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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DC having no relationship with "half" siblings.

73 replies

Greenbathtowels · 20/12/2019 22:17

Myself and DP have one child together and one of the way. DP has 2 older children from past relationship (one in their 20's and one in mid-late teens, so neither are 'children').

Issue is DP's older kids refuse to have anything to do with our child. In all honesty, I don't know why, but what I do know is that DP has been bit of a Disney parent since splitting up with his EX (about 8 years ago) so I have noticed that at times he's little more than a cash machine, taxi driver etc to them, and often doesn't hear back from them unless they want something. I don't approve but don't get involed either! Important to point out, since my DD has been born it hasn't affected their relationship with their father at all, as I know this could totally be something that could cause resentment, if anything DP has missed out on a lot of DD's milestones so far because of time exclusively spent with other kids. Also his other kids have two siblings from their mother, who aren't their fathers children who they have a good a relationship with as they do each other. So it's not like they see "half-siblings" as a lesser.

So, AIBU to think that DP shouldn't be as laid back about is as what he is? Basically he's tried to introduce and incourage a relationship, so have both met DD but aren't interested. I know if it was a close family member of mine that I wouldn't be OK with them totally having rejected my child, but I also get they're his kids too. But should he be doing more about it?

OP posts:

Livelovebehappy · 20/12/2019 22:37

There’s obviously a reason behind them not wanting a relationship with you/DCs, with them having a relationship with their other half siblings. It’s a case I guess of just accepting the situation and just focus on the people you do have in your life. Had your DSC been younger I would probably say your DH should try to encourage a relationship but they are older and I think it’s going to be really difficult if they’ve made a decision to not want to be involved in your life. At least they appear to have a good relationship with your DH.

BaronessBomburst · 20/12/2019 22:46

Presumably they live with their mother and spent more time with their other half siblings, hence a relationship has developed.
Young children aren't interesting to teenagers so having spent less time with their father they haven't developed a relationship with your DC.
It's more a reflection of their relationship with their father.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 20/12/2019 22:53

But should he be doing more about it?

Well yes but, years ago. It’s a bit late now. This is the relationship he created with them. He can’t expect them to suddenly be interested in his new child when he Disney dadded them for the last 8 years. He has set the example for how relationships with him and his family should be. They’re just following his lead.

Also, tbh, is he actually bothered that they don’t see your child? Or is it just you?

Enoughisenoughhhhh · 20/12/2019 22:53

My dh has a half sister from a similar set of circumstances. He has no interest in a relationship with her - in his view, they share nothing in common beyond half a set of DNA. His brother chose to forge something of a relationship with her. My DH didnt. They were & are both adults, free to make those choices. I dont think theres anything you can do.

golferswife · 20/12/2019 22:55

I never felt like my half sibling was a sibling due to the large age gap between us. Not growing up with them just didn’t allow the sibling connection. You can’t really blame them for not being interested in a baby especially if they don’t feel a connection too them sadly.

inwood · 20/12/2019 22:56

I have a half sister 25 years younger, don't ask. We have no relationship. Quite frankly why would we?

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 20/12/2019 23:01

Why are you trying to force them to have a relationship? I think you're expecting too much.

ch3rrycola · 20/12/2019 23:05

I have a half brother and sister I've never even met

Sarahandco · 20/12/2019 23:19

The age gap will be the main issue, especially for the twenty something.

WeeDangerousSpike · 20/12/2019 23:24

I have a half sister I wish I'd never met.

She's a perfectly nice woman. I just don't want a relationship with her.

Boom45 · 20/12/2019 23:24

I'm very close with my half siblings, but we grew up together. If they don't want a relationship with their half-sibling then that's their choice and really isn't a problem to anybody unless they're causing issues and it doesn't sound like they are. I wouldn't give it any more thought, you (or your DH) can't force a relationship between them and why do you need to.

Original poster

Greenbathtowels · 20/12/2019 23:57

For those who have siblings they choose not to have a relationship with, what happens at family gatherings etc? I fear that in a few years they may see them talking to their grandparents, or aunts/uncles, and want to know who it is. I'd hate to have to explain to them that it's their sibling who has chosen not to have a relationship with them, that can't be nice for anyone to hear surely? It's not like their paths with never cross cos they aren't part of a massive extended family, only have a handful of aunties/uncles etc.

OP posts:

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 21/12/2019 00:02

I'd hate to have to explain to them that it's their sibling who has chosen not to have a relationship with them, that can't be nice for anyone to hear surely?

No. Which is why that isn’t what you would say!

You will surely tell your DC they have siblings, what their names are, where they live and that there grown up and very busy with their own lives, show them photos etc. Then when you see them at family events you bring them over to say hi. Or rather your DH should. It doesn’t have to be some big drama.

