To spend 10x more on my parents than ILs xmas presents?

[babybrain77]

My family has always 'done' Christmas. There was always a big pile of presents under the tree and now that we are adults, we each spend a decent amount on each other. We don't do birthdays - at most we give each other a card.

DHs family are more reserved - they give each other one or two little things and the same at birthdays. Some of it is different financial means, but it's more just a different approach.

Last year (first year we were married) - I said to DH we should spend roughly equal amounts on our immediate families. I toned back my spend and we were a bit more generous than DH would normally be with his family. It didnt really work. On my side it was fine, but on his side it was awkward although DH had laid foundations with his family.

So this year, we decided we would go back to the historical norm. We have got his parents some small bits and bobs (probably £50 value each still). For my dad, I wanted to replace a sentimental item of my late grandmothers which was stolen in a burglary earlier this year. It was costly.

My sister has been round and we discussed presents and she said it was unfair to spend so much more on our parents than ILs. FIL is joining for xmas lunch but it will be after my parents have been round to exchange gifts, so I don't anticipate weirdness there. But AIBU?

I haven’t voted because I think a lot of it comes down to whether your in-laws would be offended. Would they take it at face value - they’re not big on Christmas, so they don’t mind you not spending a lot on them - or would they be upset that, as you clearly ARE big on Christmas, you spend so much more on your parents?

Is the plan to spend this much more forevermore, or is it a bit of a one-off because this is a gift with such an important sentimental meaning?

I think it’s fine. You’re just continuing with each family tradition. As long as they aren’t all in the same room when you swap gifts, I see no issue with this.

I don't see any problem with it to be honest, it would make sense to be as generous as you've always been with your own parents, and give less to his parents because that's what they're used to. It sounds like his side do things a bit differently, so I'd go with their version for them. I can't see it being awkward. I'm sure it'll feel more normal.than last year

My DH's parents are more frugal in their ways, and don't really like being given things. It took me years to get used to.

I don't think ILs will know what we have got for my parents because they won't be around on xmas morning. MIL is 'too busy' to call in with us over xmas (she is hoping DH will say that we will go to her but we want to do our xmas at home with DS this year).

But if they knew, yes, MIL would probably take offence. FIL would be fine, I think.

I think as time goes by and more children join the families (DS is first grandchild on either side), we will probably not spend so much on adults. So I expect the spend will equalise again in time - this year would be an extreme

I think it’s fine; we’re in the opposite scenario where my mil spends a lot on presents and treats me equally to DH so we spend more on her present whereas my mum doesn’t so we spend less. We don’t spend Christmas all together so I haven’t really anticipated it as a problem

We have a similar set up. DH’s family don’t really ‘do’ presents (token gifts for everyone) whereas mine are very into gift giving.
We spend far more on my parents that his, and they spend far more on us than his parents do. We’ve been doing it like this for 10 years now and so far no issues.
However this year is the first year that my DM and the IL’s will all be here on Christmas morning! I’ve suggested that we exchange presents with my DM in the afternoon after the IL’s have gone.

We spend unequal amounts on both sides - we just carried on with what we'd always done. We've never discussed it with either side.

However my brother is very well off and spends more on us/my children than we do on them and they are fine with that too. He's also very generous to our parents but we sign all their gifts from both of us and I pay the amount i would spend if it wasn't joint.

Well, it’s fine, as long as in the future you wouldn't mind PIL spending more on another grandchild than yours etc..

I have no idea what H spends on his mum compared to what I spend on my dad.

We just do what we have always done with our own parents.

We have unequal amounts too. My family have a £30 spend limit per adult and £20 for a child. DH is an only child and we spend at least £300-£400 on my MIL. No-one else will buy her a significant gift (my mum buys her a bit of something, but that's all.) She also doesn't have much money.

I would just let your dh buy what he wants for his parents and you buy what you want for yours. I'm not a fan of joint finances, was aghast that a previous poster's husband would not let her spend, £200 on an upgrade, but realise others do things differently.

I think it depends where the money is coming from. If you are buying an expensive present for your dad from your own personal money it's fine. If you're buying it from a joint account I think it's unfair.

Normal to spend more on your own family I think, but I guess I find it a bit odd if it's a joint present from you and DH. I'm that you're spending ten times more when you're spending £50 each on the ILs -- £500 each on your mum and dad???

