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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not know what to do?

60 replies

rham · 14/12/2019 10:30

I've just found this site and just signed up.

I'm 16 and I've got a 3 month old daughter. Her dad is the same age. I wasn't in a relationship with him. Social services are involved and they don't seem to be helping I'm trying my best but they keep judging. I try and do little jobs for people I know to earn a bit of money but yesterday the social worker was saying how the washing up wasn't done etc.

Her dad is saying he's going to get custody of her. And he probably will. As he has an apprenticeship and his dad is helping him. Although he seems uninterested in her and he used to be violent (not sure if he still is).

Can I have some advice please?

OP posts:
Original poster
rham · 14/12/2019 10:49

But I'm not sure if his dad knows about daughter. I know his dad is helping him with his apprenticeship and is giving him money etc. But I don't know if hes told his dad

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 14/12/2019 10:54

do you have family?

Original poster
rham · 14/12/2019 10:55

I live with my grandad.

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 14/12/2019 10:56

Ask your health visitor about any parenting classes available. I bet you are already a great dm but having her support and a bit of extra input might assure ss you are really trying hard .

bluebell34567 · 14/12/2019 11:01

agree with @Winterdaysarehere.

CakeandCustard28 · 14/12/2019 11:04

I agree, sign up to parenting classes. Unforunately while the SS are involved you need to stay on top of everything, a little bit of toy Mess is okay but try and stay on top of the cleaning and tidying. If they see you doing things to help yourself they’ll start to back off. As for your ex getting custody... it’s very unlikely he would if he’s only 16 himself and living at home.

Original poster
rham · 14/12/2019 11:07

I go to a mother and baby class. I lied to her when I was pregnant and said he wasn't her dad but when she was born he said he knew because she looks like him (has black hair like him and I've got blonde). But we haven't met up for a while because he doesn't seem interested but yesterday he messaged saying he's going to get custody.

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 14/12/2019 11:09

Keep a record of his texts and voice mails. You do not have to message back if he is being abusive.
See a solicitor for a free 30 min appointment..

thetreeisstressingmeout · 14/12/2019 11:11

Try not to listen to your ex's bluster.
I don't think it will be easy for a non resident parent to be given custody of a child over the resident parent. If he isn't actively involved in the child's life or financially supporting the child that is even less likely.

Being a parent is hard, be kind to yourself, your age is a factor but just read through a few parenting threads on here and you will see that everyone regardless-of age finds parenting hard.

Nobody is a perfect parent, everyone would feel stressed with Ss involved.
My god if they came to my house I'd have to spend days scrubbing everything.

Make notes of things they have mentioned in the past and try to cover them.

Be kind to yourself.

thetreeisstressingmeout · 14/12/2019 11:15

Only engage with the Dad over contact and welfare of the child.

Do not respond to goading messages.
Do not loose your temper with him.
Ignore ignore

Set his name to 'stay calm' or something in your phone to remind you.

Jeep screen shots of every conversation.

Gazelda · 14/12/2019 11:15

I'd keep a record of all contact. Offer to meet up in a public place if he wants to see the baby. Other than that, I'd focus all your efforts on you and you DD. Follow their advice, go to classes, show them that your number one priority is the baby.

Do you have any income? Do you get any financial support from the father?

I presume you're certain he is the father, and that you told him he wasn't so that he wouldn't interfere with the pregnancy? I'm not being goady, just trying to get a picture.

Original poster
rham · 14/12/2019 11:27

I told him he wasn't the father because we'd be better off without him. And he's definitely the dad. He told me not to tell anyone he's the dad (like my friends as some are his aswell etc). He doesn't give me money or anything.

