To start saying no.

[Notwavingimdrowning]

I don’t post very often but when I do it is always about the same things so I hope some of you recognise my username and remember the history between myself and DIL.
I have been looking after dgs on a regular basis at least a couple of times a week when my DIL went back to work after maternity leave. This has included overnight stays as she works shifts, as I do and my ds is away till after Christmas. Child care is split between us, her parents and nursery depending on all of our work schedules, I also look after Dgs when she has appointments, or want she to go out etc all of which I am very happy to do and is not an issue but is just for context. The only time I ever hear from DIL at all is to arrange for me to look after Dgs and I’m really starting to feel like an unpaid babysitter rather than a grandparent. For instance I will receive a txt that says here is my rota can you send me yours so I can work out child care this month, or can you have DGS for a few hours so I can go out with my friends, thanks. All fine and I will rearrange plans etc so have never said no. DGS birthday recently and if I hadn’t asked to go and drop his gift off I wouldn’t have been aware that she had organised a party tea at home with her family as none of us were invited. Slightly awkward and hurtful but not unexpected. With my son away, I will txt ( have been asked not to ring in case she is busy/ DGS is asleep, even though I’ve probably only tried ringing perhaps 5 times in the past few years) to see if she is ok or needs anything and these txts are ignored, (you can see they have been read), until she needs me to babysit then she will respond to the previous txt that may have been sent days ago in order to ask if I’m free to have DGS rude but still ok and I don’t worry about it.
I have just received a text that says what are you working over Christmas as I only have Xmas day off so I am staying at my parents house, I could bring him round and leave him with you Boxing Day so that I can have a few hours sleep before work ? She has had my work schedule for over a month and therefore knows I will be at work, so that’s not possible and it was purely to let me know she won’t be bringing him round Christmas morning as was planned. Her parents are about a 5 minutes drive from us so not really that inconvenient to spare us an hour on Christmas morning, but ok I’m upset but her choice. I’m also at work right up until New Years Eve but working New Years Day. I then received another text to say will I babysit on New Years Eve as I’m off and her parents are going out. AIBU to say actually no, I’m not free, even though I am, but at work early the next day. This means that I won’t see Gs over the festive period at all. My DH thinks I’m cutting my nose off to spite my face in not having him and we could have our Christmas with him then, but I feel like a babysitter and that if she cannot even spare us an hour on Christmas Day, when we won’t see him any other time, then why should I drop everything like I always do so that she can go out. I’m really torn as I adore Dgs and have always had him willingly and happily, but it is literally the only time that she contacts us. I’m sick of feeling like a childminder at her beck and call but also know that if I stop looking after him when she wants us to, I will never see him at all.

Good for you, sending the text. I'd just sit back and wait for her response now.

Your son does sound like he is enabling her with the behaviour and like he says she is entitled to her own feelings etc. But does he think you don't.

It's very sad and beyond me why she refuses to engage with you. To go to the point of ignoring you.

It would help if you knew her reasons for this as this is beyond how you would treat someone you barely know. If you passed your window cleaner in the street you'd say hi even though you don't see them from one month to the next and have minimal contact with them.

I think a chat with your son and her when he's home together. To try to get to the bottom of it.

I dont really see looking after your grandchild as babysitting honestly, they are an extension of your children and you should want to be involved (sounds like you are but I find it odd that people are making it out as wrong or unusual).

Yes it might seem rude that she not being much more friendly but honestly you aren't friends and you aren't a friend she's asking to 'babysit' for her rather she is asking you to spend a day/night your child's child because your child (who should be sharing that responsibility) can't.

You might not be drinking tea and gossiping together but you are cordial and get to see your grandchild regularly - you stand to lose much more that she does if you pick a fight over this insecurity.

@JaJoJe I really do understand your point and thank you for your reply. I know that we will never be friends, but it is so much more than that. DIL completely excludes our family in every aspect of DGS’s life, unless she is stuck for someone to babysit. Then and only then, will she text to see if I will look after DGS. I try very hard not to see myself as a babysitter for DGS but that is how she makes feel. Another example, as well as excluding us from the birthday tea and Christmas, DGS has had baby swimming classes for over 6 months and although I have asked if I could go and watch at some point, I was told no because her mum goes every week and wouldn’t miss it for the world. ( they are only allowed 1 spectator)
The Christmas cards that she has made using DGS foot print ( seen on f/b) not for us but for her family. Small, minor and petty I know but put together with everything else, is just hurtful and I can’t help feeling excluded.
I still haven’t had a reply to the text asking to stick to what was already planned for Christmas morning and I’m not really expecting one as she doesn’t need me to look after DGS until NYE. I haven’t replied to that so I suspect that she will get Christmas Day over then ask me again so she doesn’t have to respond to that text. These are just small examples of the many, many things that have happened over the years and that I have written about in previous posts.

Yes you're being made a mug of. Your son too, can only work away because you are on tap to help bring up his child. He's as much to blame. If they can't manage without you they both need to rethink their careers. Not your responsibility.
And you shouldn't have to 'want' to be involved. I don't want to spend my retirement childminding. Childcare can be boring, tying and monotonous, GC or not. My DM said no many a time so we paid for childcare. Things won't change however, if you don't make different choices. And if you think you won't see your GC because of that then your DS is despicable.

If she doesn’t reply to you until after Christmas Day then I wouldn’t reply to her until after NYE.
Not only is she a CF but her behaviour is unbelievably hurtful.
She won’t cut you off as she needs you to babysit and let’s face it, ignoring this one request won’t make your relationship any worse. I can’t believe her own mum doesn’t pull her up on it, my dm would have expected my dh family at family events and would have had a chat with me about acceptable behaviour if I told her I had purposely excluded them despite using them when I needed them. She is incredibly rude and your DS needs to step up and speak to her.
You sound lovely op and I’m so sorry you are being treated this way

What did your text say?

