To think that you can’t sign up for FIVE dating sites accidentally?

[Noelina]

Found old emails from 7 years ago spanning 4 years in DH’s inbox when I was trying to find an old receipt. I have always known his password.

He insists that one of them he knew about as he accidentally joined it via Facebook and the others must have taken his details from that. Lo and behold I then found that he had 4 dating apps in his expired apps on Facebook.

I do remember finding an email saying he had messages in his inbox from a dating site around 4/5 years ago but he insisted it must have been spam, although I have seen that he joined that site from Facebook 2 years earlier than that!

Also the first site one he had emails from wasn’t on there so he didn’t join that one through Facebook and one of the emails from a different site said that it had got his details from the first dating site due to a ’transaction’ he made on it.

He insists he’s never heard of the other dating sites although he had the apps on his Facebook for some of them and he had tons of emails which he couldn’t have missed surely! He has said that he didn’t open them as proof that he didn’t sign up to them.

Is it really possible that he was ‘accidentally’ signed up to 5 of these sites?

We have had problems in our marriage for many years due to financial and child rearing stress and were just starting to get back on track! The first dating site emails are from when our youngest was less than a year old and I was carrying a lot of extra weight. We’ve also had a very up and down sex life without sex for months at a time as he hasn’t been interested and I never understood how he could go that long without it.

I can’t check bank statements as too far back to see if he paid to subscribe.

He has been very defensive and angry as I won’t just let it go. I mean really!

He told if he wanted another woman he wouldn’t have to go on a dating site.

I am questioning stuff from years ago now and don’t know what to think. Help!

I get spam emails non stop for dating sites, they seem fake and go straight to spam without being opened. I can believe the emails are spam especially if they’re called ‘meet hot girls’ or whatever. But you said you saw he had dating apps on his phone so that’s completely different, he’s obviously used them at some point whether he’s met up with someone or not.

He needs to be completely honest with you if he has an ounce of respect for you, continuously lying is only going to make things worse. Porn is a bit meh, not the end of the world but using dating sites is a huge breach of trust.

No, OP, you cant accidentally sign up for 5 dating sites.
Dunno what I'd be more insulted by, if I were you, the fact that he signed up to the sites or the fact that he's lying about it so badly. Does he think you're stupid?
I wouldn't be optimistic about this unless he can own up to what he's done.

I had an ex who swore he never looked at porn, or masterbated. Thought it was grubby. I didn't believe him.
One day, whilst looking for something, I came across his stash of wank mags (pre internet days). When I laughingly told him I'd found them, he got really angry!
It hadn't bothered me, so his anger was due to some sort of guilt complex he had about it.

Someone, male or female, who doesn't masturbate, is very much in the minority.

Your husband is lying through his teeth, about the whole thing, and swearing on his children's lives, is what they all do. The fact that he found it harder to swear on his mother's life, than his children's, must be difficult to hear.

You say your marriage was starting to get back on track, but also mentioned that the affection is initiated by you, and you've lost weight, do you feel that the only reason it's improving is because of the effort you are making? Has he made any effort?

Yes it’s all been from my side Motoko. DH has similar ‘guilt’ about sex due to his cultural upbringing I think. He even had the gall to say women on dating sites are prostitutes!

I found out via 192.com last night that someone with the same very unusual surname as the woman he had an email adddress for lives in our village. It’s a man’s name on the listing but that could be a husband. Very tempted to knock on the door this evening and see who answers. Oddly enough the surname is popular in a certain ethnicity and I remember a woman who worked at my older DC’s primary school as a TA seemed to be from the same one, husband also. She came round my house one night ostensibly to drop something off for the DC which I thought was very strange and was a bit perturbed at how she must have looked up our address from school records as the house we had then was at the opposite side of the village and she wouldn’t have known where we lived then as she must have lived over the other side close to the school as I used to see her coming from that direction. We weren’t friendly other than the odd smile but she used to put me on edge, very loud and inappropriate clothing, think thigh high boots and mini skirts while working in a class room of primary DC. Probably overthinking it but the first name rings a bell.

I mentioned the coincidence to DH while in bed last night. He insisted he had no idea what I was talking about despite me asking him about this before, said he had no idea who’s email address it was. I said I might pop round to see if I recognise who lives there and he just said OK and then promptly fell asleep!

I feel like I’m going mad.

Sorry meant to add timeframe fits as well.

I used to work full time then as well and DH had days off in the week as he worked shifts including most weekends, he’d have at least one day off in the week, so he’d do school runs on the days he was home.

I don't know what's more insulting, him signing up to multiple sites (which he absolutely did btw) or him thinking you're thick enough to believe he didn't do it on purpose.

His married cousin was on one of them which is why he thought it was OK.

Other married men also fuck people they have affairs with. Does he think that's ok too?

He swore on his children's lives and his mother's life

Yeah they all do this.

I don’t want to find out years in the future he was lying all along

That's good because you've found out right now, in the present

he’d always denied it, never masturbated either

He told you he never wanks. Really? Did you believe that? Why shouldn't he wank anyway.

Really finding this hard to shake off.

Good. Don't. He's lying.

No name just Userxxx. So he has been visible to local women on it for years

So at minimum you know he created profiles. Unless he says they inputted his postcode automatically? How would this happen without him doing it. Is his picture there? If not why do you think local women would know it's him? If there is a picture, again how would this happen unless he uploaded it.

I saw he’d turned the notifications off for text and email but not for his phone.

Did he accidentally do this as well?

FFS.

