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Friend thinks I'm a hypocrite. AIBU?

54 replies

northerngirl2020 · 15/12/2019 16:16

I’ve been single 2 years now, have two dcs 8 and 6. I was having a discussion about relationships with a close friend the other day and told her I wouldn’t date/marry someone with kids. Tbh I don’t want to deal with exes, step children, what happens if his kids doesn’t like me? Kids being treated different, money etc all that drama. And reading the step parenting board on MN cements my decision even more. Friend thinks I’m being a hypocrite, but I just think this is what I prefer. AIBU?

OP posts:
northerngirl2020 · 15/12/2019 17:11

I have no problem with a man not wanting to date me because of my kids, that's his choice. I would love to have more children yes, I also know it will make the dating pool a lot smaller because not a lot of men would want to date someone with kids when they don't have any kids themselves. But it is what it is 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 15/12/2019 17:17

YANBU and you are not a hypocrite to have any preference on who you may like to date or marry. It's called preferences and it's totally fine.

However, I am assuming you are at least mid to late 20s and I think you will find it hard to find any man who is also mid to late 20s and doesn't have a past and that past may include children. So if you find someone who you really love then it may be that you do end up having to navigate step children etc.

And of course you will need to accept others may not want to date you because of your kids. But, like you, others get to choose whatever they want too.

AG29 · 15/12/2019 17:19

I agree! We all have our preferences. I had my first child at 19 and became a single parent when he was tiny but I always said I’d never date a man with a child/children. Not that I dislike children, that’s not it but the awkwardness of it with the ex woman etc. I met my partner when my son was 18 months and he didn’t have children. He took my son on as his own and we have a daughter together.

user1493413286 · 15/12/2019 17:22

Not a hypocrite but it might narrow your dating pool significantly but it’s your life and you make your own choices

Purpleartichoke · 15/12/2019 17:23

I think you have very rational preferences.

churchandstate · 15/12/2019 17:23

It’s not hypocrisy. I wouldn’t either, just because I prefer an easier life.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 15/12/2019 17:26

Your friend doesn't know what hypocrite means.

It is totally reasonable to think that one set of stepchildren is enough for two people in a new relationship to get their heads around.

Loopytiles · 15/12/2019 17:31

Not hypocrisy. Up to you what your criteria are for who to date/avoid!

There would likely be challenges with a man with no DC too, especially as you want more DC.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 15/12/2019 17:35

Not a hypocrite, you just know what you want

Leflic · 15/12/2019 17:39

I think there is “having kids” and “having kids”. A world of difference between a man say, with one teen that lives with mum to a father of three with every other weekend and a day in the week.

I don’t live with my partner get because of the blended families thing. Been together 15 years. A couple more and it won’t be an issue.

Bluntness100 · 15/12/2019 17:39

Much depends on your age here op, if you're in your twenties it's more likely to meet someone the same age with no kids who wants them. Once you start to get into your thirties, meeting someone with no kids who wants them, both step and their own, does start to become difficult. Not impossible but certainly a smaller dating pool.

Clearly you're not hypocritical, but it would seem you're saying you'd rather be single for ever more than be with someone who has kids, as depending on your age, this may be what you're facing.

SummerPavillion · 15/12/2019 17:48

YANBU and I'm sure you'll be ok because you'll probably find many men who want dc but haven't had them yet, which is good because you want more.

I agree with OceanSunFish about the idea that if a man doesn't want dc he's less likely to be a good step dad.

SummerPavillion · 15/12/2019 17:49

I mean, they might grow on him, but it's a big gamble (if you're planning on living together).

This is from bitter childhood experience.

Ohyesiam · 15/12/2019 17:51

Yanbu, you’re friends are hard of understanding.

Ponoka7 · 15/12/2019 17:52

My DD didn't want to date a man with children. She's met someone without them, who is good with her two. But he does want his own in the future and she isn't sure if she wants more.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 15/12/2019 17:54

I think there is “having kids” and “having kids”. A world of difference between a man say, with one teen that lives with mum to a father of three with every other weekend and a day in the week.

I see what you're thinking. Problem is that the 'one teen who lives with mum' could very easily end up as 'one teen living with us full time' due to circumstances beyond anyone's control. As long as the 'non-parent partner' accepts this risk and would be willing to become a full time step-parent, then all's fine. If not, then best not to get involved with someone who has children at all.

I've known of a situation where that happened and it was, frankly, very ugly with the non-parent partner treating the child horribly (when the parent partner wasn't looking).

Murraygoldberg · 15/12/2019 18:07

I don't think you are a hypocrite but it may be limiting. Would you consider dating someone with older children? That may be easier. If someone has no children they may want some and I personally think that can be more of big deal for your children

EstebanTheMagnificent · 15/12/2019 18:19

YANBU. Blending two families is hard.

Butchyrestingface · 15/12/2019 18:24

YANBU. I don’t think it’s hypocritical but perhaps there’s an element of expecting something from someone else that you’re not willing to give yourself, and that’s what your friend means?

Either way, still not unreasonable and I wouldn’t want it either.

breakfastpizza · 15/12/2019 18:24

You know what works for you. Everyone should be that honest with themselves.

Rezie · 15/12/2019 18:31

you'd only be a hypocrite if you were annoyed if someone rejected you for the same reason!

ILearnedItFromABook · 15/12/2019 18:31

There's nothing wrong with knowing what you want and refusing to accept something else.

It's none of your friend's business.

Molly333 · 15/12/2019 18:40

I admire you saying what you want

beautifulxdisasters · 15/12/2019 18:49

A man with no kids will either want some (would you be up for that?) or be the kind of man who doesn’t want them (in which case he may struggle more with the step kids thing).

Yes this, and I think this is probably what your friend means by "hypocrite". You are expecting a man to accept your kids, but you don't want to accept his.

KatherineJaneway · 15/12/2019 19:06


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