WWYD - unwanted present

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

My brother and I live several hundred miles from each other. We rarely saw each other, the previous time 3 years before at family wedding. Sadly contact was mainly through FB , giving out to him as much as I got to be fair but it showed him in his true bigoted colours mind you.

I fell out with my brother more than a year ago, things had been going very downhill for a while. Contact with his family was always through him , no contact from nephews and SIL despite effort on my part previously.

I had bought presents In the past for him and all his family including SIL who never contacts me and teenage nephews - who I never get a thank you from except through him.

Last year I suggested exchanging cards only in good time ( 2 months before xmas) . This was just after I had received his extortionate wish list - yes 2 months early but I suppose it gives time to save up! I received a very pa response back to my suggestion saying they were very organised and had already got our presents.ie happy to send extortionate list himself but doesn’t want to reciprocate. I didn’t get them anything and just sent a card. They sent presents (very cheap generic thing for me it turned out ) and were annoyed when nothing was retuned.

A few months later he blocked me on FB and there was no contact at all after that. Background to this was He had removed some political comments from a previous FB post because it was expedient for him to do so at the time. I called him out on it which he didn’t like one bit.

Whilst I saw them in the summer at a family do and was civil / vaguely pleasant for our parents sake, that has been the extent of our contact.

Present from them arrived yesterday. Addressed to both of us but not clearly xmas present. DH opened it , a small hamper thing of food. I wasn’t going to buy them anything this year either. Just send a card and keep things simple. He hasn’t sent this years extortionate wish list though which is an improvement.

I don’t want their ruddy hamper. I don’t want to send them / him a present. I was going to send a card. Why is he doing this?

Eating it would just choke in my throat. I also don’t want him whinging to our parents as happened last year which then got back to me when I don’t reciprocate.

Going to give hamper to food bank I think. Do I send a card? Do I have to send a present? Don’t even feel like thanking him for it to be honest. Or shall I thank him and tell him I am donating it to the food bank.

If the latter course of action is best (donating and telling him) what should I write.eg “Present arrived safely, the local food bank will love it I’m sure. “ and leave it like that ? In a card or just send an email?

Do I have to reciprocate with a present?

I agree with what relationship do yo want with him? With your nephews?

there is no point in being hurtful just for the sake of it.

Send a Christmas card. Say in it, thank you for the hamper, as we said last year we aren't doing presents any more.
or send a token gift

Sounds like a whole lot of drama over nothing. Ignore the present. Get on with your life.

I have a similar situation with my parents. I was fine with no contact and thought that it was all settled until they sent me a letter with a cheque. I'm finding it very unsettling to be honest and I don't quite know what to do. Even before I stopped contact they hadn't given me a gift of any kind in about 12 years.

It's stupid, but I'm finding it all so upsetting that I've asked my husband to deal with it and them. I haven't even read the letter, he gave me a summary. I think they are doing what they have done in the past, which is to just pretend that nothing has ever happened and they have never been abusive, controlling or neglectful.

OP, you could put the hamper in a box and leave it there for a few weeks. You don't have to deal with this now. You can demote your brother to your list of things you will deal with later, when you feel like it. He doesn't have to be important enough to demand your full attention now. I reckon that after Christmas has passed this won't feel so emotionally charged and you will easily decide what to do with the hamper. As for sending him a gift, I think that would send entirely the wrong message.

I would be happy to have no relationship with him.
But. ... Big drip feed here sorry .....
My parents have made us joint power of attorney and joint executors of their not inconsiderable will. I wasn’t happy about either particularly. We have a younger brother too who is not involved and may not know all of this.

If my brother was sole P of A I think he will do things for his convenience not theirs should it ever be needed . He has form for this - when my mother was in intensive care a while ago , he came for 24 hrs and then went home to be in for a tesco delivery and never visited again.

I-stayed for 2 weeks looking after both of them. At least being a joint P of A I can make sure that my parents wishes would be respected. Hopefully we will never have to use it.

When I checked on line I could see there are a lot of pitfalls with joint executors which requires good communication. With the best will in the world that ship has long sailed and I would rather they appointed an independent executor.

So yes there is a huge backstory to this, sorry.

Send an Oxfam gift, be polite, and don't mention donating the hamper. There's no need to get petty about it. It will only cause problems when you have to work togeher in the future.

Send him a thank you email and then donate it to the foodbank. No need to be rude and not reply, much as you justifiably feel like it.

You don't need to apologise for drip feeding it all sounds tough .

Regift him the hamper he sent....

Jesus please don't send a "thank you, p.s im taking it to the local food bank"!! If you don't want it do it in private.

Was it in a box ect? If so I would wait until Christmas day, send him a email or card after with Thank you and apologies for miscommunication as you mentioned you were not getting gifts for each other last year, and so you haven't done so this year for him.

Leave it at that. My DM has a problem like this with my auntie. There's no actual fight but bitterness, but my mum mentioned no gifts to her this year (me and sibling are expecting babies) and so my auntie has told my grandmother not to get any of us gifts either (we all have small children under 5). She just looks childish now, try avoid that stance.

Yanbu.

However. I'm no contact with some family members. And it's shit. If I could turn back time I'd be the adult. Unless there's a damn good reason most things can be got over.

I'd foodbank the hamper. And send a nice tin of biscuits via Amazon or something just to keep the animosity at bay.