OP answer us this - hand on heart do you actually think there is any other explanation for this other than him actively signing up to multiple dating sites?

And answer this too - if you find out he definitely did then will you definitely leave him or not? If not then you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't trust and are angry with and resentful of. Can you live like that?

Sorry - he signed up for tinder too and blamed it on your DS?!

As part of my profession I can tell you that it is ILLEGAL for facebook to sign people up to anything without the individuals express consent.

This is one of the worst excuses I've ever heard.

Get rid.

OP you are not going mad you are being gaslighted.

So, the only reason the marriage has improved, is because of the effort you've put in. He hasn't done anything. That would mean to me, that he's not bothered. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who isn't bothered how the marriage is?

Then add on what you've posted about, it sounds like he doesn't really want to be with you, he'd rather see what else is available. At the moment, nothing has taken his fancy, enough to end things. Breaking up is hard work and a load of hassle, so he'd rather live with the status quo, but not have to put any effort in. He's got a roof over his head, someone to do the housework, and sex on tap.

I think you've got a lot of thinking to do. You need to decide if you're going to stay and put up with all this (because he's not going to change, he doesn't want to) or if it's time to call it a day.

Personally, I think you're flogging a dead horse.

The only way to truly know.. is log in to each of them and check to see if his profile has been set up with pictures.

It's most probable he is telling porkies.. but who knows?

I signed up for tinder when it first came out, I heard celebrities were on there and partner saw the app ( I wasn't hiding it) and with tears in her eyes she asked if I was leaving her.. I had no idea it was a dating app. My profile picture was me her and the kids 😂

There was a profile picture on the first one I logged onto. He said it must have stolen it from his Facebook account as it was his profile picture at the time (DC were also in the pic but whatever spambot ‘stole’ it cropped them out). I must admit I can agree with his argument that he would have put a better one on there if he’d done it himself but maybe he liked the way he looked in that one.

I managed to get into another one last night which had no profile picture but he was under his real first name which is odd as he would surely have used an alias due to his name being pretty unique in our area. Again no messages on it but he had received email from that site saying he had messages from women waiting.

That one was opened two years earlier though.

The other 3 I haven’t been able to get into as two now don’t exist and the other one I couldn’t get the password for so needed to sign up which it wouldn’t let me do without a picture.

Actually just read that the first site (now defunct) he had email from was a video chatting dating platform via webcam. At least one of the other sites must have got his details from that as he must have paid a subscription. Therefore definitely chatted to other women. Fucking prick. I do remember him buying a webcam years ago. No idea why he wanted to use it.

I can see you're slowly unravelling and piecing together historical behaviour that all lead to your DH cheating.

I'm really sorry you're discovering all this

I'd like to gently suggest that you request your thread be moved to the relationship's board for support and advice.

@Noelina

Sorry this is such a rough time for you, I really feel for you.

So what's your line? What's the thing he may have done that will mean you leave him?

For me the behaviour you absolutely know he's done so far (signing up to the sites, adding his info, blaming his son for one of them, treating you like an idiot, lying and now some sort of cam, involvement) would be enough for me to have decided I wanted out.

But you sound torn still, like it's not "enough" somehow for you to leave over. Five sites. He's been that active in looking elsewhere. You deserve better and if you don't leave then you'll never trust him again and have given him a free pass to continue to treat you like shit with no consequences.

Is it the gravity of leaving that you're struggling with or do you honestly not feel that what he's done for sure is bad enough for you to leave?

It’s the kids. Only the kids. I’ve always put them first. One of us had to! My oldest will be absolutely devastated. She is only just getting back to being close to him after some really rough teenage years. Don’t want to even think about my youngest.

Biggest fear is that they’d lose him like I lost my Dad. That’s not in my control I know.

He is with holding information from you by changing his password - that is a very powerful 'statement' from him that he is not telling the truth.
If he had nothing to hide he would facilitate you having full access to everything to clear this all up.

If you’ve managed to log in with his password to the sites then he’s obviously signed up or they wouldn’t have that password.

My ex once told me he accidentally signed up for adult friend finder website.:. Complete with full profile stating he was single 😂.

He is still denying. so convincingly that occasionally I start to believe him!

He cannot explain how the first livecam dating website, which was not on Facebook, got his email address. At a long stretch I could believe the other 4 were generated by Facebook due to him being on that one.

He is treating me like I’m nuts!

OP you're treating yourself like you're nuts too if you're starting to believe him!

Come on, you know this is ALL lies.

It's your choice of course if you want to stay with him, but it should be on the basis you know he's lying but want to stay regardless of that, not that you actually think he's telling the truth?!

I’m on fb & Instagram, I’m not signed up to any dating websites.

If I was I don’t think my dh would be having any of this nonsense off me either.

He signed up to them to meet women, got caught and is now frantically trying to deceive you so he can carry on while having a family life.

You’ve wasted a lot of time on this mans excuses.

Some of it can be spam. And sometimes one website can be linked to other sister sites which generate spam emails. And those emails will say ‘Anna has winked at you’ when it’s just clickbait to get you to follow the link.
Some dating sites are also very hard to unsubscribe from once you’ve signed up.
You can also get spam from visiting porn sites or other sites.
Try to investigate further before jumping to conclusions.

He's really done a number on you here hasn't he OP? I can tell you now, you are saying you don't want to rock the boat because of your children, but if they knew what he was doing, they would understand

If he's on all of these dating sites - even in the past - I would still go and get yourself checked out OP. Sorry he's done this to you but you do need to grow a backbone now