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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend thinks I'm a hypocrite. AIBU?

54 replies

northerngirl2020 · 15/12/2019 16:16

I’ve been single 2 years now, have two dcs 8 and 6. I was having a discussion about relationships with a close friend the other day and told her I wouldn’t date/marry someone with kids. Tbh I don’t want to deal with exes, step children, what happens if his kids doesn’t like me? Kids being treated different, money etc all that drama. And reading the step parenting board on MN cements my decision even more. Friend thinks I’m being a hypocrite, but I just think this is what I prefer. AIBU?

OP posts:
MidnightCircus · 15/12/2019 16:19

I don't think so. I don't have kids, don't want them, wouldn't get with someone who does. So just because you have them doesn't mean you're hypocritical in my view

NailsNeedDoing · 15/12/2019 16:20

Yanbu.

Having a family with a step in it is hard enough without there being two sets of kids involved. But it’s easy to say you wouldn’t when you’re talking hypothetically, it would be much harder to follow through if you fell for someone that does have kids.

Pinkblueberry · 15/12/2019 16:21

If that’s what you prefer, fair enough. You’re not a hypocrite so long as you wouldn’t be offended by someone not wanting to be with you for the same reason.

IlluminatiParty · 15/12/2019 16:23

Agree with pp you'd only be a hypocrite if you were annoyed if someone rejected you for the same reason!

Oysterbabe · 15/12/2019 16:23

Yanbu. I'd feel the same.

SweetAsSpice · 15/12/2019 16:25

YANBU. Blended families rarely work. But - does that mean you’re willing to be single forever, in case every potential suitor for you has the exact same ultimate moral viewpoint?

CakeAndGin · 15/12/2019 16:25

I think you’re only a hypocrite if you don’t understand that some people may wish not to date you for the same reason. However, that doesn’t seem to be an issue and we all have things we wouldn’t want in partners, sometimes kids is one of those. Occasionally, we can fall for someone who has those things we don’t want and we have to weigh up if the hassle is worth it for how we fee for them.

MyNewBearTotoro · 15/12/2019 16:30

Agree you’d only be a hypocrite if you felt offended/ rejected by somebody who wasn’t interested in you because you have children.

Generally I feel like when it comes to being in a relationship there aren’t really many unreasonable parameters as to who you would/ wouldn’t date (predatory/ illegal or other morally questionable preferences aside). It’s all about preference and attraction and everybody is entitled to find who they want dateable, they just have to accept that the more fussy they are the harder it may be to find the right person.

Mamabear88 · 15/12/2019 16:32

YANBU. I have a dd and am happy with my dh but hypothetically if I were to be on the dating scene again i'd also avoid men with kids from previous relationships. It's too much baggage and I wouldn't want to take that on. I would however completely expect that i'd be discounted for exactly the same reason!

NeutralJanet · 15/12/2019 16:33

Would you be open to having more children if your future partner wanted their own biological child?

CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe · 15/12/2019 16:34

YANBU I wouldn’t want the hassle either

Bluntness100 · 15/12/2019 16:34

I also think it's fine as long as you're not offended if a man says he doesn't wish to get involved with you because you have kids. Then it would be hypocritical.

Bluntness100 · 15/12/2019 16:36

I would ask how old are you op? Because there comes a time most people you will meet will have kids. So by saying you don't want this, it limits your pool.

I'd also say that you run the risk of meeting someone who says he doesn't mind the kids, but when it comes to it, and he understands the reality, bolts. But again I'm assuming you'd be ok with this.

FinnsLeftSpoon · 15/12/2019 16:37

YANBU.

And you wouldn't be a hypocrite if you were upset if a man didn't want to get involved with you because yous have children.

It would be inconsistent and possibly unreasonable, but not hypocritical.

lovemenorca · 15/12/2019 16:38

I don’t think your friend understands the meaning if hypocrite

lazylinguist · 15/12/2019 16:39

YANBU. I'd feel the same in your situation tbh.

TulipCat · 15/12/2019 16:39

You'd have to be prepared to accept that this would substantially reduce your options for available partners, assuming you would be OK with a fair proportion of them rejecting you on the same basis.

OceanSunFish · 15/12/2019 16:46

I don’t think you’re a hypocrite. But I do think you need to be realistic. A man with no kids will either want some (would you be up for that?) or be the kind of man who doesn’t want them (in which case he may struggle more with the step kids thing). Which may be fine with you - is it?

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2019 16:53

I see a few downsides to that too though. Smaller dating pool. Man, who doesn’t know how to parent a child. Man not interested in children, who thinks he should be no 1 etc. I don’t think you’re a hypocrite. You are making choices, which you consider in the best interest of your family.

beautifulstranger101 · 15/12/2019 16:56

You can date whom you want and you dont have to justify it. I have to say though, if H and I split I would ONLY date someone with kids because they would understand that my kids come first. I would also hope that them being parents themselves would make it easier for them to get into the role of "step parent" and there would be a mutual understanding of how difficult blended families can be.

You would only be a hypocrite if you get angry when someone chooses not to date you because you have kids.

Topseyt · 15/12/2019 16:57

The acid test of that might come if a man you really liked said he wouldn't want to be in a relationship with you because you have children.

If you know for certain that you are fine with that then you are not being hypocritical.

beautifulstranger101 · 15/12/2019 16:58

Also, forgot to say, when you get to a certain age its much more likely people will have kids so you will have to expect and accept that your dating pool will be much, much smaller and it might be much harder to find someone suitable

FizzyGreenWater · 15/12/2019 17:01

Not a hypocrite at all. You simply know what you would and wouldn't be able to deal with in a relationship.

If you were DEMANDING the right to be in a relationship with someone who a. had no kids of their own but b. had to accept yours, then that would be hypocritical.

You're just saying you wouldn't be a good stepmum so you won't go there. Might mean you stay single! But your choice entirely.

Arnoldthecat · 15/12/2019 17:05

YANBU.. I wouldnt date a woman with kids either unless they had grown up and were adults/left home.

Sofast · 15/12/2019 17:11

You're not a hypocrite as long as you get that you having kids is a reason lots of men wouldn't want to date you

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