What's your relationship like with your parents and what do they think of him?

Do they think he's got their best interests at heart - I wonder whether they would agree to remove him from PA/exec.

If you tell them bluntly he's unlikely to make it an easy process when they do go and likely to cause issues with their care as he doesn't give much of a shit, would they listen? And also tell them you don't care about bad feeling as you won't be in touch with him after they pass away.

As @Ginkypig said but perhaps not mention the foodbank as it may ignite emotions. Then withdraw and let what little contact you have dwindle to nothing. Simples!

I have a good relationship with my parents and they know I have their interests at heart and care for them. My brother sees them rarely and only if he wants something eg child care for his teenage sons which my parents in their eighties were getting exhausted with but couldn’t say no. On the other hand it was the only chance my mum ever got to see them.

I think my father was trying to save money appointing us as joint executors but I think a frank talk is needed because this could end up as being more expensive in the long run . Eg my parents own many valuable items which I do not trust my brother on.

I still worry about the P of A hope we never have to use it although I think I am just burying that worry in the sand along with my head.

Obviously as you hate him then you are not wanting to recipricate .However he obviously wants to hold out an olive branch to you .The one thing in all this is if you fall out altogether ,Your parents may be upset and it will be difficult for them .Maybe just send M and S voucher and donate hamper to food bank/good friend/whatever .

Goodness what a lot of drama you seem to want to start. Do consider how awkward and upsetting it would be for your parents if
you send your passive aggressive message. No need for it imo.
I'd just send a card and perhaps an Amazon/Waterstones voucher. You will have to deal with one another in the future if you're both POA.
As pp said how sad you 'hate' your brother.

I think you need to be very clear what sort of relationship you want from him. If you hate him, don't want a relationship with him and just want to be PoA together and that is all, then that is your answer: don't reply.

That said, if you want to reply, I would be as authentic as possible. Eg: "Thanks for the present. As you know, we're keeping it simple these days by not giving presents any more, but wish you all the best for Christmas and the new year."

Other ideas: put a tenner in a card for the children or give a charity donation on their behalf.

Don't be passive aggressive. Just don't. It won't help you at all.

They are aware we have fallen out . At the family do they thankfully put us on separate tables.

he wasn't getting under my skin

I think he was!

sil never contacts me
never got a thankyou
exorbitant wish list
pa response
cheap generic thing
i called him out on it
it would choke in my throat

All from your op
.

I think it is very clear from your comments that he is under your skin and has been for some time. My advice to you is to stop picking at the spot.

Your best bet is to go NC and stop looking for his faults, you know you will find them and they will fester away.

I think you need to be very clear what sort of relationship you want from him. If you hate him, don't want a relationship with him and just want to be PoA together and that is all, then that is your answer: don't reply
Be. Interested to know others views on this reply

Just don't send anything - you;ve made your decision, you;ve communicated your wishes to him, and he has ignored them. That's fine if he wants to send a present you can't stop him, but his behaviour shouldn't determine yours, just as your wishes haven't influenced him.
Send card if you want to, don;t mention presents.
Either keep or donate the hamper and behvae as if nothing has happened.

I think you need to be very clear what sort of relationship you want from him. If you hate him, don't want a relationship with him and just want to be PoA together and that is all, then that is your answer: don't reply
Sorry bold highlighting failed before

Other views on this response?

I think you need a very frank talk with your parents.

Tell them they need to make a very clear will specifying where each valuable item goes OR listing them in the will as things which are to be valued, sold and the proceeds put into the estate.

And ask if they would appoint external executors and remove him from POA 'as it's just going to be a hassle for you having to be there too, to deal with every little issue'

I would give the hamper to my parents so they can share it with everyone. Will you be seeing them over Christmas? I am imagining a scenario where the siblings all visit the parents with their families at Christmas, so if your parents have the hamper food just there, then everyone can have a bit andyour brother is less likely to feel that is gift has been spurned.

Send him a card, as for a gift, find something impersonal like a box of Christmas biscuits, which can also be easily shared.

I think you need to be very clear what sort of relationship you want from him. If you hate him, don't want a relationship with him and just want to be PoA together and that is all, then that is your answer: don't reply

I think I agree with it until "don't reply". Don't have any relationship with him of course, but a thank you is just courteous.

I once got an awful response from a horrible relative when we sent them an invitation to our wedding. It was fucking bonkers. All scrawled over saying how they would never come blah blah. Small back story, but believe me, in the context the response was fully insane. I still sent a brief reply saying sorry it had caused offence and that it really wasn't my intention to offend them. No, we don't have a relationship anymore, but at least if our paths cross, we can say a polite hello and how are you.

There is a massive difference between having basic manners and being a pushover. You don't have to let him back into your life, but don't become a twat because of him.

A polite thank you and the card you were planning to send all along wouldn't be like you are suddenly bffs.

But if you're determined to be antagonistic about it and say I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM, TAKE HIM OFF THE WILL.... well... good luck with that.

Well, this is still my response

What you actually have to do is decide what relationship you want with him going forward. If you are not interested in maintaining any kind of relationship, you do not have to send anything. Definitely don't send the passive aggressive 'we sent it to a foodbank' message. Just don't send anything: no gift, no card, no thanks or acknowledgement.