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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want DP roommate to move out?

32 replies

Housingsitch · 16/12/2019 18:22

My DP and I have been in a more or less long-distance relationship (same country, different cities) for the last couple of years. I finally found a job in their city and the obvious next step is for me to move in. We've both been longing to finally get to live together.

My DP owns a flat. The problem for me is DP has a roommate. The roomie is a nice person, we have friends in common, and we all get on well, but I just don't want to live in that kind of house-share. We are all late 20s to early 30s and I've been there and done that. I just want to live with my DP.

DP doesn't see the problem. DP enjoys living with this person and see it as a good way to make a bit of extra cash. We had a discussion about it last night and DP was very taken aback when I suggested asking the roommate to move out. DP feels it's mean to make roommate leave when they've done nothing wrong. It would also mean DP would have to have a very awkward conversation they don't want to have, as I'm the one who wants the roommate to move out.

AIB totally U and selfish? Should I just suck it up and move into a shared house even though I promised myself I would never do that again? I've been living on my own for 2+ years and love it. The idea of living with anyone who isn't my partner makes me feel a bit stressed as I used to house share and could never relax.

OP posts:
Grobagsforever · 16/12/2019 18:25

Neither of you is being unreasonable you just want different things. You want a committed relationship and are prepared to move halfway across the country to achieve this. Your partner wants nothing much to change.

Personally I'd not move.

ImaginaryCat · 16/12/2019 18:27

I think it's unfair to insist the housemate goes straight away. Chances are he'll choose to leave after a few months when he feels like a fifth wheel, but in the meantime your DP doesn't want to lose the income without being certain it's going to work out with you. I think it's a fairly sensible approach.

avocadochocolate · 16/12/2019 18:27

I suspect the roommate will move of his own accord. Give it time.

HostessTrolley · 16/12/2019 18:28

Maybe the room mate will feel awkward living as third wheel with a couple so it might happen naturally anyway...

TopOftheNaughtyList · 16/12/2019 18:29

I assume you mean flatmate rather than roommate OP, as them sharing a room would definitely be a big ask for you Grin.

It's a bit horrible to expect your DP to turf out his flatmate as soon as you move in. As you've never lived with your OP before it would be good for the flatmate to stay a while while you see if you and your DP are compatible living together first. For all you know you may hate it and want to move out again in a few months and then your DP would be left managing the flat on his own. With any luck the flatmate may decide he doesn't want to live with a loved up couple and find his own place after a while.

bridgetreilly · 16/12/2019 18:30

Do DP and the roommate rent together or is one the owner of the property? If they rent together then I think the kinder thing is for your DP to offer either to move out, or if the roommate prefers, for him to move out, BUT not until they are due to renew their lease. It would be really unfair on the roommate to be expected to do that at short notice.

FruitcakeOfHate · 16/12/2019 18:30

You don't want the same things. Neither one of you is wrong but YABU to try to insist. If you move into his place then you don't have the right to ask the other party to move out.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 16/12/2019 18:32

What are your thoughts on marriage?

MoonlightBonnet · 16/12/2019 18:33

Don’t move into the flat. In fact I’d reconsider moving to his city at all as it sounds like he doesn’t really want a grown up relationship. But if you’re committed to the move, rent your own flat there and see how it goes.

StCharlotte · 16/12/2019 18:34

I shared a house with three lads: one other lodger and the two owners. It was a lovely happy household. Then one of the owners' girlfriends moved in. She was French and was utterly charming on visits but when she moved in it was like a switch had flipped and she became a total horror. Particularly to me. The last straw was the day she confronted me with a clump of long dark hair and yelled at me that I was disgusting for not cleaning out the bath plug hole and for leaving my hair in it. Which would be fine except the lads were all blond, I had short red hair and she had... long dark hair.

I moved out, they split up and we all lived happily ever after.

You could try that technique and save your boyfriend having the conversation Wink

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/12/2019 18:38

We've both been longing to finally get to live together.

Are you sure? I mean that nicely. Someone needs to compromise here. If you're both dying to live together, surely one of you would find it quite easy to do? If you can't compromise on this, I wouldn't be moving that far. It's a big commitment and it sounds like you've both got set ways of living that may not align.

HeddaGarbled · 16/12/2019 18:40

I think the best thing would be for the two of you to find a new place together.

FruitcakeOfHate · 16/12/2019 18:41

You could try that technique and save your boyfriend having the conversation wink

It's one of those annoying gender neutral OPs where the OP thinks answers will be different if singular pronouns are used which is ridiculous. Hence all the 'DP' and 'they' bollocks.

You don't want the same things. It's unreasonable to expect the flatmate to move out.

So you deal or live in your own.

Happinessinapeartree · 16/12/2019 18:41

@HeddaGarbled

Why? He owns the flat already. Does he just gift it to his lodger?

selmabear · 16/12/2019 18:49

Chances are the roommate will leave of his own accord once you move in.

Shoxfordian · 16/12/2019 18:52

Doesn't seem like he wants a serious relationship

Cohle · 16/12/2019 18:53

I don't think either of you ABU, but this is exactly the sort of issue you have to compromise over/resolve together all the time if you live together.

adaline · 16/12/2019 18:55

I suspect the flatmate will move out once you move in, anyway. Why would he/she want to play third wheel to your relationship?

RhiWrites · 16/12/2019 18:58

When my partner and I wanted to live together I gave my lodger notice. I was polite, I gave three months, but I wanted to live with my partner not wait for the housemate to decide to leave on their own time.

YANBU to ask for this. The fact your partner isn’t keen would give me doubts about the relationship.

Quartz2208 · 16/12/2019 18:59

SIL has been married 8 years.

THe lodger is still there

Drum2018 · 16/12/2019 19:00

Surely you'll be paying rent so your bf won't be missing out financially. I wouldn't move in under the circumstances so if your dp insists on his flatmate staying then don't move in.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/12/2019 19:02

My impression is your boyfriend isn't mature enough for, or interested in, an adult relationship. I certainly wouldn't move in only to live like you're back in uni. Fuck that.

LadyAllegraImelda · 16/12/2019 19:05

It sounds like he just wants you to make the effort in the relationship, no reason why he couldn't give a decent amount of notice, he'd rather upset you than the lodger. Doesn't sound like you are his priority if even the lodger comes before you, especially when you are willing to move cities!

LadyAllegraImelda · 16/12/2019 19:06

Maybe he feels this would be a way to keep the relationship more casual.

ReanimatedSGB · 16/12/2019 19:10

Does your DP actually want you to move in? Who suggested it initially? If it's all coming from you then I suggest you slow down a little - trying to railroad someone into a more committed relationship than they are offering is never going to work out.