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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To spend 10x more on my parents than ILs xmas presents?

62 replies

babybrain77 · 16/12/2019 20:11

My family has always 'done' Christmas. There was always a big pile of presents under the tree and now that we are adults, we each spend a decent amount on each other. We don't do birthdays - at most we give each other a card.

DHs family are more reserved - they give each other one or two little things and the same at birthdays. Some of it is different financial means, but it's more just a different approach.

Last year (first year we were married) - I said to DH we should spend roughly equal amounts on our immediate families. I toned back my spend and we were a bit more generous than DH would normally be with his family. It didnt really work. On my side it was fine, but on his side it was awkward although DH had laid foundations with his family.

So this year, we decided we would go back to the historical norm. We have got his parents some small bits and bobs (probably £50 value each still). For my dad, I wanted to replace a sentimental item of my late grandmothers which was stolen in a burglary earlier this year. It was costly.

My sister has been round and we discussed presents and she said it was unfair to spend so much more on our parents than ILs. FIL is joining for xmas lunch but it will be after my parents have been round to exchange gifts, so I don't anticipate weirdness there. But AIBU?

OP posts:
GoodDogBellaBoo · 16/12/2019 21:01

Family traditions. We do the same. It’s fine.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 16/12/2019 21:01

I do think you are slightly being unfair here. Like you said if MiL knew she would take offence so I do think deep down you know it is not fair. I always seen it as important to see both sides as equals. So any gifts will be equal of value for both families. No DC yet but once we do I will ensure both sides are equally involved and get identical amount of time with DC. Fiancé's family will be as much my family as they are his. It is the way my DM brought me up and I will continue to do the same. Even after the divorce she still referred to grandparents as Father and Mother ringing to this day on a weekly basis

MereDintofPandiculation · 16/12/2019 21:03

Normal to spend about as much as the recipient spends on you - that way, neither of you are left embarrassed. So if inlaws spend £500 on you and parents spend £50, it's reasonable to reflect that.

bluebluezoo · 16/12/2019 21:03

How will they know? Do you exchange presents all at once or to they catch up later to compare and contrast?

I have no idea how much dh spends on hi parents and family. I doubt he adds up how much i spend on mine. We just get them what they want...

DumbFlagScum · 16/12/2019 21:05

My parents do Xmas properly. They are also generous with food booze and their time, more than once they've dropped everything to help us.

I am like my parents and know that I am v hospitable, make cakes for visitors, wines always flowing etc etc.

My inlaws are stingy mother fuckers who barely scrape together a plate of jammy dodgers if we visit. They tiptoe around all anxious and would never ever give. They're just mean...every year we both get really crap charity shop books. Given the effort I've always shown them, I find it offensive so now I get them great stuff but only in the sale. Stops me frothing.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/12/2019 21:05

Who pays? If separate finances then it’s down to the individual but if joint or one person is funding everything equal spending so it’s fair.

BlouseAndSkirt · 16/12/2019 21:06

Presumably you get costly presents from your family, so...

What is important is that you can afford it, and that gifts are chosen and given with thought and care.

Also - to me, £50 on parents is loads!

Elbeagle · 16/12/2019 21:08

if joint or one person is funding everything equal spending so it’s fair

But DH sees it as fair that we spend more on my parents than his, as my parents spend far more on him than his parents do.

saraclara · 16/12/2019 21:09

I think it's absolutely fine to stick to your own family's norms.

If for any reason MIL found out and was annoyed, you can simply say 'my family doesn't do birthdays so we make up for it at Christmas'

(hopefully, she doesn't need to know the value of that one-off gift for your dad this year)

newmumwithquestions · 16/12/2019 21:09

I think it’s fine. We spend a bit more on my parents than in laws, because we have always done Christmas more in my family. Recently my parents inherited a bit of money and now spend more on us than we do on them and I have no qualms about that - it’s what they want to do.
My in laws don’t do presents as much so we don’t spend as much on them. We once bought MIL a laptop for a present but she needed one and wasn’t in a good position to buy herself one. We wouldn’t be able to do that all the time but could as a one off. The next present we were back to much lower value gifts. She always gets me something little though and always sends a card for my birthday which I appreciate.

MamaDane · 16/12/2019 21:10

YANBU
But why not just let your DH deal with the in laws presents and you with your parents? Then you do each your own usual way. That's what we do here. I usually don't even know what we are giving the in laws until they are opening the presents right before my eyes Grin

Batqueen · 16/12/2019 21:12

YANBU My dp just spent nearly £200 on his dads 70th bday present and was doubting himself when I said I would never spend that on mine but I reminded him that he shouldn’t change what he does because my family does things differently. His dad was really touched. It’s only a problem if you can’t afford it or if one family loses out because so much is spent on the other or you are clearly playing favourites. In this case you clearly wouldn’t mind spending more on his family but they wouldn’t like it and you are respectful of that.

