WWYD - unwanted present

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

My brother and I live several hundred miles from each other. We rarely saw each other, the previous time 3 years before at family wedding. Sadly contact was mainly through FB , giving out to him as much as I got to be fair but it showed him in his true bigoted colours mind you.

I fell out with my brother more than a year ago, things had been going very downhill for a while. Contact with his family was always through him , no contact from nephews and SIL despite effort on my part previously.

I had bought presents In the past for him and all his family including SIL who never contacts me and teenage nephews - who I never get a thank you from except through him.

Last year I suggested exchanging cards only in good time ( 2 months before xmas) . This was just after I had received his extortionate wish list - yes 2 months early but I suppose it gives time to save up! I received a very pa response back to my suggestion saying they were very organised and had already got our presents.ie happy to send extortionate list himself but doesn’t want to reciprocate. I didn’t get them anything and just sent a card. They sent presents (very cheap generic thing for me it turned out ) and were annoyed when nothing was retuned.

A few months later he blocked me on FB and there was no contact at all after that. Background to this was He had removed some political comments from a previous FB post because it was expedient for him to do so at the time. I called him out on it which he didn’t like one bit.

Whilst I saw them in the summer at a family do and was civil / vaguely pleasant for our parents sake, that has been the extent of our contact.

Present from them arrived yesterday. Addressed to both of us but not clearly xmas present. DH opened it , a small hamper thing of food. I wasn’t going to buy them anything this year either. Just send a card and keep things simple. He hasn’t sent this years extortionate wish list though which is an improvement.

I don’t want their ruddy hamper. I don’t want to send them / him a present. I was going to send a card. Why is he doing this?

Eating it would just choke in my throat. I also don’t want him whinging to our parents as happened last year which then got back to me when I don’t reciprocate.

Going to give hamper to food bank I think. Do I send a card? Do I have to send a present? Don’t even feel like thanking him for it to be honest. Or shall I thank him and tell him I am donating it to the food bank.

If the latter course of action is best (donating and telling him) what should I write.eg “Present arrived safely, the local food bank will love it I’m sure. “ and leave it like that ? In a card or just send an email?

Do I have to reciprocate with a present?

I agree with beatrice response.

You don't have to have a close relationship. But being the adult is so much better in the long run.
Say thank you, send a Christmas card. leave it at that. Just remain PofA together and keep it veyr low key.

if you meet at a family event, say a civil hello, politely ask after your nephews, smile and move on.

Honestly, the angst and anger isn't worth it, treat him as an aquaintance

OP, remember that they have set the precedent by not thanking you for presents previously. Also, you told them that you're not doing presents any more. And, he's blocked you. And, he sent you a cheap present after requesting expensive ones. So, you have to ask, why has he sent you a present now? It sounds to me like it might be manipulative so personally, I wouldn't reply.

If it ever comes up, you can always give a breezy thank you and move on.

FizzyGreenWater I don't think anyone should be 'telling' their parents to do anything with their own money and their own belongings.

Just be a grown up and avoid petty displays of childish and hurtful rudeness

I agree angie. Think people might be forgetting whose will it is. The op hates and distrusts her brother, but clearly her parents don't.

Just send a simple card: to brother and family from op and family.

Donate the hamper but absolutely do not say that you have done this. It is very rude.

I don't think he wants to keep any sort of relationship. Sending a present seems more like a passive aggressive thing.

In any case, don't let it get to you. Why would you? Unless you suspect it's poisoned just use it, or give it away.
Send the card you intended to, with or without a gift.
And breathe.

BTW, This was just after I had received his extortionate wish list - yes 2 months early but I suppose it gives time to save up! Like for weddings, it's not a summons. Whatever they had in a wish list, you're free to give or not. You only had to get them something you deemed appropriate well within your budget.