To feel so annoyed regarding Xmas party?

[Lookingatablankscreen]

My husband is currently getting ready for his, and I know as soon as 12pm comes around he will crack open a beer in celebration of the end of the working year before he heads to the works do at the pub for a meal and drinks, which may I add I'll be doing the dropping him off and then collecting him in the late hours, both a 1 hour round trip and with the children in tow.
Now I don't begrudge him this at all, i know he works hard to bring in the money and I can't exactly stop him going nor would I, but my god, how do I get into any sort of Christmas spirit when my life is the same routine day in day out, during the night even with the baby waking it's me doing that too.

Every day is the same.

I just can't get into any Christmas spirit, we have no Xmas tree or decorations up this year and if I'm honest I feel so envious that I have no one to be around tonight apart from the children that I just feel so angry at my husband going out and leaving me behind to be lonely and on my own!

So AIBU to feel like this?

You say you don't begrudge him but clearly you do from this post.

What is stopping you having a night out with friends yourself?

Taxis are a marvellous invention. Are you going to stay up til he deigns to call? Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Lack of sleep is a key factor in exacerbating feeling down (I don’t want to mention depression, god knows I’m not a doctor). It’s shit waiting round for someone to call then getting the kids up and out at silly o’clock is ridiculously unfair on you and them.

He's being a selfish fucking prick by getting the kids to have to pick up their drunk father at god knows what time of night/early hours. Not on.

Definitely take the advice on this post. I am a sahm and hated not having an Xmas do. For the last few years some of us school mum's have arranged a do. This year I have booked a dinner and entertainment with 3 friends for tonight. I am very excited to go to my 'xmas do'. While you might not be up to that this year have it as a goal for next Xmas.

Its really hard raising small children, I get it. I am not going to say 'you should do this, you should do that'. Its all easier said than done. But do please hold onto the fact that this phase will pass, things will improve, and you are doing an absolutely fantastic job, you truly are.

YANBU. He is taking the piss and sounds like he might be the trigger to you feeling the way you do. You are being taken for granted.

You sound like you need a change. How often do you see people in the week? I hope you take the children to clubs and activities, and do you know people through preschool/school? I found it incredibly hard going from a jolly nine to five office environment with lovely colleagues and a decent salary, to being a SAHM with an overworked DH and two preverbal DC and like you having to do all the cleaning, cooking, childcare, husband care! What kept me sane was seeing friends and venting, and eventually having a bit of time to myself again. YANBU to resent your DH for going out; he should get a cab home though. Sorry to state the obvious but you need to find time to do things for you, whether it's a hobby, exercise, reading, etc - something you take pleasure in that you'll look forward to. Dissassociating is a reasonable reaction to circumstances that make you unhappy but for your DCs sake you need to try to reconnect with the good things in life. Putting up the tree sounds fun; get some christmas snacks in or make some mince pies with DC and phone a friend for a good chat once the kids are in bed.

In terms of cooking, I do all of that as he can't cook

Unless he has significant special needs, I very much doubt this.

You need to take control of your life next year op

If you're not happy then you're the only one who can make changes

He CAN’T cook? The only people who can’t cook are people that either have a disability or learning difficulties or along those lines - not just “I’m a bit crap”.

I guess I could say I “can’t cook” - I’m not naturally good at it, burn things sometimes, it doesn’t come easily....but I can still DO it!

And why are you dragging the children out to pick him up? If he was a decent man and father there’s no way he’d accept that!

It's not unreasonable for him to go to a Christmas do, but it's also understandable that you are feeling a bit jealous.

What would make you feel good OP? It sounds like you need some time for yourself, and while your husband is off over Christmas you should have an opportunity to do that. Could you arrange to go get your nails done or go shopping/to the cinema/ to meet some friends or family while he looks after the kids?

Could you use some of the Christmas break to do some batch cooking of casseroles etc that you can put in the freezer - and teach your husband how to cook them with you so he can take some more of the cooking on?

He should get a taxi back, and get the tree and decorations out before he goes. If you haven't said anything about how you feel about the party can't really blame him, but it sounds like you do need more support than you are getting. I felt the same as you whilst on maternity leave, and found that getting back to work actually worked wonders for my mental health. I know this might not be feasible, but is there anything you can do for some 'me' time? Are there friends you can make arrangements with one evening? Are you able to get some of your favourite food for later?

Also he can cook, but he can't be arsed. Women aren't born knowing how to cook, are they.

As far as him not being able to cook, anyone can make a sandwich. Anyone can heat up a can of soup or leftovers in the microwave. And there's nothing wrong with expecting him to do that once in a while. At the very least, stop cooking 3 separate meals in the evening. Cook for all of you at 4 pm and reheat for you and DH, or cook at 6 for you and DH but make enough for the DC to have reheated for their dinner the next day.

Since the party is tonight, it may be a bit late to 'announce' that you won't pick him up if that's been the way you've always done it. But certainly let him know that from now on he will need to get alternative transport, at least transport home.

You need to focus on your mental health. That's not to say you ignore your responsibilities, but just that you focus on ways to make them easier. And please don't be afraid to ask for help from your DH, your parents, friends, anyone in a position to give you a break. You deserve time to yourself, too.

Having small dc is so monotonous, I know exactly what you mean.

Tell dh you will take him to the party, but he must get a taxi home. Between you, over the holidays can you batch cook some meals, so you aren’t cooking three times a night, that sounds very time consuming and labour intensive. Or cook something and reheat it in the microwave when dh gets in. If he doesn’t like reheated food he can cook his own meal. You need to get your dh on board that there won’t be a freshly cooked meal waiting for him as he walks through the door.

