DC having no relationship with "half" siblings.

[Greenbathtowels]

Myself and DP have one child together and one of the way. DP has 2 older children from past relationship (one in their 20's and one in mid-late teens, so neither are 'children').

Issue is DP's older kids refuse to have anything to do with our child. In all honesty, I don't know why, but what I do know is that DP has been bit of a Disney parent since splitting up with his EX (about 8 years ago) so I have noticed that at times he's little more than a cash machine, taxi driver etc to them, and often doesn't hear back from them unless they want something. I don't approve but don't get involed either! Important to point out, since my DD has been born it hasn't affected their relationship with their father at all, as I know this could totally be something that could cause resentment, if anything DP has missed out on a lot of DD's milestones so far because of time exclusively spent with other kids. Also his other kids have two siblings from their mother, who aren't their fathers children who they have a good a relationship with as they do each other. So it's not like they see "half-siblings" as a lesser.

So, AIBU to think that DP shouldn't be as laid back about is as what he is? Basically he's tried to introduce and incourage a relationship, so have both met DD but aren't interested. I know if it was a close family member of mine that I wouldn't be OK with them totally having rejected my child, but I also get they're his kids too. But should he be doing more about it?

Presumably given the older children's ages, you are closer in age/generation to his older children than to your DH? They might just not get on with you or the situation and find no need to get to know your kids.

This ship has sailed op. He has chosen to allow this dynamic and this is how he chooses to parent his older kids. I do get it's disappointing to you but there's nothing you can do. Children accept all sorts of family dynamics and you're projection of how DD will feel is way off. She won't be bothered by siblings decades older who don't give a fuck.

I have older half brothers. I have no contact with them at all. When we were all younger I would see them at weekends occasionally or we would go out together with my dad but that dwindled as we all became adults (they’re about 10-15 years older than me). I just don’t feel at all related to them, we never grew up together, I don’t want to see them and they don’t want to see me and that’s fine. I don’t have hardly any contact with my dad either. Loads of back story.

On the other hand I have a dd and Ds who are half siblings and have always grown up together and lived together - 10 year age gap. They are very, very close and consider each other full siblings, if you can call it such a thing. I think the living together and growing up together makes the difference.

Dd1 has several half siblings. Only one of those is her sister (my dd2). The others are strangers, she doesn't even know their names or ages. That's because she also doesn't know her biological father, he's never bothered with her, and I don't think he's bothered with the others either (I don't really know, I've not spoken to him in 20 years, it's only hearsay that he's got other kids)

Half siblings can be as close as full siblings, or as distant as strangers. I would imagine their relationship with the parent in question determines their relationship with the half sibling that parent produces. So living with mum full time, that half sibling is like a full sibling, in that they live in the same house and have to share attention/things. On the other hand, seeing dad a couple of times a week and not staying at his house, that half sibling is not close, why would they be? They don't live together, don't spend time together, don't have anything in common other than DNA.

Did the older kids sleep at your/dh's house regularly when they were younger (I assume they are to old for organised regular contact now)? If they did then I don't quite understand how they could have avoided spending time with you, getting to know you, and by extension your child.

I am in my 20's and I have 1 (full) sibling, and 6 (that I know of) step-siblings.

My relationship with each depends on a bunch of factors that may not be understandable for people who don't know the full picture. (You only know your side and your husband's side and his behavior since he's been with you for example.)

Of the 6 step-siblings I only have a proper relationship with 2 and here is why:

• Older step-sister (different mother same father), was barely a part of my life growing up, I knew of her but vaguely and my father being abusive and a shit father (to both of us) we never had a strong connection, I tried reaching out to her on social media at 15 finally excited to potentially build a relationship with her but it fiddled out after a few months when she met an abusive man and radicalized herself as an extremist muslim for him.

• 2 of my step-brothers (same father, all different mothers), I am no contact with because I have always been low or no contact with my dad and have had for the most part no idea of his whereabouts or life. He showed up one day with one of them (as a grand act of ''redemption'') and that's why I know he exist but I know nothing else. I am low-key curious about their story but they still don't feel like siblings just entities who happen to share the same DNA but have had a completely different life/background to mine.

• Little step-sister (from my mom and her current husband), who was born less than a month ago and with whom I have a massive age gap and I am unlikely to ever have a relationship with.

The only 2 (step-) siblings I happen to be close to are the ones I grew up with (on my mom's side then), I was 6 and then 12 when they were born so we pretty much grew up under the same roof and as a result they feel like my full-siblings to me (in fact I am closer to them than my actual sibling).