Btw Op you seem to only be interested in pushing this relationship for your DCs benefit. What benefit is there for the older DC in being forced to have this relationship if it’s all so their younger siblings aren’t being deprived of their older siblings?

Singlenotsingle · 21/12/2019 00:08

They are so much older that it must be a matter of complete disinterest to then. They're at a different stage in life, and have nothing in common with your DC (except the df). Stop worrying about it. You can't force it.

Dolorabelle · 21/12/2019 00:13

In all honesty, I don't know why, but what I do know is that DP has been bit of a Disney parent

And there's your answer. Children work out who really cares about them - Disney dads don't cut it after a while. I speak from long experience of such a father.

Original poster

Greenbathtowels · 21/12/2019 00:14

I didn't realise anyone would take my wording so literally, I though common sense would prevail! Of course I wouldn't word it like that, but that's the gist of it and they'd in time come to realise that.
I don't believe it would be a nice feeling to know you've been rejected by family, it isn't a distant relative, they share a father, as well as all their fathers family, both have a relationship with him and live locally. You can word it as prettily to a child as you like but they will inevitably realise the black and white of the situation and I shouldn't imagine a feeling of rejection is one anyone would like to imagine their child feeling.

OP posts:

Louise91417 · 21/12/2019 00:19

I think theres more to a sibling relationship than sharing one parent. If raised in same house as a family you would expect some kind of bond, other than that its not uncommon for half siblings to have no interest in each other. Family is a lot more than blood.

Mintjulia · 21/12/2019 00:21

What interest has a 20 year old in someone else’s baby. It’s not surprising at all. It doesn’t mean there is any animosity they just don’t have anything in common.
I wouldn’t worry about it. Not everyone likes babies.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 21/12/2019 00:21

Of course I wouldn't word it like that, but that's the gist of it and they'd in time come to realise that.

You wouldn’t even give them that gist of it. Even if that is the reality of it. Do your children regularly see all members of their family? I doubt it. I’m sure there are some they will only see at weddings and funerals. And they won’t feel rejected by those people. Unless you make out like they have been rejected by them? Which I’m sure you won’t. For your dc it will just be normal that they see their older siblings infrequently.

I don't believe it would be a nice feeling to know you've been rejected by family

Well I suppose you could ask your DHs older kids how they coped with it.

Original poster

Greenbathtowels · 21/12/2019 00:25

I do also understand, and with the large age gaps, I wouldn't have necessary anticipated them to have a close relationship. But there is a difference between that and utterly refusing to acknowledge DDs existence in such a nasty cold way. I have siblings I'm not close to and don't see much at all for all different factors (age, gender, no common interest) but I would never be spiteful about it, they're still my parent's children, grandparent's grandchildren etc, as much as I am.

OP posts:

YoungHun · 21/12/2019 00:28

My dad has a daughter I've never even met. And have absolutely no interest in meeting. If she wants to come and meet me when she's older fine but I'm not bothered either way.

ASandwichNamedKevin · 21/12/2019 00:41

At least part of the problem must he his Disney Dad attitude. In their eyes he hasn't been a great dad to them and has gone on to reproduce further, not surprised they're not really interested.
The other half siblings presumably live in the same household so a relationship develops without being forced (though it may not be that close either).

Are they utterly refusing to acknowledge DDs existence in such a nasty cold way or are they just letting their dad reap what he has sown?

bigbubbles · 21/12/2019 00:47

They are both children- his children. A child is for life.

The youngest must have been pretty young when their parents split.

Sounds like he is a pretty crap Dad and they have sussed him out.

Kamma89 · 21/12/2019 00:50

You had children with a man who already had a family, which is always going to be risky. He didn't miss key moments in your child's life for frivolous reasons, he was being a dad to his existing children.

You've not once considered the older children here, only yours. They are at an extremely stressful time of life, exams, body image worries, what will I do with my life angst etc. Their parents are not a unit, usually tough. It'll also be hard to see Disney dad trying to make a go of round 2. They'll feel slightly rejected, unsure of themselves and hurt too.

They might when a little older decide on a reassessment of their relationships, but you can't force that. It doesn't sound like they're actively hostile or rude to any of you, just disinterested. Address any issues if/when they come up, don't worry about them in advance.

CatSmize · 21/12/2019 00:55

I have half sisters about 15 years older than me, one of whom I've met a few times. I've always known they existed but it never crossed my mind that they weren't interested in a relationship with me. I've always just felt that they have their lives and I have mine.

It might be hard to understand, OP, if you haven't been in that situation but you simply don't have a sibling bond if you didn't grow up together, especially if you have nothing in common. I can say pretty confidently that your DCs won't feel rejected!

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