We have joint finances and spend more on my family than DH’s. He’s perfectly happy with it... his parents would think he’d gone insane if he spent more than he does on them, and my family like to treat him so he’s happy to reciprocate.

We have a similar thing - DH’s family are a lot more moneyed than my lot, and high value gifts are a thing. Since we had DC we’ve reduced the amount we spend but it’s still way more than I spend on my parents (and if I spent the same my parents would be actively uncomfortable about it). That said, we’ve booked my parents into a nice Airbnb nearby so they can be with us at Christmas (we don’t have enough room for them to stay and my mum needs adapted bathroom etc) and I’ve told them that’s part of their Christmas present. If they knew how much it cost they’d be horrified, but I’ve spun it as being cheaper than a Travelodge.

If meeting half-way is £250, I would be a little bit aghast if I received trinkets generally. Our family gets £20-30 gifts, so I can't actually figure out what I would do with £500 from all of them?!?

I think it's fine - provided your parents don't open their presents in front of ILs as then it would be really obvious. I spend more on my parents than ILs, but MIL doesn't seem that bothered about Christmas, there is always some reason she hasn't had time to do anything and she has a big family. For example, last year she just got 4 unwrapped books out of her bag and told us to choose one each and that was our present. My parents want me to help organise their presents to me, our 2 DS and DP, they choose carefully, my mum will always make us something (hat/scarf or gloves), they bring Christmas food, they always put money in our 2 DS's savings accounts etc. So they are very different.

I spend more with my ILs who are much more into Christmas and gift giving. We also spend Christmas Day with them every year. My family aren’t big on Christmas, have less money and presents are more modest. I’ll always find nice things for mine, but we do spend less. I wouldn’t discuss it with either side.

We do unequal amounts here. My family is Christmas crazy and also v v loving. My DM will have bought me a lot of gifts that she can barely afford on her pension despite me telling her not to. In return I've spent about £300 on her.

DH's family is token gifts which they all pretend to be very excited about even though to my mind zero thought has gone in to them. He will get the same present (cheapest bottle port being discounted in Waitrose) that he has got for the last 25 years which is also when he last liked port. His mum is loaded but has made spiteful comments about making sure I don't get any of their money

For that reason his mother is getting a box of chocs from the garden centre.

We have a joint account. Despite MIL viewing me as a gold digger, all the money put in it is mine as DH can't work due to disability. I'd have been happy to buy her better presents, it's her own son who doesn't want to.

I think it's okay if it's what's expected for that family. My DH's family don't even really send birthday cards (apart from the grandparents). I've certainly never received a birthday card from my BIL or niece/nephew on that side. In return, we don't generally give presents or cards, although at Christmas I give the children some money each (about £10-£20 each) and we don't expect anything.

By contrast, my side of the family always do birthday and Christmas presents and cards, we do meals and gatherings together. I buy them things around £20-£30 each as that's what I've always done.

I'm sure DH's family don't care, otherwise they'd make more of an effort.

I do spend about twice as much on my dad (or more) than we do on PIL but that’s partly because my mum is dead.... so essentially I spend her share on him.

DH spends a fortune on MIL at Christmas. She sends him a list and he adheres to it - not sure if it's always been that way but it's been that way since we met so I'd assume so.

I buy my parents Fortnum's hampers and frame some lovely photos of the DC each Christmas, so not cheap but also not Apple watches, Canada Goose crap and iPads like DH gets MIL. I don't mind, but it's definitely odd to ask your son for items over £500 each Christmas.

It depends on whether the ILs will mind, I come from a family that doesn't really do presents also and if/when my DC have their own families I would certainly not want to start getting presents for the sake of spending equal money, I'd probably politely return them but as I'm not your ILs that's no help to you

YANBU. My in laws have tried various ways of doing Xmas - £5 limit, larger limit, secret Santa etc. I'm happy to play along. But I still spend £50 - £100 on each of my parents. Why would I cut them off just because someone they barely know set an arbitrary limit?

We always did that for similar reasons. Just weren't close to my (now ex) in laws. This year stbexh is in charge of gifts for them so they'll be lucky to get a box of chocolates from the garage