MIL driving me up the wall!!

[Andersonx3]

So my husband and I have a 4 week old baby. She's amazing, so easy and lovely. Other than the lack of sleep, we're doing really well. She's our first baby and I think we're picking it up!

My MIL loves DD to bits, always wants to see her which is lovely. This is the AIBU bit - it was our first wedding anniversary yesterday, and we were more than happy to have a relaxed day at home with DD and our dog, plenty of snacks and then a takeout for dinner. MIL has spent ALL of last week texting both of us and calling us asking if we want DD looking after so we can go out. I understand it's a lovely gesture and on first offer we politely declined and said we are happy to relax at home (more than happy). As she continued to offer we politely reminded her that DD is exclusively breastfed, feeding on demand and going through a growth spurt therefore we wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her whilst we were out as I wouldn't know how much milk she would need, she might have 1 small feed or she might have 3 huge feeds. MIL couldn't seem to understand and kept insisting on us 'having a break'. We don't wish for one - we'd much rather keep the offer for when we do wish for a break. I'm getting so irritated with her not listening to us! She's never handled a newborn - she adopted both of her sons, which also makes me a little apprehensive to leave DD with her whilst we go out until we've spent a decent amount of time all together for her to get to grips with feeds/nappy changes etc. AIBU to be annoyed by her persistence?! For reference, we stayed in and had an Indian whilst DD napped

One more - Christmas cards. We're making our own and sending them out, but because it's the 16th and they've not been sent yet, she's written some up for us and sent them out on our behalf so now we can't send our own. Nearly flipped my lid when she text me to tell me.

Sorry for the essay!!

Asking if you would like to go out is a lovely gesture but once you said no and she kept repeating then it became pushy. The Christmas card thing is also overstepping . I don't like bossy people so both of these things are irritating. Saying that she can't look after the newborn because she never did isn't v. nice imo. You have never looked after a newborn until four weeks ago so by your logic you wouldn't be able to do it from day one either.

@recycledbottle @PotteringAlong please see below comments from myself apologising for coming across rude and explaining that MIL herself has asked for guidance with baby because of this

@Andersonx3 I saw your updates before I responded. Doesn't change anything or my opinion.

After the first polite refusal for your anniversary, I would honestly just ignore her ongoing requests.

The card thing is horrific, though. I would definitely still make and send your own and she can do the explaining about why some people got two.

she's written some up for us and sent them out on our behalf so now we can't send our own.

She may be lovely at heart, but that's so totally inappropriate and pushy and 'I AM MUMMY' that you absolutely need a very serious chat now that you have a child of your own. Or, very soon, you will fall out big time. Which would be a huge shame.

The Christmas card thing sounds like my mum, she does shit like that all the time, latest one was buying thank you cards for me to send.

The other stuff sounds like my MIL, she never takes no for an answer and it doesn't matter how many times she's told, she'll keep insisting. I and my husband are both perfectly firm with her but some people just don't listen. I just stop replying after a while.

Just tell her to back off. It would have been okay if she asked once and then understood when you politely declined.

What is with this ridiculous need for MIL’s to take newborn breastfeeding babies away from their mothers. I wasn’t ready to leave DD until she was almost a year and I know many friends who didn’t for at least 6 months.

It’s completely normal to not want to leave your child and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise:

I felt like this about my mil in the beginning. Imo babies are easy and when your baby is a toddler , you will be kissing her feet for some respite. She sent cards for you - ideal you don't need to do them. If you don't want a break right now thats fine. I know what you mean though , you don't need the help now babies are lovely. Just be civil and remember you will want her help I promise.

Oh and be crystal clear.

'Right now a 'break' is the very last thing I want thanks - we're enjoying every minute! Plenty of time for nights out when she's bigger. Nope (making a joke of it) you'll have to prise us away I'm afraid! TOTALLY not interested in sitting in a restaurant for the sake of it when I can be at home with this one!'

Send your own cards anyway!! And make sure you both sign them so she can't say you must have both done a set each if anyone asks her. That would wreck my head (I'm mad about Christmas cards though...)

You’d never handled a new born until 4 weeks ago.....

Unless you’re a child minder / grew up with lots of young siblings

of course send your own cards anyway!

How does she even have access to your christmas cards? Of course you don't need to go out if you don't want to, of course you don't have to have her babysit if you're not ready to leave.

She probably doesn't quite gather what exclusively breastfeeding a newborn entails. Continue to be gentle but firm. Her boundaries are a bit off.

Asking for guidance isn't necessarily from having adopted - my MIL has said the same to me for when baby arrives as it has been so long since she had looked after one (first grandchild) and best practice changes.

I think it is coming from a good place, but you just need to be a bit more forceful or let DH be more forceful. Mine would just tell her to stop asking!

For the cards, I think YABU - yes it is odd, but I would love it if my MIL would write my Christmas cards for me this year and send them as I really can't be bothered, although she is so lovely she would if I asked.

