MIL driving me up the wall!!

[Andersonx3]

So my husband and I have a 4 week old baby. She's amazing, so easy and lovely. Other than the lack of sleep, we're doing really well. She's our first baby and I think we're picking it up!

My MIL loves DD to bits, always wants to see her which is lovely. This is the AIBU bit - it was our first wedding anniversary yesterday, and we were more than happy to have a relaxed day at home with DD and our dog, plenty of snacks and then a takeout for dinner. MIL has spent ALL of last week texting both of us and calling us asking if we want DD looking after so we can go out. I understand it's a lovely gesture and on first offer we politely declined and said we are happy to relax at home (more than happy). As she continued to offer we politely reminded her that DD is exclusively breastfed, feeding on demand and going through a growth spurt therefore we wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her whilst we were out as I wouldn't know how much milk she would need, she might have 1 small feed or she might have 3 huge feeds. MIL couldn't seem to understand and kept insisting on us 'having a break'. We don't wish for one - we'd much rather keep the offer for when we do wish for a break. I'm getting so irritated with her not listening to us! She's never handled a newborn - she adopted both of her sons, which also makes me a little apprehensive to leave DD with her whilst we go out until we've spent a decent amount of time all together for her to get to grips with feeds/nappy changes etc. AIBU to be annoyed by her persistence?! For reference, we stayed in and had an Indian whilst DD napped

One more - Christmas cards. We're making our own and sending them out, but because it's the 16th and they've not been sent yet, she's written some up for us and sent them out on our behalf so now we can't send our own. Nearly flipped my lid when she text me to tell me.

Sorry for the essay!!

This sort of thing does sound irritating....but equally, from an outsider’s point of view, she sounds like she really does mean well, which counts for a lot in my book. I’d just explain that you feel that DD is too young to be left, but that she’ll be your first port of call when you want a babysitter. And repeat until she gets the message.

The Christmas cards? Overstepping the mark and annoying - but she probably thought she was doing you a favour.

For balance, my MIL, who lives 15 minutes away, has seen my kids three times in the past two years......

That is not helpful or meaning well, that is controlling behaviour. Nip it in the bud by being MUCH firmer with her. Anyway, won't people wonder why your Christmas cards weren't signed by you?

If you generally get on well then it might just be misplaced excitement and wanting to be involved, especially if she missed out on newborn stages with hers?

Good to tackle it now so it doesn't get out of hand, but maybe try redirecting her to things that would help, bringing a food or accompanying you to first jabs as an extra set of hands etc? Things that would actually help.

She needs to back off, but please don't assume that because she adopted her own children she won't be able to look after your baby. In fact that's probably the reason she's so keen.

She’s trying to be nice (apart from the Christmas cards that’s weird!) but I do think her intentions are good unless there is a huge backstory! However, the dig about adoption was uncalled for she’s raised two boys and you’ve been a mum for 4 weeks don’t be smug I’m sure she would be fine looking after your baby when you are ready to wean her.

Send your own cards anyway.

Does sound very annoying but I would use her desire to help to your advantage. Think of things you do actually want doing - food shop? Laundry? House clean? And ask her to do those so you keep her busy and involved but also helpful.

Thanks for your responses.

I'm certain she means well, absolutely, but I thought I was being firm enough with her! I think I'll have to be a lot more firm in future. She lives 20 mins away and is welcome over whenever, just wish for a text to let me know.

I redirect her help when I can - if I need something picking up and I know she's out then I'll ask, she'll come and take the dog for a walk during the week which is great as he loves her!

The Christmas card thing - she's probably been doing it for years without us knowing so everyone probably knows what's going on by now!

Well she means well at least so just ignore get cala and texts.
I'd he furious about the cards, just send yours as well.

Just send yours anyway, if they ask why they got two say mil thoushe was being helpful.

I would send my own Christmas cards as planned. If anyone asks why they have received two from you, tell them! She can surely only have sent them to a few people on her side of the family as she wouldn't have your family/friends addresses. Fwiw, if my MIL had done this to me, it would've tipped me over the edge!

Assume she means well and treat her accordingly.

Oh MIL! You've really spoiled it for us We SO wanted to make our first Us and The Little One cards...

Oh MIL! We REALLY wanted to share our first anniversary with The Little One

No MIL! We won't be leaving The Little One for a while yet. We don't want to!