The new baby on the other hand is completely different. When the step-siblings I am close to were born we were a family unit, they were just the additions to this family unit, my step-dad/their father, had been around for a while and treated me and my sibling as his kids and so my step-siblings were just the natural expansion of our family unit, that's unfortunately not the case at all with the new baby. It's not the baby's fault but I am very low to no contact with my mother who is manipulative and has hurt me in many more ways I can count, on top of that her husband has failed to integrate himself within the family meaning he is pretty much a stranger to all of us so this baby feels more like a baby my mother have had with a random fling than a long-awaited sister, she is my mother's baby for sure but she isn't my sister. My relationship with my mother and lack of relationship with her husband on top of the massive age-gap and the distance means that I have no interest in this baby. I wish her the best and I hope my mother won't fail her the way she failed me but that's all I can do. I have no interest in having a relationship with her, A) it would hurt too much and B) it wouldn't be beneficial for either of us and the kindest thing I can do to her is not be a part of her life. It might seem cruel to you to ignore an innocent baby/child who hasn't done or ask anything, but for me this baby represent a lot of painful things I couldn't even begin to put into words. I am also very conscious that her life and mine will be drastically different and that as such (unless she goes through the same abuse as me and I sincerely hope she doesn't) she won't understand me nor why I am no contact with her mother and/or low-contact with her and I don't want to have to explain and potentially taint her views. I do think I will also loathe how she has it ''easy'' and how some of her questions about me/my life/ and the differences between our lives and the choices I have made will remind me of how privileged she is and has it in comparison to my upbringing. She is an innocent child and I am sorry I feel like this towards her and I am sorry I can't be the older sister she probably would want and deserve but it's self protection, I am also sorry my other siblings probably won't be much better because they too are in pain.

I can see why that would be hurtful to you to see your kids ignored but sometimes it's for the best. If your step-kids are saying mean stuff about an innocent child despite being in their 20's, there are either very immature or there is something deeper. You don't know the full-story, I have no idea what my mum has told her husband about us, and I am sure he sees my mum giving money to my sibling despite him being a jerk etc... and it would be easy to see this and think we are brats and she is a saint and we are just dicks for not wanting a relationship with an innocent story, but he only knows what she told him and what he sees and it's hard to understand the behavior when you don't have the full picture.

Again, YANBU to feel that way but YWABU to force it. There is nothing worse for your daughter than to be put in a situation where she ends up spending time with people who hate every minute of it and will resent her for it and it's much kinder to let her believe (or know) that her siblings are too busy with their lives and that's what happens when there is a big gap in age. I don't think she'll mind as much as you think, I didn't think anything of my older step-sister not being around, and I can't see why it should be different. Your current status-quo is the norm for your daughter, only if you make a big deal of it will she notice. I doubt she wants to spend time with a bunch of 20yo men anyways.

I think once your dad 'leaves you' you never quite trust him fully again, and you don't want to forge/ invest in new relationships in case you get hurt again. Also consciously or unconsciously there is a bit of scoffing, watching your dad 'father' other children when you don't feel he saw it through with you, which again is hurtful. So usually best left alone. Nothing to do with your DC, all about the relationship with their dad.

People have explored the dynamic here of why the older children are behaving as they do a lot but I do get that it must rankle at times and worry you. Try not to. Children are very adaptable. They cope with complex family situations. The trick - if there is one - is to make sure they feel secure in their reality. I'd be chatting to my DP to get to agree a balance between the kids. A balance the 2 of you can live with. I would not force a relationship - well you can't - but I would make sure that my child was aware and just saw it as normal. If you chill about it then most likely they will be okay.

Again presumptuous that there father left. Actually it was their mother who left them, as a result 2 of her DC haven't had any relationship with her what so ever for at least 5 years now. One being DP's oldest child. Other child ended up back with mother as dad works, mum doesn't so worked would easiest round about their schooling. Hense why with breakdown of relationship they both ended up with a child each.
It's not always just the dad who gets up and fucked off, sometimes the mum does too.
In this situation, the breakdown of their "first family" was almost a decade ago, things have changed and peoples life have moved forward. But it's presumptuous to assume they have perfect mum who spread her time and love evenly amongst her children,and it was dad who left this perfect picture and fucked off to a new life. One million miles from reality.

I've also stated heavily that there's a difference between a close relationship, which I wouldn't want to force and don't see necessary, and refusing to acknowledge someone's existence unless to be rude.