The card thing...bonkers.
A lot of people of a certain age believe cards to be The Most Important Thing In The World. I suspect: if her dh doesn’t send a card to great aunt Sue then it reflects very badly on mil, in her eyes. Your dh should tell her don’t ever repeat.

The baby: in future reply with a firm no once. Ignore repeated attempts. Pass onto dh.

I read your post as a MIL who is excited and happy and literally wanting to do anything she can to help.
MIL cannot do right from wrong on here, nothing appears to be good enough. People are so keen to 'put them in their place'. The comment about the adoption was nasty but at least you've acknowledged it.
The cards - post deadline is looming, you're rightly distracted by the baby. Perhaps she thought you weren't going to do it as not a priority for you, so she did because it's one thing she's definitely able to do? I'd see it as a nice, well meant thing.

It's not well meaning, it isn't caring its her trying to control your family and behave as she is mum.

You need to set firm boundaries now or this behaviour will escalate

its her trying to control your family and behave as she is mum

Is it though? FFS she's offered to babysit for their first wedding anniversary and sent out some Christmas cards

‘ The cards - post deadline is looming, you're rightly distracted by the baby. Perhaps she thought you weren't going to do it as not a priority for you, so she did because it's one thing she's definitely able to do? I'd see it as a nice, well meant thing.’

Mil: do you want me to write your cards (due to reasons above)?
Op: no, but it was lovely of you to ask, if you want to help you could do xyz?

This is appropriate.

But going ahead and unilaterally writing them for grown adults without consultation?

Absolutely bonkers and:or controlling

I had sympathy but think you are very out of order bringing up that she adopted
Do you realise people who have never had children may be more than capable of looking after a baby. How do nannies manage, midwives? Are you checking they have given birth
And people who have given birth can be shit parents

Ooh that adoption comment of yours was uncalled for and jaded the rest of the story. Without it; yes your MIL is too much.
But with it, it just sounds like your misinterpreting her enthusiasm.

I know that you have apologised but that adoption comment was smug and superior- carrying a baby in your womb for nine months and caring for them for four weeks does not make you a more experienced Mother than a woman who has successfully raised two boys to adulthood. Your apology was an excuse not an apology! It was out of order! I truly hope that you have never and would never say anything so callous to your MIL.

Your MIL went through the pain of infertility and adopted two boys, loved and raised them! Of course she is excited, of course she wants to help out! She didn’t get the joy of raising her sons from newborn! I think you need to empathise with your MIL, try to involve her, invite her over to watch your baby whilst you have a bath or a nap. Then she can bring baby to you if needed. She isn’t going to replace you as Mummy - nobody can. Your dd is lucky to have so many people who love her.

I know that it’s annoying having her constantly ask to have your dd on her own. Have your dh explain that as baby is exclusively bf you won’t be ready to leave her until you are ready to try expressing. Even then, not all babies take to a bottle. But tell her that you want her to enjoy her granddaughter- you want her to feel involved.

I would have your dh thank her for writing out the cards but ask her to please consult you first in the future. As you have hand made cards to give out to family.

I’m sorry if you find my comment harsh. Truly I am, I know the overwhelming protective feelings that kick in and the irrational jealousy when your baby is in another woman’s arms- especially your MIL. I’m no contact with mine (long story involving lifelong emotional abuse of dh) but I still enabled contact for dh, it was hard and if there is anything in your history where your dh’s family are concerned (emotional abuse/ narcissism / toxic relationships) then it takes all the strength in you to not rip your baby from her arms and protect her from them. But I don’t read that here.

Sit with your dh and tell him your boundaries and what you are not willing to put up with. Be a team and agree to back each other up with both sides of your families. Be careful not to push your dh away by tolerating the very behaviour you have made him stand up to his Mum about- from your own Mother. Try to be fair. Your dh loves his Mum and wants her to have a relationship with your dd. Just as you likely want the same with your family.

From experience- some things are not worth fighting over! Try to just enjoy your baby girl!

Thanks everyone for your replies. I see now that I probably should have included much more history but now is not the time. I will be more firm in future when it comes to DD, however she is very involved with DD and is welcome to see her as often as she wishes for cuddles!

As for my adoption comment - I totally see how misjudged it was and I apologise for any offence caused. As I've said, MIL herself said she wishes for help getting to grips and I don't for a second feel superior. I had no idea what to do with DD after she was born and had lots of help from the MW's whilst I was in hospital.

Great post Caledoniahasmyheartforever and very thought provoking. I did wince myself when I read the part about adoption. Awful.

I think so often many women post on here regarding their MILs because they know they will get the response they need to hear, as many posters project their own thoughts and feelings of their own MIL and automatically go on the side of someone complaining about theirs. Usually the same posters too.

I don’t think this is helpful really, especially to someone in a vulnerable position having just had a baby. It’s all well and good some random on the internet telling you what to do but they don’t know the ins and outs of that posters relationship with her MIL or anything really about her life.

I hope the OP will take all the advice with a pinch of salt and reflect on what has been said before she behaves harshly with her MIL.