To start saying no.

[Notwavingimdrowning]

I don’t post very often but when I do it is always about the same things so I hope some of you recognise my username and remember the history between myself and DIL.
I have been looking after dgs on a regular basis at least a couple of times a week when my DIL went back to work after maternity leave. This has included overnight stays as she works shifts, as I do and my ds is away till after Christmas. Child care is split between us, her parents and nursery depending on all of our work schedules, I also look after Dgs when she has appointments, or want she to go out etc all of which I am very happy to do and is not an issue but is just for context. The only time I ever hear from DIL at all is to arrange for me to look after Dgs and I’m really starting to feel like an unpaid babysitter rather than a grandparent. For instance I will receive a txt that says here is my rota can you send me yours so I can work out child care this month, or can you have DGS for a few hours so I can go out with my friends, thanks. All fine and I will rearrange plans etc so have never said no. DGS birthday recently and if I hadn’t asked to go and drop his gift off I wouldn’t have been aware that she had organised a party tea at home with her family as none of us were invited. Slightly awkward and hurtful but not unexpected. With my son away, I will txt ( have been asked not to ring in case she is busy/ DGS is asleep, even though I’ve probably only tried ringing perhaps 5 times in the past few years) to see if she is ok or needs anything and these txts are ignored, (you can see they have been read), until she needs me to babysit then she will respond to the previous txt that may have been sent days ago in order to ask if I’m free to have DGS rude but still ok and I don’t worry about it.
I have just received a text that says what are you working over Christmas as I only have Xmas day off so I am staying at my parents house, I could bring him round and leave him with you Boxing Day so that I can have a few hours sleep before work ? She has had my work schedule for over a month and therefore knows I will be at work, so that’s not possible and it was purely to let me know she won’t be bringing him round Christmas morning as was planned. Her parents are about a 5 minutes drive from us so not really that inconvenient to spare us an hour on Christmas morning, but ok I’m upset but her choice. I’m also at work right up until New Years Eve but working New Years Day. I then received another text to say will I babysit on New Years Eve as I’m off and her parents are going out. AIBU to say actually no, I’m not free, even though I am, but at work early the next day. This means that I won’t see Gs over the festive period at all. My DH thinks I’m cutting my nose off to spite my face in not having him and we could have our Christmas with him then, but I feel like a babysitter and that if she cannot even spare us an hour on Christmas Day, when we won’t see him any other time, then why should I drop everything like I always do so that she can go out. I’m really torn as I adore Dgs and have always had him willingly and happily, but it is literally the only time that she contacts us. I’m sick of feeling like a childminder at her beck and call but also know that if I stop looking after him when she wants us to, I will never see him at all.

@ treeswayer you are absolutely right. She never stays or chats, literally just gives instructions, such as he hasn’t had his breakfast or I haven’t changed him, she drops him off at 6.15 am so he’s just lifted out of bed and brought to us and the same when she picks him up after a 12 hour day. I understand that she is tired, I’ve offered to make her tea so she doesn’t have to cook when she gets in, offered to plate it so she doesn’t have to stay etc but it’s always refused and that’s ok the offer is there anyway. I’m not making excuses for DS at all as I think he allows this too and always has a defence or excuse ready. His stock answer now is that he can’t force her to do anything. We won’t get a card or present till DS is home in January as he has said he can’t expect her to sort everything out when he is away. I’m not bothered about not receiving a gift at all, it’s just the sentiment that it conveys and clearly shows that she doesn’t give us a second thought.

Well - I would point out that you're not doing the looking after FOR HER - your are doing it for her AND YOUR SON.

So - how do you treat her in terms of her role? Would she come on her and say my MIL expects me to do all the childcare and all the housework and doesn't expect her golden child son to do anything? Is there any kind of dynamic there?

I'd suggest just having a really careful think about why she might dislike you.

If - after you're really honest with yourself - there's none of this then she's got some massive issues.

My sister is awful and I had to deal with her terrible behaviour for years and years just so I could see my nieces and nephews. Now they're older I've gone very low contact with her. She actually is now treating me a bit better and I wonder if I had tried to set more boundaries earlier if she would have changed - but her threat was always she would stop me seeing them and I didn't want to risk that. In retrospect I'm glad I didnt risk it because it meant that I got to be a proper part of their lives while they're little so I have really close relationships with me.

I think your heart will break if you don't see GS over the festive period. To be honest - I wouldn't take the risk and Id suck it up. Once he's older you will have a separate relationship with him and be able to organise to see him on your own. I whatsapp my nieces and nephews all the time now and my sisters totally out of the loop - was worth the 13 years of torture....

I think she needs to back the feck up and get a reality check. It's not acceptable to treat grandparents like babysitters. Never be afraid to say no, especially if you're not getting paid.

Where’s your son in all this?

You sound like a lovely grandmother.

I should have said - if she is really awful you GS will need a role model of how women can be nice as well. Something else to comfort yourself with as you put up with her awfulness

I would do exactly as @FFSFFSFFS has done. I would probably be a bit crafty and doctor my rota to ensure I wasn't available at particular points if likely to be busy/tired etc. I also don't think your DIL will totally cut you off for the odd 'no' because she relies on you for free childcare however, I would try to see your DGS over Christmas because it doesn't sound like she'll want you turning up with presents on Christmas Day.

Have you spoken to your son about any of this? I do have to say she sounds very rude indeed and incredibly ungrateful.

Say No sometimes. Take it in your own hands. Does she let you know her work rota too? If so, maybe take initiative to ask to play with your DGS (instead of saying babysitting) when she is not free but make it thst sometimes when she asks, you can say No. You should readjust the arrangement. Don't make it a babysitting arrangement because you resent being a free babysitter anyway but make it that you want to bond with your DGS. BUT remember to say no sometimes. You do not have to always work to her needs.