OP do not minimize the headwreck that the older ones might be in and their rejection of your dd might be a form of self protection (although not easy for you). You said when they split up one parent took one child? When did the child leave your DHs home? From my own experience when your parent has children to other women you start to feel more and more like extended family and not part of a real family. The only way I can describe it is the common segment of a Venn diagram; you share portions of your life with everyone but don't actually belong in their portion, if that makes sense? Obviously some parents are better than others at keeping families together, but your DH sounds awful, Im surprised that you had another child with him. You are aware that he is not even willing to let your dd share space with his other dc, you and your dc are always going to have to be an offshoot. I'd be directing my anger towards him tbh. What was your relationship with the dc like prior to your dd being born.

I have a half sister who I have met but we don’t really have a relationship. I don’t think her mum and my dad have told her who I am (she is only 7). My dad has an affair and then got married and then they had a baby. I just don’t really have any interest in her, I hope that doesn’t sound awful. I think she just thinks I’m weird because I call her dad ‘Dad’ as well, on the odd occasion we have met.

OP, obviously they KNOW your daughter exist, they just don't care. I can see why that would be hurtful for you but they don't have to care.

I know my step-sister is alive (and well), I am not denying her existence, but that's kind of all I need to know. I know she is okay, I just don't care past that to know anything more at all about her.

It might seem awful to you but apart from the whole thing with my family, I am in my 20's, I work full-time, I have a busy life, I barely know what the siblings I am close to are up to lately, I just know they are okay and it's also kind of all I need to know. Stop asking for grown adults to care for an 8yo they barely know and haven't grown up with really. If some fathers/mothers can walk away from their children and not acknowledge their existence, is it that hard for you to understand how young adults with busy lives and not much interests could do the same?

Your update suggests that they were already a blended family before they split up? She had children that were not your dh's, is that right? Then they split up and she had more dc and so did your dh?

There is no justification for them being shitty to a small child.
The problem is that your dh is still Didn't dadding because he's allowing it to happen. He ought to be knocking bratty, unkind behaviour towards a small child on the head, but he isn't. As MN is fond of saying,you have a DH problem.

Thanks for this thread. Been considering going no contact with my dad as in a situation similar to this and has helped me think things through.

To be fair it sounds as though the dc in question has a pretty unstable childhood with siblings and parents coming and going. They’re probably just bored of everyone trying to pretend it’s all happy families. I know I would be.

So what happens when you invite them round for dinner?

what I do know is that DP has been bit of a Disney parent since splitting up with his EX (about 8 years ago)

He just wanted the easy, fun bits of parenting. So I guess his kids now just want the easy, fun bits of being his kid. Like:

at times he's little more than a cash machine, taxi driver etc to them, and often doesn't hear back from them unless they want something

Your problem here is that your DH isn't very good at family stuff - putting in the hours, building bonds, maintaining good relationships, laying down boundaries, etc - and so you are expecting his older kids to pick up the slack and magically create a blended family. You're cross with them for not papering over his deficiencies.

what I do know is that DP has been bit of a Disney parent since splitting up with his EX (about 8 years ago)

My dbro is a Disney dad to my niece, all very well for him to splash the cash and have the fun times, but she soon realised it was her mum that was there for the real parenting, tears when her heart was broken, when she struggling studying for exams, when she needed a hug when things were toug, when she was throwing up after having a drink. Obviously her dad was at the other end of a phone and would have helped but in reality because he want there enough for the minor real life stuff she didn't have that connection with him.

His dc will feel why the hell did he start a new family when you couldn't be there for us, for all the little times we needed you. To be honest, once the damage is done there is often no road back and their relationship will always be him trying to be Disney dad and them resenting the lack of a real relationship built when they were young and the instability of their childhood, that resentment is why there is no relationship with your dc.

If your dh and his dc ignore your dd when his dc are there to the point it had a negative effect on your dd, it might just be best to keep the families separate.

Did you have any relationship with his children before the baby arrived?
Did you have them for meals, have them for the weekend etc?

Your problem is your DH being a Disney dad ... there is nothing to stop him taking DD in the car or telling his older dc they need to civil .. u are asking too much from the wrong people

There is no justification for them being shitty to a small child.

I don't see where the OP says they're being "shitty" to her daughter. They just don't want a relationship with her. And that's their prerogative.

They refuse to acknowledge her

his other children ARE hositle and rude regarding my DC. They refuse to acknowledge DD's existence, and on the occasions they have its been to speak ill of her to their father via text messages while arguing just to be hurtful etc.

I don't know what constitutes shitty behaviour to you steff but this qualifies imo. The father won't take her in the car with him because they would prefer to pretend she doesn't exist.

I missed that post. Their father should stop them from speaking ill of her. But beyond that, they are entitled to not want to have anything to do with her.