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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel so annoyed regarding Xmas party?

87 replies

Lookingatablankscreen · 20/12/2019 11:48

My husband is currently getting ready for his, and I know as soon as 12pm comes around he will crack open a beer in celebration of the end of the working year before he heads to the works do at the pub for a meal and drinks, which may I add I'll be doing the dropping him off and then collecting him in the late hours, both a 1 hour round trip and with the children in tow.
Now I don't begrudge him this at all, i know he works hard to bring in the money and I can't exactly stop him going nor would I, but my god, how do I get into any sort of Christmas spirit when my life is the same routine day in day out, during the night even with the baby waking it's me doing that too.

Every day is the same.

I just can't get into any Christmas spirit, we have no Xmas tree or decorations up this year and if I'm honest I feel so envious that I have no one to be around tonight apart from the children that I just feel so angry at my husband going out and leaving me behind to be lonely and on my own!

So AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:

Bluerussian · 20/12/2019 12:29

Don't pick him up for goodness sake. It's not fair to the children to drag them out.

I'm sorry you're feeling so rough, I'm in the same boat but on my own so it only affects me. I will be going out on Christmas day and hope I will feel better and get my act together by then. I hope the same for you x

BillHadersNewWife · 20/12/2019 12:30

Can't you get the tree out? Or get someone else to help?

Embracelife · 20/12/2019 12:32

Ok.
So he is totally allowed to go to a work party but he should make his own way there and back.

He can go with op to get xmas stuff today or tomorrow.

Dealing with depression is hard for everyone .....is there family member or friend who can come to help with the dc? Or take them out for you?

marchingonwithmother · 20/12/2019 12:33

Your eating routine sounds like hard work. Why do you eat before six then start again at 6.30? If the kids need something earlier have a snack while they eat and then eat later with DH maybe.

And he can cook, pretty much everyone can cook. He mightn't be a masterchef but anyone can make a pasta bake or sausage and mash. He can work and contribute to household tasks too.

I wouldn't begrudge him his works do or a hangover tomorrow but Sunday he should give you a day off. He can cook, have a carpet picnic if that's all he can muster. Or pizza. And either he takes the kids to see some Xmas lights while you rest or you go out for a few hours alone.

Jaxhog · 20/12/2019 12:33

How about you agree to this with him:

he puts up the tree
you drive him to his party
you come home and decorate the tree, with the kids
he gets a taxi home
he gives you breakfast in bed the next day (and looks after kids while you eat it)

INeedNewShoes · 20/12/2019 12:34

Feeding between 4 and 5, I have to cook myself something before 6, and then he needs something around6.30 when home from work

This seems an unnecessary waste of effort, cooking three meals. Either shift the kids’ dinner later to 5:30 and eat with them or you wait until DH gets home and cook with him. In fact, I would do one lot of cooking and then it can be eaten at different times - things like casserole or bolognaise that can be easily reheated when DH gets home.

And I would never get my kids out of bed in the middle of the night to provide a taxi service for anyone.

Stop making your life more difficult than it needs to be. Nobody benefits from martyrdom in the long run.

Appletreehouse · 20/12/2019 12:35

Why do you cook so many meals? Can't you eat a snack with tie kids, then take turns cooking with DH and eat later once they're in bed? That way the kids could eat leftovers from your meal the night before so no cook and prep whilst looking after them?

for you as sounds like you're struggling. Hope you have a more relaxing, shared care and break of the children over Christmas

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/12/2019 12:35

Everyone is asking why he's not getting a taxi home, but you're not addressing this at all?

FestiveFavourites · 20/12/2019 12:35

Put up your tree and decorations tonight, OP, play some daft Christmas songs or stick a film on and fake it til you make it - for the children's sake if nothing else. DH can get a cab like the majority of other people going out for their work parties tonight.

Be kind to yourself.

goldfinchfan · 20/12/2019 12:36

Why doesn't DH do the Christmas tree and lights?

and he can learn to cook
He has to learn to cook.
you are down because it's nearly Christmas and your life has no adult fun time.
It will get easier as the kids grow but is your DH selfish cos it does sound like it is all about what he wants.....not good.

You deserve some space for you.

BillHadersNewWife · 20/12/2019 12:37

Why can't the OP more like! OP don't drive him....get your tree out and have a nice evening decorating it.

