DC having no relationship with "half" siblings.

[Greenbathtowels]

Myself and DP have one child together and one of the way. DP has 2 older children from past relationship (one in their 20's and one in mid-late teens, so neither are 'children').

Issue is DP's older kids refuse to have anything to do with our child. In all honesty, I don't know why, but what I do know is that DP has been bit of a Disney parent since splitting up with his EX (about 8 years ago) so I have noticed that at times he's little more than a cash machine, taxi driver etc to them, and often doesn't hear back from them unless they want something. I don't approve but don't get involed either! Important to point out, since my DD has been born it hasn't affected their relationship with their father at all, as I know this could totally be something that could cause resentment, if anything DP has missed out on a lot of DD's milestones so far because of time exclusively spent with other kids. Also his other kids have two siblings from their mother, who aren't their fathers children who they have a good a relationship with as they do each other. So it's not like they see "half-siblings" as a lesser.

So, AIBU to think that DP shouldn't be as laid back about is as what he is? Basically he's tried to introduce and incourage a relationship, so have both met DD but aren't interested. I know if it was a close family member of mine that I wouldn't be OK with them totally having rejected my child, but I also get they're his kids too. But should he be doing more about it?

I would refute they'd be able to claim he hasn't been a good dad to them, but in areas he's felt he's lacked, he compensated for financially through whatever means he could. As ridiculous as that is, they can't say he hasn't always tried his best, often jumping through hoops for them. Just foolishly not going around parenting the correct way, more interested in trying to make them happy 24/7. Often meaning he utterly lacked in discipline.

Also for what it goes for, the other two technically weren't brought up in the same house. One went to each parent when DP and his ex split, meaning one of a young teen, and the other very much still a child. Similar story to their other siblings who are older than them still, so weren't really brought up with them directly either.

This post is all about you and your dc. What about their feelings??

Again to reiterate, my issue isn't that they aren't close. It's that his other children ARE hositle and rude regarding my DC. They refuse to acknowledge DD's existence, and on the occasions they have its been to speak ill of her to their father via text messages while arguing just to be hurtful etc. If they're lives just didn't cross paths all that much, it wouldn't be an issue for me at all. It's the fact that DP has to tiptoe around other kids meaning it's DD that gets left at sidelines. (ie if he is giving one of them a lift somewhere, he won't have DD in car even if he's suppose to be looking after her, he'd sooner have another relative keep an eye on her while he does whatever it is for other kids). Not necessarily major things but I don't see how this is sustainable and as DD gets older she will become more aware of it.

This post IS about DC and I, because I wanted other people's opinion of whether or not HE was being unreasonable, not his kids.

What have they said about DD?

And again, do you recognize that they have clearly had major upheaval in their lives? Upheaval that us clearly still hurting them?

I am the older half-sibling to 2 younger ones whose parents stayed together.
I saw Dad every month until the oldest was born, (I was 12 so a tricky age anyway), then it dropped off and SM suddenly had no interest in me at all (we used to play games and do all sorts when I visited).
I have watched my 2 younger half siblings be brought up with holidays to Disneyland, CD players for Christmas and all sorts of things that I could have only dreamed of growing up - these were major luxuries, and now they have a niece, they really don't seem to want to foster any relationship with her either. They are their own family unit and I am just 'extended family' despite how hard I have tried to have a relationship with them.

I despise the phrase “existing children” on these threads. As if the OPs children don’t really “exist” because they had the cheek to have a different mother.

You’re not got to get much joy with these older kids OP, probably better to try to make peace with that. What I’d have a major issue with though is DP treating your DD like she’s a nasty little secret that his precious older kids cannot be exposed to. Realistically, how long can that continue before he risks damaging his relationship with his younger “existing children”?

@Youseethethingis
Yes you have totally hit the nail on the head with what I'm trying to say, it's as though when he's in the company of the older ones, he'll almost pretend DD doesn't exist because that's how they'd like it to be! And that's what I find unreasonable. They refuse to acknowledge her and he goes along with it to please them basically

Sounds like its the best thing for your DD not being around them. Why would they speak ill of a little girl. Baffles me.
She won't miss out. All the blood is thicker than water stuff is nonsense in my view. I have 2 older half siblings who I've never had a close relationship with. My children know who they are, but we rarely see them.

The difference is that their mother equally mothered both them and the other half siblings all the way to adulthood. Equality for those siblings in their relationship, no resentments.

Conversely, their father fucked off from them and is now playing happy families with their new half siblings - big difference, much resentment.

You picked him, it's not the first-family children's job to ratify your choice.

My DP has half siblings and he's around 15 years younger than them. They never accepted him growing up, they hated his Dad and there was a lot of resentment (their Dad passed away when they were young children so in some way it is understandable).

Now they're all adults there is absolutely no relationship there at all.