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 14/12/2019 11:37

Mother and baby classes aren’t parenting class. It would be a good idea to go to a parenting class to show social services you’re willing to learn and grow.

averythinline · 14/12/2019 11:48

SS will want to see you acting as an adult and not being passive and just responding to someone elses texts...be open with them

so you need to start thinking what is important for you and your DD -

think about what you want to do in the future- but more long term- write a list and maybe ask them what they can help you with..

so - how you support yourself and her - get them to help with benefits/college/training maybe going to college - when she is x age often there are nurseries attached to college they could help you investigate funding

If he is the father make an application to CMS - he needs to contribute to her life... this is nothing to do with access/contact

talk to SS about him - they may be able to help with contact in a supervised place...

prioritise what they say - they are looking to make sure she is safe/clean well- dont worry about him/his dad etc thats all secondary..... as is doing little jobs cash in hand..

to them you are prioritising cash in hand bt not getting support from the father - they wouldnt be bothered about washing up on its own but maybe its about how they see your priorities?

is there a young mums group near you ?- in my area there is one at each childrens centre - maybe ask them ? they are generally really good place to find out whats available and some friends in the same position....ask your Health visitor or the social worker

Chocmallows · 14/12/2019 11:58

You've told him that he's the dad and he wants custody, but you aren't supposed to tell your shared friends - wouldn't everyone notice if he has her?

Why isn't he paying for her?

Why does he think he should have full custody?

Original poster
rham · 14/12/2019 12:05

I haven't told social services who her dad is and I haven't put him on the birth certificate so could I still apply for child support?

OP posts:
Original poster
rham · 14/12/2019 12:11

He'd probably lie to our friends and say he's just helping me or something if he had her. But if he got full custody of her he'd probably tell them he's the dad.

He doesn't pay because he doesn't want to I asked him for money for nappies the other week and he complained and said he wants it back.

He said she'll be better off with him not me that's why he wants custody.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 14/12/2019 12:11

Yes. He needs to go to court to get parental rights. I doubt he’ll bother.

Don’t let him undermine your confidence, these are just words to hurt you. Remember that. Don’t engage. Keep a diary.

Original poster
rham · 14/12/2019 12:19

I didn't reply to him yesterday. He said I can't tell anyone because he's trying to be a good person and if I tell people everyone will hate him.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 14/12/2019 12:20

Yes, apply for child support. That demonstrates to SS that you are aware your DD needs things that cost money and you are taking a responsible approach to finding financial support for her.

StealthPolarBear · 14/12/2019 12:22

Op please talk to your health visitor (I assume you don't have a family nurse?). You're a good mum and want to continue to be which is excellent. If he wanders in and put of the child's life and you are a good mum he won't get custody.
Is your grandad supportive?

Confusedbeetle · 14/12/2019 12:29

Try not to worry too much about this person. He will not get custody. Do your best to keep your child fed clean and loved, and your house in as good order as you can. Engage with social services as much as possible, go to any parenting classes on offer, childrens centre, sure start etc. Show the world you are fully committed to your little girl. Sadly this does mean foregoing normal social life of a 16 year old, but she is worth it and you will reap the rewards by having a happy healthy child. It is not nice that you have to prove it but that is the way the sytem works in order to protect children. They will not worry if you work with them. If he wont buy nappies now, how would he if he had custody? Be open with your social worker and health visitor, they will be the ones that support you if he starts making waves. Do not let him intimidate you

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 14/12/2019 12:36

You have some very good advice above.
It might also be worth you making an appointment with a solicitor, to find out exactly where you stand legally, they may be able to write to him asking him to stop harassing you. If he was abusive / violent towards you in the past, be honest with your social worker or health visitor about it, they may be able to help.
Flowers I was a teen mum too, I know how hard it is, but my dc were worth it. x

Original poster
rham · 14/12/2019 12:53

He wasnt violent towards me but he was towards other people and he had a warning from the police. He didn't say he wouldn't give me money for nappies he said he wants it back.

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 14/12/2019 12:57

I can’t add to the awesome advice you have been given here, but I seriously doubt he would follow through with his sucrose threat.

He has shown little interest in his daughter, how would he cope with having her full time. He resents paying for a pack of nappies, you know that’s just the tip of the iceberg. He hasn’t even acknowledged He is her father, so I doubt SS would see him as a responsible and loving parent.

Good luck, you will be ok.

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