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 20/12/2019 12:37

Your psychiatrist things you're potentially in a dissociative state and yet nothing will come between him and his work do? He's just a peach of a man isn't he?...

DarlingNikita · 20/12/2019 12:40

he can't cook
Rubbish. Anyone who's semi-competent can cook. He's just realised that he doesn't have to.

He sounds unsupportive and selfish.

MintyMabel · 20/12/2019 12:42

Why the hell are you collecting him?

Why isn’t he learning to cook?

Sort him out.

incognitomum · 20/12/2019 12:44

You're ignoring the question regarding taxi

KitKat1985 · 20/12/2019 12:44

Well, going to his work Christmas party isn't in itself unreasonable. I think he needs to get a taxi home though rather than expect you to pick him up.

If he's finished work for the Christmas break can you ask him to look after the kids sometimes over the break so you can go out and have some time to yourself? Then it's a bit of a break for you too?

FearlessSwiftie · 20/12/2019 12:46

AIBU
nope, not at all. all you gotta do is to let him get the taxi, cause he is a grown up man. and you may go for the Xmas tree and all this cute decoration stuff, that will help you to get the Xmas spirit and the вс will love it

Elbeagle · 20/12/2019 12:48

Mine are 6, 4 and nearly 1 OP, I completely empathise on the ‘same shit, different day aspect!

However this...

Feeding between 4 and 5, I have to cook myself something before 6, and then he needs something around6.30 when home from work

Is crazy. Cooking 3 meals in the space of 2.5 hours?
DH and I tend to eat separately from the DC... they eat at 5 and we eat around 7.30pm when DH is home from work. However I don’t cook 2 full separate meals.
I either make us all the same thing earlier in the day and reheat ours (chilli, curry etc), or for example I roasted a chicken yesterday and the DC had it with potatoes/veg, then I shredded it for us to have with wraps later on.
Can’t you wait until 6.30 to eat with him? Or have yours with the DC and reheat DH’s later?

Elbeagle · 20/12/2019 12:49

Also, DH has had three Christmas parties with work and there’s no way I’d drag the kids out to pick him up!

Ginfordinner · 20/12/2019 12:50

In terms of cooking, I do all of that as he can't cook

He won't cook. Unless he is dyslexic he can perfectly well follow a recipe.
Why do you eat at 6? Can't you wait until he gets home and eat with him?
And why haven't you addressed the taxi question?

puds11 · 20/12/2019 12:53

Stop cooking 3 meals for a start! Cook one that can be re heated.

Tonight tell DH to get a taxi back, kids to bed, watch a Christmas film or have a bath.

Do tree as a family tomorrow.

GCAcademic · 20/12/2019 12:54

What sort of man expects his children to be dragged out late at night, after their bedtime, so that he can get a lift home after drinking? He has no respect for any of you.

Molly2016 · 20/12/2019 12:54

OP mine are 4 and 2 and I’m a SAHM so no Christmas party for me! I get the monotony of daily life. I also understand how it feels isolating.
I’m forcing myself to do more with other people, even though I sometimes feel awkward trying to make conversation and don’t feel like I have a lot in common with them.
It’s definitely small steps.
I also eat early with the children at 5.30 and leave DH’s portion in the microwave so he can heat it up when he gets home.
Maybe when the kids are in bed tonight you could think of one thing you would like to do over the weekend. Even if it’s having a coffee and reading a magazine for half an hour.
I hope you feel better.

HairyFloppins · 20/12/2019 12:55

Don't go and get him OP.

Puts some decorations up for your little one and enjoy the cosy nights and xmas films with them.

Annasgirl · 20/12/2019 12:56

HI OP,

Yes it is hard at the stage you are at, we have all been there. However, you need to get some things sorted right now

You do not take him to or from this party - seriously, you are under psychiatric care and he expects you to be a taxi????

He puts up the tree with the DC.

You cook one meal per day and if I were you I would eat with the DC (or else reheat and eat with DH). My DH works extremely long hours so I always ate with the DC and he took leftovers for lunch at work the next day.

Ask for help - please, you are very vulnerable, seek support. Have you family who can help you?

Can you get on antidepressants? Then when you feel more like your old self, some time early in the New Year, you need to have a calm discussion with your husband about how life goes on from here.

It does get better - my youngest is 7 now (I have 3DC) and this is a really fun Christmas but I have been where you are - you need to get support to come through this intact.

Keep posting on here and please, take the advice given.

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