Can you reply and say ‘No, Nothing changed... still working Boxing Day I’m afraid. Can we stick to our plan of a quick visit on Christmas Day please?’ And wait to see how she responds before you decide on New Year’s Eve?

Don't send your rota over, ask her to send her rota and you decide which days you're free. Or if this is too bold a step then alter your rota or say you're working extra shifts to cover illness.

Slowly start to put boundaries in place, don't change your plans to fit in with hers. NYE you have plans with your friends and you're going out or coming down with d&v. Just say 'it doesn't work for me'. When is she actually going to parent her child? If she's not working long shifts, she's dumping him with someone to babysit so she can go out.

I’m normally all for assertiveness and open communication, but in your case I’d just suck it up. I really fear that you’d hardly see your grandchild if you stand up for yourself. Bide your time until they are old enough to have an independent relationship with you.

I’ve got boys. I fear I will be in your position one day

Info : where is / what does your son do in all this? Does he organise childcare/ get involved?

I was in similar situation with dn , since I said I couldn't do it I've hardly seen sil . Never again , it winds me up so much that they didn't take into consideration that they would need proper childcare for the baby and they couldn't drop him to family and not have to pay for it.

If you want to see grandson on Xmas day then tell her boxing day doesn't work and you would like to stick the the previous plan of seeing him Xmas day.
New years eve is up to you.
With regards to that being the only times she contacts you, I don't know the history but clearly she doesn't want a relationship with you and so you can't force it. She is however still happy for you to have a relationship with her son, your grandson. You babysit because you want to spend time with him. Not because you want a relationship with her.

Thanks sounds very difficult. Your relationship is poor and your dil has clearly drawn a line and doesn't want the type of relationship you do. There are two sides to every story so I wouldn't say she is a CF.

ILs have never provided childcare or babysitting and DH has an difficult relationship with them. As a result, they have lost out on a closer relationship with their GC. You will see dgs less if you don't help as often and you are likely to grow more distant. You and your dil don't like each other so I'm not sure how you can repair a more friendly relationship. I think a suggestion of incremental steps suggested might be a good way to go.

I would keep your New Year plan and have a free night. You need to have conversation with your ds and Dil when he returns about your future duties and any reduction.

I also think it would be ok to send a text to say you'd love to see dgs over Christmas and are free xyz and ABC.

When is she actually going to parent her child? If she's not working long shifts, she's dumping him with someone to babysit so she can go out.. Wtaf? What fecking year is it? When is op's DS going to parent his DC? He is currently dumping HIS responsibilities on his DW and DM.

Technicalseargentgarp DS is currently deployed overseas for 6 months so is not able to be here. He is very hands on when home not only with childcare but with housework etc. He is by no means the golden child and I hold him responsible for the way he allows her to behave too. DIL is a great mother and is fantastic with DGS but is also entitled to have a life outside of being a mother. I am happy to help with that just resent that she feels that that should be the total of our involvement with DGS. We are never going to have a great relationship with her and I understand that we don’t always get on with everyone we meet. I have asked about whether we can stick to what was planned with Christmas Day but as yet no response.

I'm sorry to say that she has you over a barrel and I don't think it will end well. Your DS really needs to step up and facilitate a relationship between you and his DC taking childcare out of the equation.

In 2020 I would be much less available, or at least available on your terms and not hers. Starting with this latest request.

Just because you're not working on NYE doesn't mean you're not necessarily busy. You are allowed a life. Make plans now to meet friends.

I hold him responsible for the way he allows her to behave too. For whatever reason she doesn't want the same kind of relationship with you that you'd like. It must be hurtful and frustrating to be in a different place. You sound understanding and supportive if how hard it must be to be on her own for 6 months. Send that message to her. Something like "Just a note to say we know it must be tough to spend the time when ds is deployed on your own with dgs. I wanted to let you are a great mother and are fantastic with DGS. Merry Christmas". It's a nice communication, not about childcare. It may not be well received but it's a start at better communication and shows you do have positive feelings about her so she may not be so defensive.

She is entitled to have a life outside of being a mother.

I keep a friendly tone to my relationship with my ILs however, I don't want to be friends. It's been difficult to see them take such an active part helping with other GC and see my dc a few times a year. It's between them and DH though. Playing devil's advocate, if things changed I'd want to keep things business like too, albeit I'd never walk past them in the street and would stop and say hello.

I would take a step back from anyone who openly didn't like me and thought I was only good enough to provide free childcare. And I would be very disappointed and angry with my own child for allowing their partner to treat me in this manner. Especially since you do so much for them.

I would tell your DS how you feel and say no to New Year’s Eve. If she’s working, fair enough have DSG but if it’s just to go out with her friends and she’s not making any effort with you - say no. You need to put a stop to it or else she’ll just carry on. Start saying no and she might start to question why if she has any empathy what so ever.

It sounds as though you are in an impossible situation and I really feel for you. Your DIL does sound very thoughtless and difficult, and things are even more tricky with your DS being away for long periods.

In your situation though, I think I would just put up with it so that I could continue to have a relationship with DS and DGC. Your DIL really could make it impossible for them to see you. Best of luck

As other people of said, you probably need to speak to her. She is very lucky - as I was with my own mum doing all the things you do for your family. HOWEVER, I never asked when I just needed sleep, when I was out with my girlfriend or whe I just needed a break. It was strictly a I had to work thing. She very lucky to have a MIL like you and your son and grandchild are too, however boundaries are needed in all relationships.

She’s so lucky. My husband and I have a little 4 month old boy and both sets of parents live about 500 miles away. We have no family help.

If I had a mother in law like you, I certainly wouldn’t be taking you for granted like she seems to he doing to you.