When is your ds back?

It sounds like there has been a lot of water under the bridge to get to this point.

I thinks it's lovely that you can help when your ds is deployed. It also means that you can see your dgs. If it doesn't suit you say no, your dil will make alternative arrangements.

If your dil doesn't respond until after 25th then (truth be told), I probably wouldn't respond until after NYE. However, this is not going to improve communication or your relationship.

show your son this thread when he gets home and tell him that in the time he is at home you expect to be treated like a grandparent and that he is to facilitate that.

If he's not interested... you'll have to decide if your desire to see your DGS is greater than the hurt you're feeling about how you're being treated.

Don't babysit on NYE though.

Does your son make an effort with her family. There is no way of knowing what their private agreement is for keeping their own sides involved. Why do you not hold your son accountable for anything

You're not being unreasonable at all. It must hurt a lot for her to treat you like this. What does your DS say about this treatment? Does it change when he's home?

Mummyway makes a really good point. One of my bils attends events however is on his phone the entire time and barely interacts.

Cut down on the babysitting and don't do New Year's Eve. Start saying No a lot.

Wow. Your latest post is incredibly sad and wrong. What a fucking cow your DIL is, frankly. You're being used and your son is letting her. You would never see them at all if she didn't need free childcare, that much is obvious. She can be thoughtful ... to everyone except you ... and you save her a buttload of money. She's just awful.

I'm sorry, OP. But I do think you need to have serious words with your son about this disparity in treatment which he is implicitly condoning. And stop providing the childcare until things change.

I think the type of behaviour your dil is displaying is learnt to a certain extent. It's telling that her parents didn't think anything of you not being invited to the birthday party. I used to know someone who did similar to her in-laws & her mum did the same to her in laws. At her wedding only her mum's family were invited and not her dad's. Your dil sounds like a very selfish and insular person. You really do need to speak to your son about this, show him this thread so he can read everyone's comments.

Please be my MIL

Mine won’t leave me or my kids alone!!

What happened on Christmas day OP??

@user1494055864 sadly we didn’t get a response to the txt I sent so we haven’t seen dgs over Christmas.
@mummyway I absolutely, completely hold ds equally responsible and accountable for this behaviour and I wish he would stand up for us more. This behaviour is mostly directed towards me but does include all of our side of the family at times. There are many instances of selfishness from both of them that I have posted about and I know they have had many arguments about me and how she behaves towards my side of the family, however I don’t want to cause them any trouble within their relationship. I don’t want to be the cause of their arguments so I have let too many things slide and bit my tongue probably too often and I know that I appear to be a bit of a doormat to her, when in reality it's just that I don’t say anything to keep the peace. I have tried many times to have conversations with both of them, together and separately. It’s difficult to articulate but basically I do not interfere in their lives and wouldn’t dream of telling them how they should behave, but it has come to a point now that they have dgs that things do need to change if they expect me to look after dgs( which I am delighted to do) but if that is to be my only involvement in their lives and all that I am good for then I’m no longer prepared to change plans / drop everything in order to be available when they need a babysitter. The flip side to this of course is that I don’t get to see dgs at all and there is a fine line that I have to tread very carefully .

This is so sad OP. She is a bloody cow and I would leave son out of my will for enabling this behaviour!

Do you know the root cause of her behaviour? And why DS doesn't stand up to her?

What did your text about Christmas say?

You can say no to looking after your DGC but you will see them a lot less as a result. Maybe your dd can include you more when he's on leave?

It seems like there is a lot of water under the bridge and the other party isn't in the same place as you (and they don't have to be). This is one perspective and we don't know what your ds and Dil would say about this situation.

I don't think it's my place to facilitate a relationship between my DGC and my ILs. I'm happy to make some arrangements because my DH is lazy and thoughtless about such things however he is mostly responsible. We are on friendly terms but I don't necessarily want to socialise with them. They haven't provided any childcare support but picking up DC from nursery was like a military operation. I have to rush to get evening meals, baths and finish work. If I have a spare 10 mins I'd love a soak in the bath or to read in bed.

Don't show them this thread unless you want to sever all ties. You and your dil don't get on and where you draw the line in the sand is up to you. You'll be seeing less of your DGC in future.

Do you think that your dil could have seen this thread? The scenario is quite specific even though names aren't mentioned so potentially identitying.

She sounds like a complete bitch if I'm honest. The card thing is outrageous. How hard would it be do do a card for you.

What's the back story here? You say you have post before?

My sil was a bit like this with my parents. My parent hardly ever saw the dcs and NEVER baby sat
8 years ago dB and sil split up ( mostly due to her temper and behaviour) and now my parents see dc all the time.

Karma.

I couldn't put up with this. I'd see much less if dgs but that would be it. She'll need you more than you need her. Step well back. She is one horrible cow.

Oh OP I really feel bad for you. I can't believe she didn't pop round on Xmas days that's disgraceful.

You need to get your son involved in resolving this, he may not even know you sent a text to her?

Good idea from Paranoid mum regarding cutting your son & dil out of your will. My neighbour did this as their dil treated them the same as yours. My neighbour left everything to their adult dgc who then moved away from their own parents & now rarely see them. Karma

Leave everything to your grandchildren op not your son so your dil doesn't benefit from your money.

I'm so sorry OP, what did you decide about NYE? I expect she has tried to contact you now Christmas day is over.