Swirlygirl · 16/12/2019 21:12

Just stick to equal amounts. Saves future fall outs.

EasterIssland · 16/12/2019 21:12

My parents are getting a holiday
My in laws a voucher for a restaurant
Different? Maybe but also we each do our family and also my mum normally gives me money which I’d say it’s more than what in laws have spent on us. Also my parents give me money as that’s what I’ve requested and In laws just buy me stuff for the shake of buying even if I don’t want/need/like it

SarahAndQuack · 16/12/2019 21:18

I think it's fine. If you don't discuss every detail with your DP you might not even notice how much he spends on his parents compared with how much you spend on yours.

Your MIL is a grown woman. She really ought to get over being offended, IMO.

We spend similar amounts on both sides of the family at Christmas (maybe slightly more for my side), but they make a huge deal out of birthdays. Initially DP thought it was unfair, but I keep telling her my brothers would think it odd if I bought them presents and wouldn't actually be very pleased as it'd make them feel obliged to find something for me. None of us has the time or energy for that!

golfbuggy · 16/12/2019 21:19

DH spends more on his parents than I do on mine but we buy presents from our own personal money. But we are talking the difference between £50 and £80, not 10 times as much.

I'm with a PP who thinks that £50 on each of MIL and FIL is loads for an adult gift. Spending 10 times this is very extravagant - fine if you can afford it, but unless you and DH are strictly spending personal money and this is made very clear to your families, I can absolutely see how your in-laws might be very offended. As mentioned by a PP - would you be happy for your in-laws to spend more on another grandchild than they do on yours because "families do things differently"?

Original poster
babybrain77 · 16/12/2019 21:23

I'm glad that there are lots of people who do similar as I was doubting myself!

In terms of money - it's all being paid for from joint money. DH is studying currently for a career change so I am 'earning' it but all our finances are shared.

I'd love to leave DH to get on with it, but he gets really stressed with Christmas and presents. His parents are divorced and he struggles to engage/enjoy at all on his side of the family. He appreciates help and suggestions for what to get his family members.

I think it's also worth saying (as others have suggested) that my parents will spend much more on us than ILs will. This year, my parents have asked if they can buy a new car seat for DS amongst other stuff, which will be £250 odd which we won't have to spend early in the new year. On DHs side it's very much novelty/jokey presents.

The stuff I would usually get for my parents would be things which we could do or enjoy together. For example, a spa day at a nice hotel or a weekend away somewhere. Less time for that now that DS has arrived but maybe in the future!

OP posts:
Lifeinaplasticbox · 16/12/2019 21:28

Just keep doing what you’re doing op. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 16/12/2019 21:29

The one thing you will have to be careful with is how much they spend on your DS. If you think nothing of spending £500 on your parents then presumably they think nothing of spending a large amount on you/DS. I hope MIL doesn't feel uncomfortable if she doesn't spend an equal amount on DS.

EasterIssland · 16/12/2019 21:35

You’re In the same position as me as I’ve posted before. I think it’s right to continue the way you have done until now

Notnownotneverever · 16/12/2019 21:36

It is not your sister’s business so as long as you and your DH are happy then there is no problem. It is your choice and your DH sounds like he is happy with the arrangement.

FAQs · 16/12/2019 21:40

You’re replacing something which had sentimental value I think that tops any money value.

Original poster
babybrain77 · 16/12/2019 21:41

@Notnownotneverever yes DH is happy to go with the flow. He was a bit bemused by how we do christmas when we first met, but I think that had as much to do with all really enjoying spending time together as the actual money. He couldn't fathom wanting to go to the theatre, spa etc with his parents but is always happy to join me with mine.

OP posts:
Wonkybanana · 16/12/2019 21:42

We spent very different amounts when our parents were alive. DP's family do small presents (think something like a box of Elizabeth Shaw chocs) whereas mine would easily spend £100 IF it was something we wanted (one year it was asset of cupboards - my lot never did do 'gifts' Grin).

One year we treated his family the same as mine and they were clearly horrified and embarrassed. We never made that mistake again.

runwithme · 16/12/2019 21:43

I agree with they way you are doing it. Your parents are different people and you should carry on with how you've done it.

I spend more on mum than we do on the ILs. Its not something we have discussed, its just the way it happens. My DDad passed away so I only spend money on her, and she does SO much for us, it is unbelievable. DM spends Christmas Eve with us so she is always here in the morning and will open her presents -whatever ungodly hour the DC wake up at- in the morning whereas if the IL are coming they open their presents -right after their ceremonial giving of large plastic tat to the DC- upon arrival.