UCAS utterly unfair

[Iwasneveragoddess]

My third child is filling out his UCAS form and as happened with his sister he has to put the highest earner in the household on the form, which will affect his loan, this isn’t me it’s my DH who is not father to any of my children.

He is still paying maintenance for his own children and is not financially responsible for mine, how on earth is this fair?

*better off than me

You should be proud of him. He sounds like a motivated, hard working and bright man. Trust in him that he can figure this out now he’s got his father on board to help out. If he’s doing a course that isn’t placements or lab days or similar, he’ll have plenty of time to work, study and have loads of fun too, hopefully!

I am immensely proud of him.

I completely understand why it pisses you off. I think that you have had a hard time on this thread (by some) and that you have responded with dignity to all. Your son has obviously inherited your work ethic and there does come a point when you let go and trust. I really wish you well.

Is it not the combined household income anyway?

Yes it is, and that includes any dcs with jobs.

@Lobsterquadrille2

Thank you.

I don’t have any other DC living here with jobs.

DSS1 lives with his mother and works, he is 25.

DS1 lives independently and has a FT job.
DD lives independently and has FT job and is studying for her OU degree.
DS2 lives here with me
DSD1&2 live with their mother.

Haven't RTFT - its long.

For student finance, if your son also lives at his dads, then use his income.

Presumably having a working partner means your finances are not as tight- therefore you have extra to help your child?

It is worth RTFT, both points have already been addressed.

Who makes this rubbish up?

It would make sense if it was based on the RP’s income.

Which could mean the child of a stay at home parent married to a billionaire would get the full loan?

The only way to make the system fair would be to give everyone the same, but you would still have adults getting more money from their parents.

One thing for your ds to think about OP is that if he works in his first and second year he has good reason to get funding from his uni for his third year so he does not have to work.

@Iwasneveragoddess He has Aspergers. We never had him diagnosed formally as we felt it would have held him back but maybe we were wrong.

I think you were wrong. I'm a former special needs professional. If you had your son assessed he may have been eligible for extra time in his exams (not absolute, but possible.)

If he has an assessment at university- he needs to set this up with the student welfare team who can advise - he may be entitled to DSA ( disabled student allowances) which would pay for IT stuff like a computer and software and extra support if needed.

It all depends on the diagnosis and if there is also an element of dyslexia and ADHD. Bit puzzled how you know he has ASD without an assessment . There are also support groups for adults with Aspergers who can point him and you in the right direction.

I don't know why you held back on telling everyone there is only one child at home now- took me a while to work though all the DSS/DD1 blah blah but the gist of it is your son is at home and no other child.

You and your DH appear to have maxed yourselves out on a mortgage when you got together to extend your house.

You have come late in the day to the fact that kids at uni need parental support these days (yet you went through this with your daughter.)

There are issues around your current DH paying for your child (you even take this as far as him providing food for you both when he's not there to eat it which is simply bizarre!)

Whether he feels strongly about this or it's you projecting your own insecurities around it all, we don't know.

While I am not a medical professional most of the families I work with have a child with ASC.

We went through the initial assessment and he had I think 5 out of 6 indicators.

DS didn’t want to carry on with it and has achieved 8/9a in his GCSE’s and now doing well in A Levels, he didn’t need more support.

And it’s funny as a thread on here years ago told me what a disgusting person I was to not have room here for my step children 😂

We haven’t maxed ourselves out but there was work which needed doing which we have done, and we cannot fund DS at Uni, and I agree with PPs who are of the thinking that not should we.

8/9s nor

If the highest wage earner is not the child’s parent/legal guardian then that’s not fair.

You are going round in circles again OP!

The point is, it's household income.

If people live together they are treated as a couple in this case (didn't they always want to be treated the same as marrieds???)
And you are indeed married.

If someone who is not the bio parent but the step parent earns £1M a year and the spouse who is the bio parent earns £25K, are you suggesting that it's the bio parent's income that ought to be taken into account re the student loan? That would make a mockery of it all.

The SL company don't get involved in HOW a couple spend their income. It's up to parents, whether natural or step parents, to be responsible for their outgoings and factor in their child's uni fees (if they go.)

There is a lot of bitterness coming over in your posts around money- from how much your DH pays his ex to how this impacts on you.
I am sure he will get a very good forces pension when he leaves or retires in his 50s (not an option for most people) so it can't be all that bad!

We haven’t maxed ourselves out but there was work which needed doing which we have done

You made that choice, other families may have postponed it . And you have been together for 10 years- plenty of time to plan and put something aside.

But upthread you said you had extended the house to accommodate ALL the children.

