around go to court to get it set in stone.

Do not engage about any other aspects of either of your lives- your only link now is the kids. He will continue to use you unless you stop allowing it- I'm so sorry, but it turns out he was a cunt all along.

Drabarni · 21/12/2019 13:44

You can't trust him and the happy family together stuff went when he left for OW.
Just get on with what you are doing and if necessary drop them off at his before you go to work, don't include him in your plans anymore, he's your ex. It's time he grew up and managed his own responsibilities, you have to.

Fcukthisshit · 21/12/2019 13:51

Although I agree with you, I think you might need to back down and organise the childcare. I do however think it should be down to him and him alone to tell the kids on his own. He sounds like a ratbag but rest assured it’s things like this that the kid will remember when they’re older x

AnneElliott · 21/12/2019 13:56

What is it with these men! And it is men before I get told women do this too. Why on earth do they have kids if they're going to treat them as an inconvenience?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 21/12/2019 13:59

While you’re absolutely entitled and right to say that it’s his responsibility to organise childcare, is there a risk that he just won’t bother?

There's every chance. In fact I'd say it's pretty much guaranteed. The man suits himself and doesn't give a second thought to anyone.

You are separated now, OP. You need to act separated. You are an adult who is confused and upset by his mixed signals, imagine the hurt and confusion he is causing your children. You spent Christmas with his family when you were together. You're no longer together, so that needs to change.

Planning lovely "family days" together can't happen anymore. You're no longer a united family. Even more so now that he has proven he'll drop you all if a better offer comes along.

You are separated.
Act separated.
Keep your personal lives separate.
Expect nothing from him.
Don't depend on him.
Always have a backup plan, because you will need it more often than you won't.
You are a single mother now.
Assume you have no support from the dad. Because you don't.

bluebella4 · 21/12/2019 14:09

What an arse hole! Leave it to him. When HE changes the plans, it's up to him to sort it. He's keeping himself and OW happy NOT his kids. Sorry but I feel very frustrated for you!!

Winter2020 · 21/12/2019 14:14

Well he certainly made sure that there was no chance of him spending any of Christmas day on his own.

What you want to do is make him step up (but that is pretty much impossible) and if not make him sorry (again pretty difficult) but if you choose to protect your children from realising what an utter selfish shit their dad is then that is when single parents are heroes.

I suggest if your dad is able to have the children your tell ex to give you £100 for their entertainment for the day as he has promised them a special day and then tell the kids "Grandad has asked if he can take you to xxxxx and he's really excited about it..."

BumbleBeee69 · 21/12/2019 14:17

what a prize Prick.. the only person he is pleasing is the OW.

let him sort this mess out OP.

MrsWhites · 21/12/2019 14:37

I would also be concerned that he just won’t turn up on Christmas Eve morning to collect them and then you will be stuck for work.

I think it’s admirable that you have tried so hard to be civil with him for the sake of your children but I think you have slightly made a rod for your own back by being so accommodating with him for Christmas plan b (i.e, him spending the evening with you etc). The problem is he know expects you to be this accommodating again! YANBU to expect him to sort it out for himself now though, he is essentially choosing the OW over his own children!

Original poster

ThedishranawaywithOW · 21/12/2019 14:39

H text me saying he had to tell the DCs he wasn't seeing them on Christmas eve because the eldest wanted to know why they were doing some of his promised Christmas eve plans today rather than on the 24th.

I have called my dad and asked him to be the back-up just in case H doesn't sort anything out. I won't tell Ex I have a back-up just in case.

H was never this selfish when we were together which in a way makes it worse he used to love christmas eve with the DCs he would make sure the focus was totally on them and he loved all the little traditions. Its honestly like he is a totally different man compared to last year.

We will still be going to his parents for christmas day. PILs invited us months ago before H started changing his plans around

OP posts:

AngelicInnocent · 21/12/2019 14:45

Whilst I completely agree it is his problem to sort, I would be worried about a no show or him making the DC miserable if he is forced to have them. I would go with what Winter2020 said.

I would also suggest that you are there when he tells DC or he may well tell them he wants to see them on Xmas eve evening and help them get ready for Santa but mummy says he's not allowed.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 21/12/2019 14:58

Leave him to figure out childcare.
The jealous comment is laughable. Some men really don't see how immature, selfish and useless they are. What a waste of space.

SpotlessMind · 21/12/2019 14:58

It’s just so disappointing when someone you thought you knew turns this way, it happens so often. He says he’s trying to keep everyone happy but when you’re a parent it is your job to look after the best interests of your children first and foremost, and if you can’t rise to that challenge on Christmas Eve of all days then there really is no hope. As shitty as it is, at least now he has shown you his true colours and you know not to expect him to act honourably anymore. I hope he falls out with OW again and ends up alone on Christmas Eve and that you and your children can enjoy your time together.

BlackCatSleeping · 21/12/2019 15:21

I'd just ignore his texts. I would talk to the kids and explain factually that he wont show and just send them to your dads. He's an utter arsehole. I'm sorry he did this to the kids.

ASimpleLampoon · 21/12/2019 15:39

Yanbu. Don't you dare rescue him OP! His mess to sort out and maybe he will learn.

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