Use the new year as a time to change a few things in your relationship.

I’m actually a big believer in SAHPs taking the lions share of household chores etc, but not to the extent that your mental health is suffering so much and definitely not taking the mick expecting a lift in the middle of the night! the working parent does Definitely need to step up and help with the childcare/chores in the evenings/weekends to prevent the SAHP feeling like you are now though.

Do you have a group of Friends you can try and arrange a night out with? I know nights can be hard, but even going out for a mid day coffee so you get a break might help. I’d even go on your own If friends are busy and take a book/magazine and sit in Costa for an hour off over the weekend. It’s only by looking after the dc on his own he will realise how hard you are working with them during the day. And try to make sure he has to sort a meal in his time. Definitely don’t go over nap time!

Sorry to hear you're so low OP. Good to know you're getting some support.
Your husband needs a kick up the arse, I wouldnt be cooking a second meal for him when he gets in. He should make his own and take over with the kids.
Hope you can get a little tree and a few decs sorted. In another year or two itll feel easier. Do you not fancy getting back to work?
Totally agree it's a drudge being at home with kids, you do often feel like you have no life of your own and taken for granted.
Hope things feel better soon.

It was when our children were very young that I began refusing to be DH's taxi service for this sort of thing. Nor do I expect him to taxi me around for office parties and social stuff. We only ferry each other around if one has something like a medical problem that requires it. That way resentment does not build.

Why the fuck can he not either get a taxi back after the party or stay the night in a hotel or B & B until it is all more convenient the next day?

People are asking you why he cannot get a taxi and you are ignoring that. It isn't fair to get the children up and drag them out at that time to collect their drunken father (I assume, anyway). Unfair on them and unfair on you. Tell him that the answer to that is no. If he wants to go to the party then fine, and you will drop him off, but he must be able to get himself back.

OP,
Stop cooking three different meals. Don't be a taxi service (he can get his own ride back) and look into getting a job outside of the home and away from the kids (childcare permitting) so that next year YOU have a Christmas party to look forward to.
My DD (10) said your DH should make his own food.:) Even she can read instructions on micro/oven foods.
Let 2020 be a year of change.

It's very unfair to expect you to pick him up. My DH is out on his work do tomorrow, we don't have any children but I will definitely not be picking him up. He wouldn't even think of suggesting it.

I’m sorry you’re going through shit op, I’m in the same boat, but you’re not making things better for yourself. You say you never get a break, why is that? Is he not allowing you to have a night out/visit a friend? Or are you not bothering? Why can’t he get a train/taxi home from his night out? Why are you cooking 3 dinners a day instead of slightly adjusting your routine to cook 1? There’s no need for most of your problems. And PLEASE put your Xmas tree up. Someone needs to put your children first. I know it’s not going to kill them if you don’t, but It’s not going to help your mental health in the future looking back and thinking about your children missing Xmas because you didn’t take half an hour to throw the decs up. It makes me so sad to think about children missing out ☹️

Ask him to get the tree and decorations out. He could put up the tree and you can get your nearly four year old to decorate the lower half of the tree and you do the top.
Then tell him he has to get a taxi to and from the party because you're not driving out in the middle of the night with two small children to pick up a grown man.

I wouldn’t be collecting him, that’s crazy. Can’t he stay at a cheap B&B or get a taxi?

I don’t think you should begrudge him this at all, you are under stress and therefore he is also likely under stress too, it is also hard being with someone who is depressed. That’s not to be hard on you at all, you are dealing with a lot and need to focus on getting what you need, but he does too. It’s hard on both of you.

What might be happening is he is burying himself in work and you are feeling isolated? If you have been depressed you also may have felt you had to cut off from the outside world a bit which is understandable but in the long term that again impacts on your mental health and it can be hard to break the spiral. However I’d be encouraging and supportive of him going out as it is healthy to be socializing.

You are bound to have dips like this, so please do try not to escalate it in your head if you have been stable for this year. You are doing well to be keeping stable. However if you are feeling like this please also do reach out to a professional or see your GP or support worker, and tell them how you feel. This time of year might be a trigger and you might just need extra support.

On the other side, it can be positive, if there are practical things that can be changed? Could you and your husband do some low level but lovely things together? Something just for you both like a lovely meal - like the M&S meal deal so neither has to cook, and something nice what the kids, even just driving them around the Christmas lights and scaling back to enjoy these precious moments as a family?

And decorations... presents... honestly don’t stress. Get husband to get presents and shopping. Simple and he takes the kids. Put up one set of lights. Go at a pace that suits you and just do the small things. Which are usually the best anyway!

Also just to say as soon as you feel you can, do start making social connections yourself and make sure husband supports you by looking after kids etc. it’s a two way thing!

Tree & decs not up?

Not here either-it's only Dec 20th!

Today is the earliest ours would ever be up.

I think it's awful that it would even occur to him that you should drag a couple of kids out to pick him up.

Why not a taxi, or hell, here's something radical-take the car & not drink!!

The Ops husband is getting a bit of stick by posters and 2 and 2 and getting 5 ( as per normal )

She hasnt said he wants to put the decorations up , and you are all assuming he is insisting she picks him up after a night out ....If he is OP , dont do it

One poster also thinks her husband should help with the night feeds , what night feeds !

OP , Christmas can be a stressful time of year , and most of use are feeling the stress of juggling , but then most of us create too much work for our selves ....
It can be pretty soul destroying when your kids are small , going to toddler groups and making friends in the same situation kept me sane ...........however when mine were small most mothers didnt go back to work so there were more opportunities to meet other mums