You know what really sickens me with your thread? The fact you don't seem to even want to help you son. You are complaining about ' the system' (which every parent has to suck up. Nowhere have you said 'How can I help my son?' It's all 'I don't think we ought to help..'

Well you either work with the system as it is, or your son suffers.

I'm sorry but for all your assertions of how great he is and how proud you are of him, your actions don't match.

Fine, he's very clever and has no issues, and he's got the kind of Aspergers that doesn't need diagnosing and makes it easy for him to do well at school and get a job, and you don't need to beg your dh for money to send him to uni.

Not much else to say then, is there?

I have absolutely no bitterness about how much he pays his ex.

It’s right and proper that he supports his own children.

You are seeing negativity that isn’t there.

He has earnt that pension, and made many many sacrifices for it.

Just because we made alterations to the house doesn’t mean that the children have to then live here forever?

They grew up and left home?

You are both GF and unkind.

Thanks for all the helpful posts 🙏

Everyone who works hard earns their pension and few can retire in their 50s. He will get a nice lump son so why can't he offer some of that towards your son's uni expenses?

Oh I forgot. He's only his stepfather.

I'd love to hear his side of this. Is HE the one saying it's all so unfair or is that you?

I'm going to leave this now because - and sorry- I just despair at your attitude. The SL system has its fault- I agree with that. I don't agree with your attitude because another parent would have come along and asked for ideas of how to help their child or even looked to increase their own income in order to help .

No we aren't goady fuckers- we just don't see it as you do.

End of.

His lump sum is his bloody lump sum?! That he earnt years before I was even in his life.

You are absolutely ridiculous.

His ex gets half of that and he has another child who legally isn’t entitled to anything so I expect he will look after his own children with his lump sum.

And no that’s he pension is not enough to live off, he will have to get a job and he isn’t in his 50s yet anyway.

Ultimately op, you need a better paying job. And soon.

Life is often very unfair. Had you been married to your son's father then the divorce order like mine might have said the higher earner (me in our case) has to pay the university costs. There still might be the Children Act possibility of your son extracting some help for university from his father (if his genetic father has any money to make it worth it).

I think the very big costs and fees came in with not enough notice.Blair I think brought in student fees (my daughters' fees were £1000 a year so much less than the £9250 of today and my older son £3000 and now my twins' are £9250 a year each - all of which I pay and save the tax payer given many students will never repay their full loan) and then they have just gone up and up without giving parents the 18 y ears of notice in the USA parents have to start a college fund when the child is born etc.

Secondly there is nothingl ike enough publicity that many students will get £4k maintenance loan and parents should if they can afford it make it up to £8k. We shoudl be telling parents when they make their first claim for child benefit or when starting secondary school you might want to start setting aside money now or taking a weekend job now so that when the child is 18 you can help with that £4k shortfall (I am using rough figures here).

I would never have moved a new man in after my divorce as I wanted to avoid all these complications and want my 5 children go have the money I have left after the divorce and not a new man or husband have any claim to that.

The benefits system has always lumped together living together peope's money whereas in recent decades for those married the tax system rightly has had separate taxation of husband and wife rather than the joint tax returns of old. The child benefit cap change has altered that slightly as now a spouse has to ask the other if they earn over the child benefit limit - that under mines child benefit a bit as it waqs brought in originally for mothers as some with very rich husbands even were not given a penny from the husband so giving child benefit into their hands - a universal benefit for all - meant at least she had nough to feed herself and the children. We chose to do away with that principel when we capped it and stopped it being universasl (writing as a single mother of 5 who had child benefit removed from me due to high earnings).

Some of my twins' university friends do not have much money. Many have jobs either in term time or holidays, some will live at home to save on costs. Some get army sponsorship through a degree. Others win scholarships. Even I in the 1970s in eh NE found out about scholarships and put myself in for 3 x 3 hour exams at my school something no one had ever done before and got a small financial scholarship to Manchester University. It was about £50 or £100 a year payable each of the 3 years. I then won a university prize as was top of year 1 and that was another £100 for year 2. That is about £500 in today's money.

Everyone earns their pension! He's hardly unique.

It's YOUR income too as a couple, surely? That's what being married means. If it doesn't why on earth did you bother to marry and not just live together or be a couple living apart?

If you asked him to give £1K a year towards your son's uni costs, as a loan, what would he say? Your son could pay him back when he gets a job.

Many men would bend over backwards to help their step children. The picture you paint is he has 'his' money ( to pay for his children with his ex wife and another woman as well) and you, the 2nd wife, get what he thinks fit.

Still can't work out if this is about your marriage and you protecting him, or if he's pulling the strings.

Fwiw I agree op.
Given that they are fucking loans at a high rate of interest, everyone should be entitled to the same to create a proper level playing field. I fail to see what parents income has to do with it.