AIBU to want DP roommate to move out?

[Housingsitch]

My DP and I have been in a more or less long-distance relationship (same country, different cities) for the last couple of years. I finally found a job in their city and the obvious next step is for me to move in. We've both been longing to finally get to live together.

My DP owns a flat. The problem for me is DP has a roommate. The roomie is a nice person, we have friends in common, and we all get on well, but I just don't want to live in that kind of house-share. We are all late 20s to early 30s and I've been there and done that. I just want to live with my DP.

DP doesn't see the problem. DP enjoys living with this person and see it as a good way to make a bit of extra cash. We had a discussion about it last night and DP was very taken aback when I suggested asking the roommate to move out. DP feels it's mean to make roommate leave when they've done nothing wrong. It would also mean DP would have to have a very awkward conversation they don't want to have, as I'm the one who wants the roommate to move out.

AIB totally U and selfish? Should I just suck it up and move into a shared house even though I promised myself I would never do that again? I've been living on my own for 2+ years and love it. The idea of living with anyone who isn't my partner makes me feel a bit stressed as I used to house share and could never relax.

[Housingsitch]

Thanks for all the replies.

Sorry about the gender neutrality. Wanted to make it as unidentifiable as possible as I've discussed it with friends who may be on here but I'm sure they could work it out from other details anyway. Partner is male, flatmate is female. I have never been worried about the dynamic between them and believe I would feel the same way if the flatmate was male. I just don't want the whole shared household thing. Like someone said, it's like being back at uni.

We've been together for several years and lived together previously, which worked really well. I'm not worried about his commitment to the relationship. This job offer was unexpected as I only applied on the off chance - he was the one who immediately said how great it was that we could finally live together.

He owns the place so would need to ask lodger to move out.

I think it hadn't occurred to him that I would have a problem with living with a third person and it took him by surprise. He's a bit awkward and is definitely the kind of person who would dread that kind of conversation. I'm just afraid that if I don't push a little bit, the flatmate will still be there in 8 years time, as one pp said.

I will talk to him again and try to explain myself a bit better. The suggestion of sucking it up and giving it 6 months is a good one. Like people say, she might decide to move out on her own accord.

[MarianaMoatedGrange]

The lodger is more important than you are to your DP.

[Span1elsRock]

I moved into DH's house, which he shared with a lodger.

Don't do it. I was the one made to feel like an outsider, they were very untidy and whenever I wanted to use the kitchen/bathroom/living room, they were in it. And because they were there first, they did their best to make me feel awkward.

After 3 months, I told DH I was moving back home unless the lodger went.

I'd take it that he's not bothered tbh.........

[everythingthelighttouches]

I can’t tell if you are trying to obscure the sex of your partner or their flat mate?

But this information could prove useful.

Are you concerned there is a romantic dynamic to your partner’s relationship with their flat mate?

[whiteroseredrose]

When I moved in with (now) DH he had a lodger. The lodger moved out when we got married because his mum told him to!

[IceCreamFace]

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable and a compromise is needed. Personally I'd probably feel like you and want to live without a roommate that said if DH is close to the roomie it's totally understandable he doesn't want to chuck them out (does DH own the flat or would the roomie have just as much claim to it?).
I would go for a compromise. Live together for some amount of time with the roommate (maybe 6 months) and then if the relationship is solid get a place just the two of you.

[Purpleartichoke]

Your dp is not ready to make the commitment of moving in together. If you want to move to the same city, get your own place, but I would not move cities just for this person.

[ReanimatedSGB]

Does your DP actually want you to move in? Who suggested it initially? If it's all coming from you then I suggest you slow down a little - trying to railroad someone into a more committed relationship than they are offering is never going to work out.

[LadyAllegraImelda]

Maybe he feels this would be a way to keep the relationship more casual.

[LadyAllegraImelda]

It sounds like he just wants you to make the effort in the relationship, no reason why he couldn't give a decent amount of notice, he'd rather upset you than the lodger. Doesn't sound like you are his priority if even the lodger comes before you, especially when you are willing to move cities!

[Aquamarine1029]

My impression is your boyfriend isn't mature enough for, or interested in, an adult relationship. I certainly wouldn't move in only to live like you're back in uni. Fuck that.

[Drum2018]

Surely you'll be paying rent so your bf won't be missing out financially. I wouldn't move in under the circumstances so if your dp insists on his flatmate staying then don't move in.

[Quartz2208]

SIL has been married 8 years.

THe lodger is still there

[RhiWrites]

When my partner and I wanted to live together I gave my lodger notice. I was polite, I gave three months, but I wanted to live with my partner not wait for the housemate to decide to leave on their own time.

YANBU to ask for this. The fact your partner isn’t keen would give me doubts about the relationship.

[adaline]

I suspect the flatmate will move out once you move in, anyway. Why would he/she want to play third wheel to your relationship?

[Cohle]

I don't think either of you ABU, but this is exactly the sort of issue you have to compromise over/resolve together all the time if you live together.

[Shoxfordian]

Doesn't seem like he wants a serious relationship

[selmabear]

Chances are the roommate will leave of his own accord once you move in.

[Happinessinapeartree]

@HeddaGarbled

Why? He owns the flat already. Does he just gift it to his lodger?

[FruitcakeOfHate]

You could try that technique and save your boyfriend having the conversation wink

It's one of those annoying gender neutral OPs where the OP thinks answers will be different if singular pronouns are used which is ridiculous. Hence all the 'DP' and 'they' bollocks.

You don't want the same things. It's unreasonable to expect the flatmate to move out.

So you deal or live in your own.

[HeddaGarbled]

I think the best thing would be for the two of you to find a new place together.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

We've both been longing to finally get to live together.

Are you sure? I mean that nicely. Someone needs to compromise here. If you're both dying to live together, surely one of you would find it quite easy to do? If you can't compromise on this, I wouldn't be moving that far. It's a big commitment and it sounds like you've both got set ways of living that may not align.

[StCharlotte]

I shared a house with three lads: one other lodger and the two owners. It was a lovely happy household. Then one of the owners' girlfriends moved in. She was French and was utterly charming on visits but when she moved in it was like a switch had flipped and she became a total horror. Particularly to me. The last straw was the day she confronted me with a clump of long dark hair and yelled at me that I was disgusting for not cleaning out the bath plug hole and for leaving my hair in it. Which would be fine except the lads were all blond, I had short red hair and she had... long dark hair.

I moved out, they split up and we all lived happily ever after.

You could try that technique and save your boyfriend having the conversation

[MoonlightBonnet]

Don’t move into the flat. In fact I’d reconsider moving to his city at all as it sounds like he doesn’t really want a grown up relationship. But if you’re committed to the move, rent your own flat there and see how it goes.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

What are your thoughts on marriage?