I find it sad personally because I'm close to my siblings but they're all perfectly happy by all accounts, just not interested in each other.

@PicsInRed
Very presumptuous and not at all even close to their "first family" dynamic. Their father didn't fuck off, nor did their mother equally mother them all by any matter of means. Don't know where you've got that from

I would refute they'd be able to claim he hasn't been a good dad to them

That isn't really for you to say, though, is it?

Got the info from your own OP.
The mother stuck around, the father didn't. Kids got same time from Mum as half sibs by her, much less time of Dad than your kids are now receiving. Equals - resentment.

Inevitable result in this case, sisters by another mister closer than brothers by another mother. The end.

It sounds as if they have enough siblings. Their other siblings are older than them if I’m understanding this correctly so it’s a completely different scenario. And seemingly one, where she blended the children together better by all appearances.

Your dps children are under no obligation to have a relationship with your dd. It sounds as if your Disney dad dp hurt them deeply. How about respecting their feelings? Your dd will only feel rejected if you teach her they are rejecting her. If you explain it away as them having busy lives, she won’t question things further.

You took a chance on having children with a man, who already has kids. It is generally the parent, who sets the tone of the relationship, not the other way round. So you need to focus your upset on the correct person : your dp.

I do think the siblings are old enough to show some basic consideration towards your DD and her needs. Yes, babies are boring to a lot of teenagers/ young adults but it doesn't mean you get to ignore them.

How do your step kids relate to you? DO they dislike you and see your DD as an extension of that?

Does their DM bitch about you to them?

Do they ever visit your home or does he see them outside the house?

he reaped what he sowed. He deserves how hes treated because hes taught them how to treat him. Throw money at them and that's what they look at him as. By extension why would they want to see him now have a relationship with your children (his) when he couldn't do the same for them. I completely get where they are coming from.

Their mother was the one who stuck around and see her as an actual parent, so I think again by extension they see her children as a family unit.

He goes along with them ignoring her probably out of guilt towards them. You seem to dismiss the Disney dad part. It probably had a huge impact on them. To me their behavior and his reaction is completely obvious based on their relationship.

You're over thinking the 'philosophy' of the issue and whys and wherefores. The DSC are not obliged to have a relationship with their new siblings but DH shouldn't be allowing them to be rude about them either. Does he challenge the nasty messages or is he still a Disney dad? Also these are adults not children so ok they can make a decision not to build a decent relationship with the younger children and then as a parent you will protect them from people who clearly dont like them and are rude about them. I do understand as DH has a teen and we have a toddler together. DSS has no interest in DD but equally gets upset when she doesn't remember who he is because he's avoided her for 6 months. Let DH organise his relationship with his children and take a giant leap back. You dont need to concern yourself with what his other DC do or dont want.

so I have noticed that at times he's little more than a cash machine, taxi driver etc to them, and often doesn't hear back from them unless they want something.

Are they teenagers/young adults because this is pretty much how it is even if they are biologically yours and they live with you. I know.

I think it all hinges on how old they are. Older teens and young adults won’t want anything to do with babies/toddlers/kids and that’s really normal, doesn’t matter whether they are directly related or not. The fact is they will never have a sibling relationship at that point.

I have good relationships with my older half-siblings from both my parents simply because they as young adults decided they wanted their own relation with me. I think my parents were shit at parenting, but as my half-siblings as individuals like babies and toddlers they made the effort. I know other people who are half-siblings and have large age gaps between them who also have good relationships. Again the key is the older ones wanted the relationship but more importantly all were brought up not to be nasty to smaller children.

OP it is clear your SC don't want a relationship but it is up to their dad to tell them not to be rude to a young child and to put up with your child in the car. The fact he won't means he's a shit parent as he consistently refuses to lay down acceptable behaviour boundaries and you need to watch out for this as your own children grow.

He should pull them up when rude but they don’t have to have a relationship with your child if they choose not too.

I’m not sure why you are surprised re this. You say he Disney parents and doesn’t see them much and there’s no mention of your relationship with them at all. You also only mention them being in the car and not the house.

Your DP sounds useless. I'd be questioning things to be honest. He's not been a good parent to his older DC, he clearly doesn't know how to parent properly. And he's not being a good parent to your DC either. Doesn't bode well.

Tricky one.

I have half sisters that are 10 years younger than me; I moved out when they were 6, we have no relationship. We have zilch in common, they’re both lovely but I have nothing to talk about with them.

On the flip side I have a step sister who is 10 years younger than me and we are very close. My DC and her adore each other and are also close.

I have half brother and sisters. My df always took me and my siblings along when he saw them and we often had family days and holidays together. We're not close but I know I can message them whenever. My df facilitated that relationship. Dh needs to be the one to do the same.

I do think you are getting a hard time. You are actually wanting to make an effort and by that you get accused of only considering your childs feelings. There are some bitter people on MN for posts like these.