WWYD - unwanted present

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

My brother and I live several hundred miles from each other. We rarely saw each other, the previous time 3 years before at family wedding. Sadly contact was mainly through FB , giving out to him as much as I got to be fair but it showed him in his true bigoted colours mind you.

I fell out with my brother more than a year ago, things had been going very downhill for a while. Contact with his family was always through him , no contact from nephews and SIL despite effort on my part previously.

I had bought presents In the past for him and all his family including SIL who never contacts me and teenage nephews - who I never get a thank you from except through him.

Last year I suggested exchanging cards only in good time ( 2 months before xmas) . This was just after I had received his extortionate wish list - yes 2 months early but I suppose it gives time to save up! I received a very pa response back to my suggestion saying they were very organised and had already got our presents.ie happy to send extortionate list himself but doesn’t want to reciprocate. I didn’t get them anything and just sent a card. They sent presents (very cheap generic thing for me it turned out ) and were annoyed when nothing was retuned.

A few months later he blocked me on FB and there was no contact at all after that. Background to this was He had removed some political comments from a previous FB post because it was expedient for him to do so at the time. I called him out on it which he didn’t like one bit.

Whilst I saw them in the summer at a family do and was civil / vaguely pleasant for our parents sake, that has been the extent of our contact.

Present from them arrived yesterday. Addressed to both of us but not clearly xmas present. DH opened it , a small hamper thing of food. I wasn’t going to buy them anything this year either. Just send a card and keep things simple. He hasn’t sent this years extortionate wish list though which is an improvement.

I don’t want their ruddy hamper. I don’t want to send them / him a present. I was going to send a card. Why is he doing this?

Eating it would just choke in my throat. I also don’t want him whinging to our parents as happened last year which then got back to me when I don’t reciprocate.

Going to give hamper to food bank I think. Do I send a card? Do I have to send a present? Don’t even feel like thanking him for it to be honest. Or shall I thank him and tell him I am donating it to the food bank.

If the latter course of action is best (donating and telling him) what should I write.eg “Present arrived safely, the local food bank will love it I’m sure. “ and leave it like that ? In a card or just send an email?

Do I have to reciprocate with a present?

Maybe this would be ideal
www.oxfam.org.uk/shop/oxfam-unwrapped/charity-gift-card/pile-of-poo-ou1007ml

Ah this could be Dh and his sibling but it has been iffy for years so it is all so exhausting isn't it ? anyway send them a card anda family voucher amazon of whatever and keep it at that.

Don't say anythingto him don't be the bitter sarky one ! Pile of poo though 😂

Or this one would really get up his nose!
www.oxfam.org.uk/shop/oxfam-unwrapped/charity-gift-card/moomins-equality-ou1222in

What you actually have to do is decide what relationship you want with him going forward. If you are not interested in maintaining any kind of relationship, you do not have to send anything. Definitely don't send the passive aggressive 'we sent it to a foodbank' message. Just don't send anything: no gift, no card, no thanks or acknowledgement.

If, however, you want to maintain a civil but not close relationship, perhaps for your parents sake, I would send a card, say thank you for the hamper, but as agreed before, you won't be sending presents in future and would be happy for them to do the same. Then in future just send a card and let them do whatever they choose.

Text him. "I said last year we weren't doing presents. Would you like your present back as it feels wrong to accept it when we are not going to reciprocate"
Then either return it or donate it.

Or you could take it round to your mum's and say the same.

Accept it for what it appears - a token gesture within the context of a fractured, distant family relationship. If you don't like the hamper contents feel free to donate them; if they're things you like then eat them.

Either accept, say thank you and send a similar token gift or send a card and no gift but I wouldn't send a sarcastic message back - I would just be civil.

Send it to parents house ahead of Christmas to “share” with family....? He will know it’s “from” him, but your parents will think you have been kind and generous. He can’t prove it’s the one he sent to you and he looks like a spiteful shit.

Oh come on OP, just give it to the food bank and get on with your life. You don't actually have to speak with him at all you know? What is the point of commenting on his FB posts if you hate hearing from him. Just don't engage, stop caring what he thinks of he isn't in your life.

Passive aggressive and deliberately inflammatory reciprocal gifts or cards would make you look worse than he does by some margin. Who actually writes to someone just to say 'thanks for the gift the food bank will love it' - very childish.

I know it's hard when people get under your skin OP but there is a degree to which we let them.

You dont have to send a present in return but I wouldn't say something rude or PA either. Just leave it and send a card.

Bacon my heart he wasn’t getting under my skin until the bloody parcel arrived yesterday. I had stopped communication . He blocked me on FB months ago. He wasn’t in my life as far as I was concerned.

I would re wrap it and send it to them with a 'great minds think alike' card

I agree donate it move on you don t have to do anything or even speak to him I only suggested a voucher as a gesture but don't be PA and don't give it to your parents to make him look bad.

I'd thank him politely and send a nice card. No present.

Then donate the hamper, but he doesn't need to know about that.

It sounds rather petty on your behalf, in my opinion. He is clearly trying to maintain some level of relationship, and unless there's a whole dripfeed of how he is a terrible person who has hurt you deeply and you both hate each other I can't fathom why you wouldn't just send a token gift. If all you have to do once a year is spend 20 minutes to post a card and a gift voucher to a sibling who hasn't done anything horrendous to you, then what is the big deal?
One small act each year to keep a connection alive or at least not completely dead is hardly unachievable, and you can spend the other 364.9 days of the year ignoring him.

I think as PP said do you want a relationship with him or not? This seems like a peace offering, no need for PA or sarcastic comments, either ignore it and face the fact you won't have a relationship with him or do as others have suggested and send a card with voucher of equivalent value and keep things civil.

antisupermum maybe he is trying to maintain some sort of relationship. But yes without drip feeding yes I hate him and only have a civil relationship with him for my parents sake when necessary.

Have you decided what you want to do ?

In that case just don't engage. It'll save your sanity.

I hate him and only have a civil relationship with him for my parents sake when necessary

Just don't send anything then. No need for the passive aggressive 'We've given it to a food bank' message.

From an outsider's perspective, he sounds like he's taking a polite but distant stance and being quite grown up. You, on the other hand, sound like you're deliberately trying to wind him up and carry on the petty argument.

If you only have a civil relationship with him for your parents sake I’d charity shop the hamper and not bother with further contact or a present. Life’s too short, don’t keep in contact, don’t engage.

I hate mu beother in law with a pssion. We only exchange gifts for the children. Maybe just stick a tenner in a card for each nephew and leave it at that

Just send a card with a note in it saying thankyou for the hamper, I was very surprised as we had already discussed last year about sending cards in that vain Iv decided that I will pass it on to parents/foodbank etc as I feel it would be hugely appreciated by
Have a lovely Christmas

Gosh an awful lot of drama, why can't you be distant but respectful. Just accept gracefully and send them something as a family or do nothing.
You don't have to live in each other pockets or have the same politically views, just don't react... How sad you hate your brother....