Just pile it on, as saccharine as possible. But don't step back from telling her she is ruining your parenting firsts, guilt trip her as much as she is guilt tripping you!

Still send your Christmas cardd. Why wouldn’t you.

I really didn't mean the adoption thing to be a dig - she's made it clear herself that she's never handled newborns and would want refreshers on feeding and nappies! I'm absolutely winging it, I trust many of her instincts and advice over my own at this point.

She means well by the sound of it. Although she should take the hint that you don’t want to leave your breastfed baby to go out.

Talk to her or get DH to. Tell her when you’re ready you will ask her. But as of yet you’re not.

As for the cards, that’s overbearing too.

Yabu to say you are worried about leaving a newborn with her because she adopted both her children. Presumably you didn't have much exlerive with a newborn, or your dh, yet they let you leave the hospital with her.
The rest is annoying

The card thing is bizarre and very pushy. If she wanted to be helpful she could have asked if you needed help with them. Choosing, writing and sending (assuming she decided on recipients too) Is wayoverstepping. I would talk directly to her about this and make it clear it is not to happen again. Both you and your DH as it's your names on the card.

Re the offers. Again be firm. Explain at some point you will be ready to leave the wee one. You're not yet. Ask her to stop offering and explain you'll ask her for help when you are ready if she wants to.

@Thestrangestthing fair point! I think her prior expressions of her not handling newborns or any child for 30 years installed a apprehension in me that I haven't managed to shake. I did have to have midwives shows me everything in hospital though - I was so embarrassed!

Yanbu.

There’s excited and there’s being pushy. She asked, an answer was given and that should have been the end of it. Not bothering you constantly about it and then doing other things without your permission in the guise of “helping”.

I kind of agree with give her something she can do but at the same time I feel that’s treating her like a child who is bored despite her over-reaching behaviour. You don’t have to have a break if you don’t want to and especially not to appease her because it’s likely it will only make her push more. Sit down with her (both you and your oh) and have a tea and chat with her about it.

MIL will know how to handle a newborn I’m sure! And the only way to ensure she can is to let her hold the baby lots. Use it as an excuse to nap or have a bath!

YANBU to be annoyed, she sounds – though possibly well-intentioned – irritating.

However, you shouldn't be engaging. She texts you once to offer to babysit so you can go out – lovely, kind, you say, "No, but thank you". She continues to text and call when you've said no: stop replying! Stop giving her reasons why not, because that gives her the opportunity to debate your reasons. It's not a debate; you've said no.

The Christmas cards thing is barking but, depending on her personality and your relationship, you can tease her about relentlessly for years. "MIL, remember when you forged our Christmas cards?" "Oh, MIL's paying the mortgage this month/going to parents' evening/taking the car in for its MOT. What? No? Oh, but you'll do the fun tasks like Christmas cards!"

Send your cards out anyway, it's clear they'll be from you, based on handwriting.

The Christmas card thing is plain bizarre. The babysitting thing: I totally get why you're getting frustrated. My MIL would get an idea in her head, and no matter how many times we said no, she would bang on and on about it. It seemed that she was so hell bent on getting her own way that she completely ignored our wishes. In your case she clearly fancies having the baby to herself for a few hours, and is trying to push you into going out. Firm no - again - and ignore.

YANBU to find this annoying, it does sound like some clear boundaries need to be asserted. Is your DH helpful with this?

Oh really? MIL is going to be just dandy handling a 4 week old who breastfeeds potentially multiple time an hour all evening, is she? Way to jump in the deep end, that one. Even if you had loads of experience. And she doesn’t.

My dd was born exactly a month before our wedding anniversary, OP, and we completely skipped it. Never even occurred to us. So you’re doing very well to have had a snuggle and a takeaway. Well done!

It’s still early days with MIL, but I suggest time to lay down your boundaries for the next few years. Think of boundaries that aren’t too specific- use process boundaries, so they count more generally. Example: instead of ‘please don’t send cards out on our behalf at xmas’, try something like ‘we’ll manage our own communications from now on, please don’t represent us to others without checking clearly with us first, thanks’.

It’s a good time to be firm with her. People excuse a lot from the parents of newborns, so be firmer than you would otherwise

Congrats on the baby!

Christmas card thing is bizarre.
Babysitting thing is annoying.
Not being able to look after your newborn because she adopted her own children is just rude.